Essay: Restoring Trust

[Reuben]

Another essay from the story of my life.

*****

Most violations of my expectations of the Church that caused me to lose trust are best told in story form. But there’s one that wouldn’t come up in a story because it’s characterized by utter lack of an event.

The Church never does anything, not a single thing, to regain trust once it’s lost.

Why? In short, trying to regain trust would require admitting wrongdoing, but the Church is never wrong. Almost every believing Mormon’s identity depends on this pleasant fantasy.

Oh, most Mormons know that Church leaders aren’t individually perfect. I’m talking about actions done in God’s name. Those actions can’t be wrong. At worst, they can be less right than current actions. Or they can be not wrong, but counterproductive:

“I know that the history of the church is not to seek apologies or to give them,” [Elder Dallin H.] Oaks said in an interview. “We sometimes look back on issues and say, ‘Maybe that was counterproductive for what we wish to achieve,’ but we look forward and not backward.”

The church doesn’t “seek apologies,” he said, “and we don't give them.”

Peggy Fletcher Stack. “We all can be more civil on LGBT issues, Mormon leader says.” The Salt Lake Tribune, January 30, 2015.

Try to imagine being a Mormon who was greatly injured by the Church, but having the actions that caused you harm dismissed as counterproductive. Do you see how that doesn’t consider you and your experience to be important? Counterproductive is all about the Church and its goals. Your worth is entirely due to being an insensate cog in the Mormon machine.

“When I would call you a fat little whore,” says a father to the adult daughter he used to abuse, “that was counterproductive for what I wished to achieve. I look forward and not backward. I don’t seek apologies, and I don’t give them.”

I would hope the daughter would stay as far away from that narcissistic old wanker as possible.

Let’s dig deeper by analyzing what it would take for the Church to restore the trust of an aggrieved subgroup of Mormons. Here’s a template for a first-rate apology:

• We’re sorry. You were hurt when we harmful action.
• We were wrong. We worse attitude. Now, we better attitude.
• It won’t happen again because now, we’re corrective action.
• Further, we’re reparative action. What else can we do to mend our relationship?

Now, Church leaders do change the Church’s attitudes and take corrective action. As part of this, they communicate better attitudes and corrective actions downward. But publicly, they’ll never acknowledge the Church’s culpability, compare better attitudes and corrective actions to past attitudes and actions, or take reparative actions.

And they’ll never, ever apologize on behalf of the Church.

Relationships between the Church and aggrieved members are therefore never repaired. At best, new relationships don’t fail in the same way. Usually, however, Church leaders’ refusal to take responsibility for wrongdoing causes rank-and-file members’ attitudes and actions to lag far behind, causing more harm and broken relationships. Eventually, past attitudes and actions die off with the people who held them and carried them out.

This slow die-off helps Church leaders continue to refuse to take responsibility by allowing them to blame individual members. When a rank-and-file Mormon somewhere teaches that black Mormons were refused saving ordinances because they were less valiant in pre-mortal life, it’s the teacher’s fault alone, not the Church’s, because the Church stopped teaching this in 1978. The teacher should have noticed, regardless of the fact that it was only in 2013 that the Church finally disavowed its old racist doctrines in an unpublicized essay.

The party line is that these disavowed racist doctrines were “theories” or “folklore.” When studious Mormons find that the “theories” were doctrines, they’ll irreversibly lose some trust even as the Church demands their complete trust, or, if they’re racist, feel justified based on what they take to be secretly condoned special knowledge. “They say it’s just folklore, but I know better. It’s deep doctrine.”

Yeah, this happens with old polygamy doctrines, too. The Church can only blame itself for the racist sex cults that it still regularly spawns.

Sometimes Church leaders manage to blame God and individual members at the same time. This is from President Oaks’s remarks at the Church’s recent celebration of the 40th anniversary of officially ending its institutional racism:

I observed the pain and frustration experienced by those who suffered these restrictions and those who criticized them and sought for reasons. I studied the reasons then being given and could not feel confirmation of the truth of any of them. As part of my prayerful study, I learned that, in general, the Lord rarely gives reasons for the commandments and directions He gives to His servants.

President Dallin H. Oaks. Opening remarks. “Be One” Celebration, June 1, 2018.

This short passage is a tour-de-force of individual and collective self-deception. He conveniently forgets that Brigham Young gave some of those reasons concurrently with the restrictions. He also conveniently forgets that the rest of the reasons were taught by later Church leaders. Instead, congruent with the party line that the reasons were “folklore,” he makes it sound like they originated with rank-and-file Mormons. As if this weren’t enough, he then absolves himself of guilt by claiming that he, a lifelong true believer, somehow never believed the supporting doctrine that was taught by people he regarded as prophets. Finally, he spreads the blame around some more by attributing the restrictions on black Mormons to God himself.

God isn’t racist, of course. He just acts that way sometimes. We may never know why.

In general, Church leaders will blame anyone but themselves or their predecessors. They’ll blame the wicked world, anti-Mormons, rank-and-file Mormons, Satan, and even God. They’ll throw the creator of the universe under the bus to appear trustworthy.

So what would a first-rate apology for allowing institutional racism to continue look like? Let’s use the template above.

• We’re sorry. You were hurt when we allowed racism to continue in the Church.
• We were wrong. We kept silent at your expense to try to maintain faith in us and our predecessors. Now, we realize that presenting a facade of infallibility can harm members, so it’s important to honestly acknowledge mistakes at the highest levels.
• It won’t happen again because we’re publicly acknowledging how and why we were wrong.
• Further, we’re reviewing all current lesson materials to eradicate racist overtones, and working with black Mormons and advocates to educate their congregations. What else can we do to mend our relationship?

This would work. This would heal. This would restore trust.

This is also impossible given the Church’s toxic attitude of collective arrogance.

[Thoughtful]

Another essay from the story of my life.

*****

Most violations of my expectations of the Church that caused me to lose trust are best told in story form. But there’s one that wouldn’t come up in a story because it’s characterized by utter lack of an event.

The Church never does anything, not a single thing, to regain trust once it’s lost.

Why? In short, trying to regain trust would require admitting wrongdoing, but the Church is never wrong. Almost every believing Mormon’s identity depends on this pleasant fantasy.

Oh, most Mormons know that Church leaders aren’t individually perfect. I’m talking about actions done in God’s name. Those actions can’t be wrong. At worst, they can be less right than current actions. Or they can be not wrong, but counterproductive:

“I know that the history of the church is not to seek apologies or to give them,” [Elder Dallin H.] Oaks said in an interview. “We sometimes look back on issues and say, ‘Maybe that was counterproductive for what we wish to achieve,’ but we look forward and not backward.”

The church doesn’t “seek apologies,” he said, “and we don't give them.”

Peggy Fletcher Stack. “We all can be more civil on LGBT issues, Mormon leader says.” The Salt Lake Tribune, January 30, 2015.

Try to imagine being a Mormon who was greatly injured by the Church, but having the actions that caused you harm dismissed as counterproductive. Do you see how that doesn’t consider you and your experience to be important? Counterproductive is all about the Church and its goals. Your worth is entirely due to being an insensate cog in the Mormon machine.

“When I would call you a fat little whore,” says a father to the adult daughter he used to abuse, “that was counterproductive for what I wished to achieve. I look forward and not backward. I don’t seek apologies, and I don’t give them.”

I would hope the daughter would stay as far away from that narcissistic old wanker as possible.

Let’s dig deeper by analyzing what it would take for the Church to restore the trust of an aggrieved subgroup of Mormons. Here’s a template for a first-rate apology:

• We’re sorry. You were hurt when we harmful action.
• We were wrong. We worse attitude. Now, we better attitude.
• It won’t happen again because now, we’re corrective action.
• Further, we’re reparative action. What else can we do to mend our relationship?

Now, Church leaders do change the Church’s attitudes and take corrective action. As part of this, they communicate better attitudes and corrective actions downward. But publicly, they’ll never acknowledge the Church’s culpability, compare better attitudes and corrective actions to past attitudes and actions, or take reparative actions.

And they’ll never, ever apologize on behalf of the Church.

Relationships between the Church and aggrieved members are therefore never repaired. At best, new relationships don’t fail in the same way. Usually, however, Church leaders’ refusal to take responsibility for wrongdoing causes rank-and-file members’ attitudes and actions to lag far behind, causing more harm and broken relationships. Eventually, past attitudes and actions die off with the people who held them and carried them out.

This slow die-off helps Church leaders continue to refuse to take responsibility by allowing them to blame individual members. When a rank-and-file Mormon somewhere teaches that black Mormons were refused saving ordinances because they were less valiant in pre-mortal life, it’s the teacher’s fault alone, not the Church’s, because the Church stopped teaching this in 1978. The teacher should have noticed, regardless of the fact that it was only in 2013 that the Church finally disavowed its old racist doctrines in an unpublicized essay.

The party line is that these disavowed racist doctrines were “theories” or “folklore.” When studious Mormons find that the “theories” were doctrines, they’ll irreversibly lose some trust even as the Church demands their complete trust, or, if they’re racist, feel justified based on what they take to be secretly condoned special knowledge. “They say it’s just folklore, but I know better. It’s deep doctrine.”

Yeah, this happens with old polygamy doctrines, too. The Church can only blame itself for the racist sex cults that it still regularly spawns.

Sometimes Church leaders manage to blame God and individual members at the same time. This is from President Oaks’s remarks at the Church’s recent celebration of the 40th anniversary of officially ending its institutional racism:

I observed the pain and frustration experienced by those who suffered these restrictions and those who criticized them and sought for reasons. I studied the reasons then being given and could not feel confirmation of the truth of any of them. As part of my prayerful study, I learned that, in general, the Lord rarely gives reasons for the commandments and directions He gives to His servants.

President Dallin H. Oaks. Opening remarks. “Be One” Celebration, June 1, 2018.

This short passage is a tour-de-force of individual and collective self-deception. He conveniently forgets that Brigham Young gave some of those reasons concurrently with the restrictions. He also conveniently forgets that the rest of the reasons were taught by later Church leaders. Instead, congruent with the party line that the reasons were “folklore,” he makes it sound like they originated with rank-and-file Mormons. As if this weren’t enough, he then absolves himself of guilt by claiming that he, a lifelong true believer, somehow never believed the supporting doctrine that was taught by people he regarded as prophets. Finally, he spreads the blame around some more by attributing the restrictions on black Mormons to God himself.

God isn’t racist, of course. He just acts that way sometimes. We may never know why.

In general, Church leaders will blame anyone but themselves or their predecessors. They’ll blame the wicked world, anti-Mormons, rank-and-file Mormons, Satan, and even God. They’ll throw the creator of the universe under the bus to appear trustworthy.

So what would a first-rate apology for allowing institutional racism to continue look like? Let’s use the template above.

• We’re sorry. You were hurt when we allowed racism to continue in the Church.
• We were wrong. We kept silent at your expense to try to maintain faith in us and our predecessors. Now, we realize that presenting a facade of infallibility can harm members, so it’s important to honestly acknowledge mistakes at the highest levels.
• It won’t happen again because we’re publicly acknowledging how and why we were wrong.
• Further, we’re reviewing all current lesson materials to eradicate racist overtones, and working with black Mormons and advocates to educate their congregations. What else can we do to mend our relationship?

This would work. This would heal. This would restore trust.

This is also impossible given the Church’s toxic attitude of collective arrogance.

Send in the sample apology. The LDS PR team struggles.

[Rob4Hope]

“I know that the history of the church is not to seek apologies or to give them,” [Elder Dallin H.] Oaks said in an interview. “We sometimes look back on issues and say, ‘Maybe that was counterproductive for what we wish to achieve,’ but we look forward and not backward.”

The church doesn’t “seek apologies,” he said, “and we don't give them.”

Peggy Fletcher Stack. “We all can be more civil on LGBT issues, Mormon leader says.” The Salt Lake Tribune, January 30, 2015.

I know this is not quite germane, but this is a flat out lie. "The church doesn't 'seek apologies,' he said, 'and we don't give them.'"...

Bullshiz.

When was the last time you sat in a church "court of love" Oaks? If people don't apologize for what the church accuses them of, they don't get to come back in, and likely at that level will be thrown out.

Your full of it Oaks....

[deacon blues]

It's interesting that recently organizations ranging from the Catholic Church to Wells Fargo have offered apologies, which is part of repentance. But the LDS Church? Nope.

[Brent]

COB: Just because you didn't do it doesn't mean it didn't happen. Apologize.

[Angel]

O that I were an angel and could cry repentance unto every .... are corporations people?