Unwritten Articles of Faith

Discussions toward a better understanding of LDS doctrine, history, and culture. Discussion of Christianity, religion, and faith in general is welcome.
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FiveFingerMnemonic
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by FiveFingerMnemonic » Tue Aug 14, 2018 2:11 pm

jfro18 wrote:
slavereeno wrote:
Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:32 am
FiveFingerMnemonic wrote:
Tue Aug 14, 2018 8:17 am
We know we stole the first principles and ordinances and the plan of salvation from Campbellite minister Walter Scott's five finger exercise and Parley P Pratt listed them in the exact same order in the first version of the AoF which Joseph then used for the Wentworth letter.
:o
Dammit, FFM! You just sent me down another rabbit hole and its blowing my mind again. I started googling Campbellite. There was already a "Restoration" of the gospel before JS ever came along? Its as if the early members of Mormonism thought they were just getting in on the ground floor with one of these restoration churches, with just a little special sauce on the side, then had it morph into a non-ecumenical polygamy thing.
It's really amazing how many things were stolen from the Campbellites... and that Sidney Rigdon was a Campbellite who just happened to show up before JS started introducing those ideas like the Melchizedek/Aaronic priesthoods.

It's now to the point where apologists will tell you that the Campbellites were 'inspired' people who received revelation but just didn't have the fullness that good old Joe did.
Anything methodist, congregationalist, and universalist set the stage of mormonism, then the reformed baptists came in later and set up the next round of church structure. It's a fascinating evolution of a religious organism. Next rabbit hole you should check out is the "new israelites" in vermont. That was Mormonism 1.0.

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Archimedes
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by Archimedes » Tue Aug 14, 2018 4:30 pm

Well, Joseph Smith, Jr. Himself wrote that it was a time of religious turmoil and difficult for a poor uneducated boy like him to know who to believe. It's no wonder that it was necessary for the Lord to appear to Him in the form of a Nephite princess, er... three personages, only one of whom was a salamander, er...

Anyway, it was the revelation from the lord that gave this poor young innocent the wherewithal to synergize all those religious ideas being fomented in this time of turmoil, and knead them into the One True Religion. We all know that Joseph Smith, Jr. could barely tie his own shoes, how do you expect him to interpret Campbellite doctrine with only his own meager brain?

Revelation, Bro. That's where it was at.
"She never loved you; she loved the church, her one true love. She used you to marry the church by proxy."

-- unknown reddit poster

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slavereeno
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by slavereeno » Tue Aug 14, 2018 5:51 pm

FiveFingerMnemonic wrote:
Tue Aug 14, 2018 2:11 pm
Next rabbit hole you should check out is the "new israelites" in vermont. That was Mormonism 1.0.
:o :o :o
You're killing me. Holy freaking cow! Is there anything that didn't get ripped off from some other group!?
Archimedes wrote:
Tue Aug 14, 2018 4:30 pm
Anyway, it was the revelation from the lord that gave this poor young innocent the wherewithal to synergize all those religious ideas being fomented in this time of turmoil, and knead them into the One True Religion. We all know that Joseph Smith, Jr. could barely tie his own shoes, how do you expect him to interpret Campbellite doctrine with only his own meager brain?
It never ceases to amaze me how there is a crazy convoluted explanation for everything and yet they don't add the probabilities of all the crazy, step back and look at it and go "Eff me, this is ridiculous"

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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by Reuben » Tue Aug 14, 2018 6:13 pm

I've been meaning to go through For the Strength of Youth for while now, but lacked motivation. It's time to turn this carefully written and edited pseudo-scripture into Articles of Faith. Feel free to read along.

Unfortunately, I have time for only one section tonight.

*****

Agency and Accountability

We believe in agency, which is the right to choose to obey God's will as revealed by the Prophet and the Correlation Department.

We believe that agency is a gift given by God to His children to give His wicked ones the opportunity to out themselves, similar to how apostates have the opportunity to out themselves by voting opposed in General Conference.

We believe in talking about "when" children will be baptized, but not "if" they will be. We believe in railroading children into receiving the greatest gift God has for them: a magic 8-ball of spiritual feelings, by which they can know "that" the Church is true, choose an eternal companion, and be warned to put their seatbelts on to provide fodder for hunger-addled testimonies.

We believe that even though the human brain is comprised of a hundred systems that work on different time horizons, address different needs, sometimes work against each other, almost never work transparently, fill in missing data with wild abandon, are unduly influenced by motivations, have a ridiculously small amount of data to work with, and often trick the conscious mind into being certain of utter bullshit, that we are 100% responsible for the choices we make because it is always possible to choose the right.

We believe that there is always a right and a wrong choice. We have never heard of trolley problems and would expect God to tell us exactly what to do if one came up in real life, anyway.

We believe that right and wrong can be condensed into a manageable collection of 70 times 7 rules.

We believe that God created man so that man could be obedient to Him. We believe that dirt is better than man because it always obeys God, and we aspire to be as obedient as dirt.

We believe in using a high degree of social influence that sometimes amounts to coercion to help each other not abuse the gift of agency. We do not believe that this contradicts any other beliefs.

We believe the Church is never wrong about anything important. We believe it is impossible to show moral courage by standing firm against the Church.

We believe that any pleasure taken from sinful behavior is temporary and worldly. We have not given much thought to what lasting, spiritual pleasure might be like because it sounds inappropriate and icky, but we assume it is experienced by those who receive a fulness of joy by being allowed to use their private parts in heaven.

We believe in labeling anything we disapprove of as temporary, worldly, false, counterfeit, or any one of a hundred other pejorative adjectives. We believe in labeling anything we approve of as lasting, spiritual, true, righteous, and so forth. We do not see this as moving the goalposts or linguistic appropriation.

We believe in living this life for the next one.

We believe that true freedom comes from exact obedience. We do not see this as a contradiction, but as a deep paradox or a koan.

We believe that George Orwell was right about potentially every organization, except the Church.

We believe that God will punish us or at least withhold rewards from us if we do not develop our talents and abilities, and use them for good. We do not see how such open-ended judgment could create anxiety. We also believe that we should do these things of our own free will. We do not see this as a contradiction, because true freedom comes from exact obedience, even when we do not know exactly what we should be obedient to.

We believe that 2 + 2 = 5.

We believe that because of this dangerous gift of agency, every child of God's mind should continually run a monitoring process called "God's judgment," which determines whether their thoughts and actions are approved by the Church, and produces shame when they are not. We believe that this is the yoke Jesus said was easy, and the burden Jesus said was light, because true freedom comes from exact obedience.

We believe that 2 + 2 = President Nelson.
Learn to doubt the stories you tell about yourselves and your adversaries.

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Archimedes
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by Archimedes » Tue Aug 14, 2018 8:15 pm

We believe that church is more important than any other thing, organization or person.
"She never loved you; she loved the church, her one true love. She used you to marry the church by proxy."

-- unknown reddit poster

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jfro18
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by jfro18 » Tue Aug 14, 2018 8:58 pm

We believe in the gift of personal revelation, insomuch as it confirms exactly to what the current prophet declares. Otherwise it is from adversary.

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græy
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by græy » Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:24 am

I just saw this thread. I can't stop laughing! :lol:
Well, I'm better than dirt! Ah, well... most kinds of dirt; not that fancy store-bought dirt; that stuff is loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff. -Moe Sizlack

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Red Ryder
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by Red Ryder » Wed Aug 15, 2018 11:23 am

We believe that 2 + 2 = President Nelson.
This would make a great bumper sticker in Utah!
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Reuben
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by Reuben » Wed Aug 15, 2018 2:38 pm

More based on For the Strength of Youth.

*****

Dating

We believe in dating, especially at BYU, which exists to help men prepare for their careers and to help women learn how to prepare tiny young men for their eventual careers.

We believe that women might need careers if they do not have a chance to find an eternal companion. An example is Sheri Dew, who will have the honor of being President Nelson's third wife, and whose name sounds like a soft drink for lesbians.

We believe that all men have ample chances to find an eternal companion, so it is just to consign single men to eternal singlehood. By divine design, this helps ensure the harem demographics of heaven, which Brother Brigham and President Nelson are depending on. We believe that if this makes any single man feel worthless, it is his problem.

We believe in dating only after age 16, ensuring that young men will begin precisely at peak testosterone, and that faithful youth will have many opportunities to awkwardly explain their religion's dating standards to incredulous peers, who began taking contraceptives and carrying condoms at age 10.

We do not believe in teaching safe sex or the meaning of consent, because that would just give those horny teenagers ideas, especially the young men, the filthy animals.

We believe that if everyone simply stuck to the guidelines in For the Strength of Youth, all problems with dating and sex would be crushed under the weight of oppressive wholesomeness.

We claim that the word "immorality" refers only to sexual behavior, because no other forms of immoral behavior are important. We do not believe that we are obsessed with sexual purity.

We believe that parents should become acquainted with their youths' dates, ask them awkward questions, show them photos of their youth as children in the bathtub, and give them worthiness interviews.

We believe that youths' magic 8-balls will help them remain moral, except in places where they must cease to function because they always choose to be easily offended, which are coincidentally the places where youth need them the most. We do not see Heavenly Father's parenting style as passive-aggressive or manipulative, because we have no other choice.

We believe that young men must ask out young women, because we are nostalgic for the good old days, when the men were men and the women were nervous. We believe that asking out young women is an Aaronic Priesthood responsibility, which may be assigned by the bishop or branch president.

We believe that marriage is the ultimate path and eternal destiny of all of Heavenly Father's children, except those that are not good enough. We do not believe this has anything to do with multiplying like rabbits for the Lord to build the Church, because if we did, we would declare birth control a sin, which would be silly.

We believe that the most important characteristic your prospective spouse can have is being worthy to go to the temple to be sealed to you, and possibly others after your death, for eternity. It is more important than love, respect, intimacy, capability, or even just being minimally nice, because those things are not asked about in a worthiness interview.
Learn to doubt the stories you tell about yourselves and your adversaries.

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slavereeno
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by slavereeno » Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:02 pm

Reuben wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 2:38 pm
More based on For the Strength of Youth.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

Pure Gold.

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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by Reuben » Thu Aug 16, 2018 4:58 am

slavereeno wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 6:02 pm
Reuben wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 2:38 pm
More based on For the Strength of Youth.


:lol: :lol: :lol:

Pure Gold.
Thanks!

Deacon blues, thank you for this idea. It's been strangely healing for me. I think it's because I can consider the contradictions and irritants but laugh about them instead of letting them simmer. Occasionally I see something that I can't make fun of, which is nice.

So I'm not stopping yet, at least until I'm done with this part of the Mormon Talmud.

*****

Dress and Appearance

We believe that our bodies are sacred. We believe they are temples that belong to God, which by sacred equivalence means they belong to the Church.

We believe that bodies are easily defiled and that defiling them is bad. We believe that not defining this term does not leave anxious members to worry that they have defiled their bodies by wearing yoga pants or drawing on themselves with a pen.

We believe that we can show love for Jesus by doing what the Prophet tells us to do with our bodies, which only sounds creepy to worldly people.

We believe in modesty for women, which is that they dress themselves so that they do not feel judged by the oldest woman in the ward, nor fantasized about by the perviest man in the ward. We are barely aware of any other meanings of the word "modesty."

We believe that women's thighs, stomachs, shoulders, collars and sternums are sexual objects, and do not see a problem with making them feel as if showing any part of these sexual objects has defiled themselves and others.

We believe that when women wear immodest clothing, they steal the magic 8-ball of spiritual feelings from every man who looks at them, because it always chooses to be offended by their sluttiness.

We believe that modesty standards are eternal fashion principles regardless of evidence to the contrary. We believe that none of the women in the endless parade of plural wives in the eternities would dare bare a glorified shoulder, lest every glorified man who gazes upon it lose his magic 8-ball and become a drooling, omnipotent hedonist fit only to be cast into telestial darkness.

We believe in layers for women, with more layers indicating more righteousness. We believe that when women undress, especially after returning home from church, it should be like peeling an onion down to its tender, sweet, lustworthy core.

We believe that male immodesty really means that they are simply slovenly, unkempt and gross, the filthy animals.

We believe that we should not disfigure our bodies by getting tattoos. We believe in applying this rule retroactively, but make exceptions for attractive tattooed people who become Mormon-famous for making us feel like we should not apply this rule retroactively, because that is how they repent. We do not see this as a contradiction.

We believe that women should disfigure their bodies at most with a single piercing in each ear, to entice men using shiny things that hang near the modest curves of their alluring necks instead of using their bodies.

We believe that men should have no piercings because piercings signal that men are gays, hippies or pirates.

We believe that cosmetic surgery does not defile women's bodies. We believe that God honors it, for in the resurrection, even a lift of the boob shall not be lost.

We believe in not dressing like slobs for meetings and activities. In particular, we believe that young men should wear "the uniform of the priesthood" to trick the young women into thinking that they might one day be worth marrying, pursuant to God's sacred strategy of out-breeding the competition.

We believe that dressing modestly prepares you to go to the temple by making you part of God's righteous "in" crowd instead of Satan's lascivious "out" crowd; yea, all the cool kids, even unto the Relief Society President, are doing it.

We believe in introspecting by asking ourselves whether we would feel comfortable in God's presence, particularly with respect to our dress and appearance. We do not believe that doing so leverages shame or fosters extreme conservatism, but we would never consider the question while in the shower. Ew!
Learn to doubt the stories you tell about yourselves and your adversaries.

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Angel
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by Angel » Thu Aug 16, 2018 8:23 am

dogbite wrote:
Tue Aug 14, 2018 10:52 am
.... an ordinance performed unworthily is still valid because God isn't legalist all the time. And unworthiness is not such a big deal if it makes us look bad if we were to try to be consistent about it.
... we believe the victim's sin is worse than the abuser's if the victim does not immediately and completely forgive.
“You have learned something...That always feels at first as if you have lost something.” George Bernard Shaw
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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slavereeno
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by slavereeno » Thu Aug 16, 2018 11:08 am

Reuben wrote:
Thu Aug 16, 2018 4:58 am
So I'm not stopping yet, at least until I'm done with this part of the Mormon Talmud.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Keep 'em coming!

Reuben
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by Reuben » Wed Aug 22, 2018 6:07 pm

Took time off to be angry about teaching the POX as revelation in seminary.

More from For the Strength of Youth.

*****

Education

We believe in becoming educated because doing so will help us take over the world.

We believe that education will benefit us in mortality, by which, in our special Mormon way, we do not mean it will benefit us in death.

We believe that everything in this life affects the life to come because we are still self-absorbed enough to regard everything in this life as meaningless unless it affects us personally forever, and to give Church leaders tremendous leverage over us.

We believe that education will benefit us directly in the life to come in some way that has never been explained, even though it really just makes no damn sense. We believe it because it makes us feel like we know something substantial about the eternities beyond the fact that the ruling class is heterosexual and polygamous, and to give space doctrine nerds something to speculate about.

We believe that education should be geared toward serving in the world and in the Church, except not the really in the world because it is wicked and does not deserve any freebies from us.

We believe that the best way to serve in the world is to convert it to Mormonism and then serve it in the Church.

We believe in helping those in need, such as Church leaders, who literally feed on our loyalty and would starve to death without it. We also believe in helping the poor, when we can spare some time from indoctrinating our large families and maintaining the Church.

We believe in having some very good attitudes about education that Reuben cannot figure out how to make fun of.

We believe that those who get a university education should keep anything they learn that contradicts the dominant narrative of 50 years ago to themselves, as if it were a genital wart. Dangerous majors include, but are not limited to, geology, archeology, anthropology, physics, astronomy, biology, psychology, theology, philosophy, sociology, literature, history, and X, where X is your favorite subject.

We believe that the anemic offerings in seminary and institute are a spiritual feast that we are ashamed to be bored with and ungrateful for. We believe that suffering through them will make our magic 8-balls of spiritual feelings work better because God rewards personal sacrifice, whether of food, water, time, critical thought, or truth.
Learn to doubt the stories you tell about yourselves and your adversaries.

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FiveFingerMnemonic
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by FiveFingerMnemonic » Wed Aug 22, 2018 6:18 pm

Reuben wrote:Took time off to be angry about teaching the POX as revelation in seminary.

More from For the Strength of Youth.

*****

Education

We believe in becoming educated because doing so will help us take over the world.

We believe that education will benefit us in mortality, by which, in our special Mormon way, we do not mean it will benefit us in death.

We believe that everything in this life affects the life to come because we are still self-absorbed enough to regard everything in this life as meaningless unless it affects us personally forever, and to give Church leaders tremendous leverage over us.

We believe that education will benefit us directly in the life to come in some way that has never been explained, even though it really just makes no damn sense. We believe it because it makes us feel like we know something substantial about the eternities beyond the fact that the ruling class is heterosexual and polygamous, and to give space doctrine nerds something to speculate about.

We believe that education should be geared toward serving in the world and in the Church, except not the really in the world because it is wicked and does not deserve any freebies from us.

We believe that the best way to serve in the world is to convert it to Mormonism and then serve it in the Church.

We believe in helping those in need, such as Church leaders, who literally feed on our loyalty and would starve to death without it. We also believe in helping the poor, when we can spare some time from indoctrinating our large families and maintaining the Church.

We believe in having some very good attitudes about education that Reuben cannot figure out how to make fun of.

We believe that those who get a university education should keep anything they learn that contradicts the dominant narrative of 50 years ago to themselves, as if it were a genital wart. Dangerous majors include, but are not limited to, geology, archeology, anthropology, physics, astronomy, biology, psychology, theology, philosophy, sociology, literature, history, and X, where X is your favorite subject.

We believe that the anemic offerings in seminary and institute are a spiritual feast that we are ashamed to be bored with and ungrateful for. We believe that suffering through them will make our magic 8-balls of spiritual feelings work better because God rewards personal sacrifice, whether of food, water, time, critical thought, or truth.
This is great stuff, bravo!

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deacon blues
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by deacon blues » Thu Aug 23, 2018 11:55 am

Archimedes wrote:
Tue Aug 14, 2018 8:15 pm
We believe that church is more important than any other thing, organization or person.
....or, in other words, thou shalt love the Church with all thy might, mind, and strength, and remind thyself at least once a month by attending the temple (but even better-- twice or more) that everything you are or have belongs to the Church.

In the infinitesimally slight chance that a Church leader might lead you astray, you must remember that you will still be blessed for following him (always a Him) and that God might even slay him with a sword wielding angel. But this should never be used to rationalize the deaths of prophets who die before the age of 90 years.

Thanks everyone. This turned out better than I expected :lol:
God is Love. God is Truth. The greatest problem with organized religion is that the organization becomes god, rather than a means of serving God.

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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by Reuben » Wed Aug 29, 2018 7:07 pm

It's so nice to have an outlet. More based on For the Strength of Youth.

*****

Entertainment and Media

We believe that technology is inspired by God, even when it is invented by wicked people like gay Alan Turing, who would normally be unable to have spiritual feelings. We believe that when it is required by the plot, God temporarily ceases his passive-aggressive silent treatment, but retains the role of eternal judge so that gay Alan Turing can still be thrust down to the Heterotelestial Kingdom.

We believe that the best uses for technology are doing half-assed genealogy and posting cringeworthy calls on social media to stand with the prophet on important issues like whether "Mormon" is a bad word.

We believe it is possible for information to lead us away from righteous living, but do not say exactly which so that all information can be regarded as potentially treacherous.

We believe that people should carefully weigh the reliability of what is on the Internet, unless it is on a site affiliated with and approved by the Church. We make exceptions for Elder Dunn's lies, because he is dead and therefore no longer matters, and was not an apostle, who would never do such a thing.

We believe that it is possible to distinguish approved knowledge from unapproved knowledge without it being an attempt at thought control, and that we are the only organization on Earth blessed with this rare ability.

We believe in making media choices that do not offend our magic 8-balls of spiritual feelings, which seem to get more sensitive every year, but can give curiously unexpected answers about Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones.

We believe that any media we feel good about must be good. We do not believe that this can be used to manipulate us.

We believe that Satan personally runs Hollywood and the Internet, and uses them to deceive overly credulous people, yea, even the very elect, into thinking that evil is good and good is evil. We believe that sometimes he dresses evil up so respectably and presents it with such authority that it looks like it comes from God himself.

We believe in producing pathos-soaked media that leaves out important information, because the only way to get someone to believe the truth is to deceive them into it. We do not see this as a contradiction, because the Church is true by Sacred Axiom 1. Indeed we may say that a spoonful of falsehood makes the truthfulness go down, in the most uplifting way.

(Sing it with me! Just a spoonful of falsehood makes the truthfulness go down! The truthfulness go da-own...)

We believe in training ourselves to be disgusted by everything the Church says is inappropriate or worse, so that we fear and are repulsed by those things, as well as the people who make them and the people who enjoy them - including ourselves. We do not see any problems with this approach to avoiding sin.

We believe that walking out of a movie that has content we have trained ourselves to be disgusted by is a courageous way to choose "us" over "them." We are willing to wait for the next life for "them" to join "us," and to graciously accept their thanks for our good examples.

We believe in describing pornography with scary terms like "addictive," "destructive," "serious" and "poison" to make people extra avoidant and shame those who use it, especially men, the filthy animals.

We believe that using pornography destroys self-worth and close relationships, and do everything we can to make this true.

We believe that using pornography induces a destructive cycle of sin and loss of magic 8-ball, the second part of which we do not recognize as being caused by shame. We believe in breaking the cycle by shaming the user further until the filthy animal inside shrivels up, leaving a submissive husk of potential cleanliness that will finally follow orders.

We believe in being judicious with our time using technology and careful with our personal information, in a way Reuben can't figure out how to make fun of.
Learn to doubt the stories you tell about yourselves and your adversaries.

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slavereeno
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by slavereeno » Thu Aug 30, 2018 2:38 pm

Reuben wrote:
Wed Aug 29, 2018 7:07 pm
We believe in producing pathos-soaked media that leaves out important information, because the only way to get someone to believe the truth is to deceive them into it. We do not see this as a contradiction, because the Church is true by Sacred Axiom 1. Indeed we may say that a spoonful of falsehood makes the truthfulness go down, in the most uplifting way.

(Sing it with me! Just a spoonful of falsehood makes the truthfulness go down! The truthfulness go da-own...)
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Love it!!

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Ho Lee Turtle
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by Ho Lee Turtle » Sat Sep 01, 2018 11:18 am

Thanks for the posts in this thread. Much enjoyed, and so I offer this one.

We believe that a magical incantation said over any refreshments at a gathering of saints can actually cause the cookies and punch to “nourish and strengthen our bodies”.

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græy
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Re: Unwritten Articles of Faith

Post by græy » Sat Sep 01, 2018 7:18 pm

:lol: I have to share some sort of testimony to kick off the monthly humble-brag fest tomorrow at church. I have no idea what to talk about, and now all I want to say is quote Reuben's accurate aricles of faith. AAoF? :P
Well, I'm better than dirt! Ah, well... most kinds of dirt; not that fancy store-bought dirt; that stuff is loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff. -Moe Sizlack

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