General Conference Predictions

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

2 hour church ideas?

SM/SS/3H = 40/40/40?

SM/SS/3H = 60/30/30?

SM/2H = 60/60?

SM/Sitting in my car = 60/60?

I'm batting a year now with 60 sacrament then 120 at home, then back for pickup duty. Mental health score increase of 80% at least.

[RubinHighlander]

How many times will they mention the new Saints book, selling the TBM audience on it as the answer to all their questions.

[crossmyheart]

How many times will they mention the new Saints book, selling the TBM audience on it as the answer to all their questions.

And along with that:

A new series of church videos dramatizing the chapters of the Saints book and other sticky points in church history to whitewash even more.

The first one to be released between sessions will be all about JS and his different first vision accounts- placing blame on his lowly education and word of mouth via the bumbling scribes.
viewtopic.php?f=5&t=3486

The second one will portray JS and all of his non-sexual marriages done behind Emma's back.

Third- the miraculous seer stone.

I could keep going- but need to get back to work!

[IT_Veteran]

The church will no longer solemnize civil marriages in the temple.

Brent, I thought the church stopped doing that several years ago. Maybe I’m not understanding fully, but the church used to allow you to be married civilly, for time only in the temple.

I think he's alluding to the temple ceremony as the one stop marriage event that excludes non-members and masturbators. Change the policy to mirror other countries that don't recognized the ceremony as a marriage meaning you have to civilly get married first, then sealed in the temple second.

This would eliminate the exclusion factor.

Without the exclusion factor, they lost most of the drive to keep attending, paying tithing, etc, for a great many of their members.

[Brent]

Also eliminates same sex issues. No litigation.

[Palerider]

How many times will they mention the new Saints book, selling the TBM audience on it as the answer to all their questions.

I'm going to predict that the more they mention this book and the historical problems, the more members they are going to lose.

Sooner or later, the member who THINKS they are informed will be hit with something the book didn't cover and they will turn to the internet for answers only to be blindsided by what they didn't know.

I'm thinking the church's problem gets worse and worse no matter what they do. 12 years ago addressing these issues would have been poo pooed by leadership because they couldn't foresee it as being a problem.

Now they are forced to wrestle with the tar baby which is a no win situation.

For being prophets and seers I'm a little surprised that NOBODY saw this coming and began to address it 30 years ago. As usual church leadership are reactive, not proactive. Consistently behind the curve.

[Red Ryder]

Wasn't Rough Stone Rolling the first attempt to counteract the internet Mormonism narrative? Wasn't Bushman tapped to write it by the FP?

Saints is just another version of RSR. Only dumber.

[Hagoth]

3. Obeying Church Authorities.

Every topic presented in General Conference is a variation on this theme. Even when they talk about obeying God, Jesus, the Gospel, etc. those words are merely euphemisms for The Brethren.

[2bizE]

I’ve heard the 2 hour church rumor quite a bit, even that it has been in trial version in a couple places outside the USA. Part of the rumor is that in some countries people are able to take a break from their jobs to attend church for up to 2 hours and this will help them be able to attend more often now. They are also holding services on days other than Sunday in order to accommodate people in areas where Sunday is not the typical sabbath observance day like it is in the USA as part of the trial.

The other rumor is that there is a clarification coming on word of wisdom related to tea. Apparently some teas are good for you and are ok. Some are still bad and not ok. They will provide guidance as to which are which. However, there is still no clarification on mild barley drinks being likened unto 3.2 beer.

My best prediction though is that there will be a lot of stories told about how the new ministering program has changed the world and been so successful.

Perhaps ministers could ask families if they are having one hour home Sunday school each Sunday after church. They could return and report. Something else for EQ secretary to do.

[Reuben]

They'll announce a new 12-step doubt recovery program that centers on repentance and faith in the church.

Elder Anderson will be in full-on cult mode.

"Before you question the church, question your questions."

The Mo**** Tabernacle Choir will open with a Sonny and Cher song.

The Mo**** Tabernacle Choir Nostril Cam (tm) will finally find its mark. The broadcast will cut to a wide shot as Dr. Nelson prepares for an ultimately successful extraction. Testimonies ensue.

A speaker will lament that television stations don't respect religious freedom enough to bleep out the word "Mo****."

In a heroic effort to invent more precise terminology, Elder Cook will refer to transgender people as "gender-discombobulation-addicted individuals."

After President Nelson nudges him awake, President Eyring will accidentally vote opposed to himself.

Lip smacking. A lot of lip smacking.

There will be one talk on the moral dangers of ASMR.

President Nelson will invite all the heathens and apostates back to church, as long as we wear surgical masks to keep believers from being contaminated.

Church security will administer temple recommend interviews to any conference-goer who "looks inappropriate" or looks like they might vote opposed.

Sam Young will organize a protest and chain himself to Handbook 1 with a condom. It will be weird, but we will be moved anyway.

[20/20hind]

Im predicting that Carol Mikita will have a half time show on the life of the prophet, EVEN Rusty M. Nelson, with gushing accolades from his current polygamous wife Wendy. Wendy will share personal sacred experiences of when Rusty recieved the sacred revelation that that blew all the saints back to independence Missouri, with what the church should not be referred to anymore.

Join Carol for her in depth look into life and service of president Rusty M. Nelson and his spiritual wife Windy, with a special guest, Even first councilor in the first presidency, Dallin H. Oaks, Yea, even the minister of gaslighting.

10 minutes of the half time show will be dedicated to the danger's of pranography and how to overcome this addiction by reading the scriptures, paying tithing, and yes, you guessed it, being obedient to your priesthood leaders..

[didyoumythme]

I have heard people insist on the 2 hour block and allowing civil marriages before sealings. Rumor is that the 2 hour block may be sacrament meeting the first hour, then sunday school or RS/PH every other week. Won't make the church true though so meh.

[Spicy McHaggis]

I predict I may get a sunburn instead of watching any of it.

[Palerider]

I have heard people insist on the 2 hour block and allowing civil marriages before sealings.

If they actually do this with temple marriage I'm thinking a lot of people (especially my wife) are going to feel cheated by the church because their relatives didn't get to see them get married....but now suddenly it's o.k.???

All her life my wife's non-member dad talked about how proudly he was going to walk her down the aisle at her wedding and instead he didn't even get to attend the ceremony much less walk her down the aisle.

Yeah, this wouldn't help the church's cause with her at all...just make things much worse.

[moksha]

However, there is still no clarification on mild barley drinks being likened unto 3.2 beer.

During the Middle Ages, water was frequently of such low-quality that people often drank ale and mead along with hippocras, wine, braggot, cyser, pyment, perry, brandy, whiskey, and liqueurs. These drinks were also added to water to make the water a bit safer to consume.

It is thought that some Medieval Mormons may have used barley tea until realizing that boiling this made the tea "hot to the belly".

[Kishkumen]

I'd be happy to attend church for 8 hours on a Sunday if they would change the 24/7 garments to temple only.

Sleeping naked would no longer be a sin!

What is it with you and garments? You can leave the church but you can't leave garments alone.

[Mahonri Moriancumer]

3. Obeying Church Authorities.

Every topic presented in General Conference is a variation on this theme. Even when they talk about obeying God, Jesus, the Gospel, etc. those words are merely euphemisms for The Brethren.

D&C 1:38
...whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.

[2bizE]

Will Dallin Hoaxs berate the gays or medical marijuana?
I predict both. The masterdebater will throw under the bus gays and anyone who uses marijuana the wrong way in contradiction to the WoW. The only appropriate and approved way is through a licensed pharmacy, which can't happen because pharmaceutical companies don't even make marijuana-based medications. In white salamander fashion he will explain how marijuana will kill society.

[Not Buying It]

The Church currently feels like it is under attack on several fronts (it’s really just experiencing the fallout of its own stupidity). Expect lots of talks about how persecuted members are, how Satan is leading even the elect astray, and how strict obedience to the Brethren is the only safe course. And expect the kind of victim blaming and psychological abuse we just saw from the president of BYU-I (coincidentally also President Eyring’s son).

Forget all these two hour block and temple sealing after civil marriage pipe dreams - the Church is in retrenchment mode, and is not feeling particularly progressive these days.

[Rob4Hope]

Every time things went bad for Joseph Smith, he would launch some new revelation that would create a big buzz amongst the membership. He did it in the east, he did it in Kirtland, he did it in Missouri, and in Nauvoo as well. Its modus operandi for HIM..... the contemporary question is, with the "biggest apostasy since Kirtland" happening, will they do it again?

YOU BET THEY WILL. But they will spin it as though there is some new revelation happening while not producing anything authentically new. The new book Saints will on the docket I'm sure...and I expect that will get a lot of airtime.