How did I believe this?

[Rob4Hope]

I found myself out about 10 years before I actually got out. I didn't know I was out--just that emotionally I had disconnected. I wasn't aware of sites like MormonThink.com or the CES letter. I read my scriptures, having gotten through the BoM probably 25 times, the Bible cover to cover once and the other books about 5-10 times each.

But I couldn't understand the lack of accountability. That was the beginning for me, never to be reconciled or even understood until later. Why did the church teach things, contemporary at the time, and not take responsibility for them? And why was i told "You think too much!" by people who struggled with the questions I asked?

Then the break happened, after which I discovered MormonThink, the CES, and other things. And the whole thing BLEW TO H#LL!

Let me just say: their ain't no way to put the pieces back together. They are in powder!

Anyway,...I finally got back to a grounded place, and I can't believe how hoodwinked I was! How my thinking mind was turned off with: "Oh, this is something you need to have faith about."....etc. I also didn't have access to the information that came out on the internet. But it was the emotional break that happened first.

Thoughts on how the rest of you started out believing and what was the first crack?

[1smartdodog]

I never very much liked church. It never jived with my adventure lifestyle. I was a true believer however and went through all the motions. I was looking for something to listen to on the plane. Podcasts were relatively new and I found this thing called Mormon Stories. He had only done three at the time. Soon after that I found Mormon Think. Two weeks latter I did not believe at all anymore.

I ask myself the same thing how could I believe such nonsense. I am even more befuddled by those who learn and still believe. That really makes no sense

[FreeFallin]

I had been working through depression and began having questions about the church - not doubting, just wondering why prophets hadn't addressed very well an issue so many struggle with. At this time I came across a book, Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith. I read a quote in that book from Joseph Smith where he stated that everyone who had apostatized from the church was an adulterer, and he could prove it. Cog dis.

Because of my own questions rising about the church, I believed that honest, good people could find themselves simply believing something different than mormonism without being sinners or anti-mormons or adulterers. It shook me. Not long after this, the Relief Society class was on "Why People Leave." That lesson changed something in me. My perspective shifted into an outsider looking in, and for several months I saw such odd things going on within the church. I saw the blind devotion, the unquestioned principles, the overzealousness of many ordinary members.

And then I asked myself the question, "what if there's not a one and only true church?" That was basically the end for me. I felt knots untie in my stomach and felt that it was appropriate for me to follow this assumption. I stopped attending shortly after, because it is just so hard to take if you aren't fully believing. About six months later I discovered all of the online discussions with all of the accompanying church issues with history, etc.

Powder is a good word.

[wtfluff]

Thoughts on how the rest of you started out believing and what was the first crack?

First crack? Basically: Waking up to reality and realizing: I've checked all the boxes, and lived mormonism as best I can, and it doesn't live up to it's promises. It: Just. Doesn't. Work.

I kept going through the motions, doing all the mormon things that would "fix" me for probably another 10 years before a completely innocent Google search lead me toward the truth about mormonism's Truth Crisis and my "testimony" of mormonism turned to powder in a couple of weeks.

[Red Ryder]

The repetition triggered my brain and I opened Pandora's box. In December 2004, the church sent out a new DVD about Joseph Smith and the First Vision. I'd seen the film strip version shown at all baptisms probably 100 times. Thanks to church repetition I knew that thing forwards and backwards. My 4 year old daughter was super excited to watch the movie that she pulled out of the mailbox!! This particular version omitted the part where 14 year old Joseph Smith knelt to pray and was thwarted by Satan at first before moving to another spot in the grove and praying again when Jesus and HF appeared.

Because of the repetition, the omission lodged a noticeable thought in my brain. It stayed with me for a week. I thought, if they could omit that now, what could they have omitted in the past?

I googled "omitted first vision" and Pandora's box was opened. That led to a long list of issues. Then I found the Recovery From Mormonism website better known as exmormon.org! Suddenly I was deeply immersed in reading exit stories and finding others who felt similar with a lot of the same issues with the church. Suddenly there was validation that I wasn't crazy!

My testimony lingered for a few years as I disengaged mentally and emotionally. I cut off my bank account fairly quickly and stopped wearing the authorized pattern. For years I was 85% to 90% done and my testimony didn't turn to powder until the Late War word analysis done by the Johnson brothers came out. By this time I realized the BOM wouldn't pass a high school plagiarism check and the remainder of my testimony became powdered milk instantly!

I've hung around various boards purging my brain of all things that bothered me and finding a tremendous amount of humor along the way. It's not easy to wake up and realize your whole eternal perspective is gone and possibly built on the greatest fraud to survive since the 1830's.

The worst possible outcome has been realized as I'm out and my spouse is in. This has created the most difficult issue to navigate in our marriage over the last 14 years. She's felt betrayed by my disaffection. Frankly it's left me crazy at times, depressed at other times, and constantly untrusting of everyone. My son recently pointed out to me that I think everyone is trying to rip me off or pull a fast one over me. Yet I can't help feeling this way which makes life difficult at times.

I've taken the red pill though so no going back. I wouldn't change my narrative now because I've relearned to think differently, to see life more beautifully, and to love more fully. I've met some awesome lifelong friends both here and in real life. I've found comfort by finding the humor within the inherent absurdity of Mormonism. It's everywhere and should be exposed to those we love still stuck in the cult of Mormonism.

RR

[MerrieMiss]

Waking up to reality and realizing: I've checked all the boxes, and lived mormonism as best I can, and it doesn't live up to it's promises. It: Just. Doesn't. Work.

I was disengaged for years but believed it was true. There are so many times I could have woken up, but there was never an emotional reason to and I believed any problem I had with the church was my fault - I wasn't smart enough, good enough, spiritual enough, I wasn't doing enough. When I had my first kid, I checked that last box on the Mormon to-do list titled "Mother" and I realized I had done everything I was asked to do and it still made no sense and I was miserable. For the first time I asked myself, "What if I'm not the problem?" It was easy from there.

[Rob4Hope]

Cognitive dissonance is not a nice thing.

And it hurts like h3ll that half my life was consumed in that cult. Any group that tells you to not think too hard about something, IMHO, is a cult.

[Reuben]

Why I believed: it was my identity. Pretty standard. There are a hundred mechanisms that make identity influence beliefs. The biggest two for me were collective pride ("I belong to the greatest organization the world has ever known!") and fear of judgment.

First crack: found grace in the Book of Mormon. Pride and shame had much less control over me.

Second crack: Alma 39 doesn't say sexual sin is next to murder. Looks like that's two big things the prophets have gotten wrong.

Third crack: The church teaches certainty instead of faith. Geez. This is really basic stuff, guys.

A hundred microfissures: church history. I had known most of the crappy things for years.

Boom: God seems to help the people who need it the least. I realized that the level of intervention at all levels claimed by the church could have no basis in reality. I finally allowed myself to see other, better explanations for the supposed evidence. There really was no Santa Claus.

I think a real turning point, though, was at a F&T meeting where members were claiming, as always, to actually know things. "How in the hell could they know anything?" I thought. It was followed by "I'm not like these people." The shelf broke within weeks.

[Emower]

My first crack was thinking about calvinism and pre-destination vs. foreordination and how all that relates to agency. You think about that long enough and it makes your brain hurt. I always knew that the church did not have a lock on how all the details worked, but that was a big detail that did not make sense to me. Then they changed the official deceleration #2. That was some serious cog.dis. That opened me up to wondering if a Prophet could be wrong. It was fast track to a faith crisis at that point.

[Anon70]

I would say that it was the lds essays. I can’t remember now which one I read first but I read them all and the footnotes and then every book I could get my hands on and then RFM and here and reddit. I was frantic. I’d always been a bit unorthodox but I believed the core beliefs. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t talk to my spouse about anything but this. Prayed. Studies the scriptures more. And one day I asked myself what if it just isn’t true? What if Joseph made it all up? And I just felt better. All the frantic panicky feelings eased up.

I feel like posts like this are so important. When I would read during my “faith crisis” they were so validating—it helped to know other people were going through or had gone through the same thing. It was critical to my emotional health that I and my testimony and my lack of faith weren’t the issue.

[Linked]

I identified as a TBM from as early as I can remember. I felt like whatever else I did, I was a child of God in His True Church. I read my scriptures until I got married, at that point I stopped for some reason, even though we were both devoted TBMs. I think this was important, because it allowed me the internal distance needed from my church identity to consider what my experiences told me.

I think the first real crack came while I was working as an engineer and I asked multiple people why they thought we were having a failure in a product. Several people were totally certain of the cause, but they disagreed with each other. I wondered about how people could be so certain about something as concrete as an engineering issue and be wrong. Smart people that I trusted. Then I thought about my religious upbringing. My parents and leaders were so certain about god and church, but it is far less knowable than engineering issues. And if I'm honest I trusted the people at work more than most of the people who taught me about god. I was into Occam's Razor at the time too, which points against mormon claims. After that I was no longer certain of my place in the universe. It took me a couple years to finally admit to myself that I didn't believe anymore, but during those 2 years I would find a lot of things crazy at church that I didn't see before then.

[Rob4Hope]

You all are my friends. There is some real reality and honesty in the posts on this thread.

Thank you.

[MalcolmVillager]

Amen to all of your posts. I have live all of those essentially. Maybe in a different sequence, but all those challenges plus 1000 more.

Yet I still go. Family roots are deep and pull with real consequences. Maybe someday I will part ways. So far it is the slow drift. DW is coming along a few years behind my pace.

[2bizE]

My first crack was Noah and the arc. I thought critically about it for the first time and realized it couldnt have happened I was taught. Then Adam and Eve. Same thing. Then the church came out with Essays, which took me down the rabbit hole.

[Hagoth]

Honestly, my first crack was dragging my thumb across my neck in the temple. Unfortunately it took more than 30 more years before there were too many holes in the dike for me to plug.

[Palerider]

Return missionary, temple married for about 12 years at the time.

I was passing through the city library (pre-internet) and saw "No man knows my history" by Fawn Brodie. It was sitting on a sale table. I had heard that it was controversial but decided to just thumb through it quickly. For some reason I hit right on her telling of Joseph putting his head in his hat with the peepstone to "translate" the BoM.

Couldn't believe it was true. Had never been taught anything like that. Slowly began to find answers. Answers always seemed pathetic and inadequate. More questions. More pathetic answers over the next 10 years. Always hoping for some great redeeming answer that would obliterate the cog dis.

Speed increased exponentially with internet. Finally hit me that this thing was irretrievably broken. Huge sense of heartache, betrayal, anger. Plus, how do I tell my wife, kids and inlaws who were all TBMs?

Thankfully it all worked out in the end.

Just the other day my wife was telling me how much "lighter" her life has become since dumping the guilt inducing church.

I just smile that she's so happy...