My wife got flowers from her dead father, c/o her TBM sister

[Yobispo]

This sister is very, very TBM to the point of fanaticism. While she has been kind to DW since our exit from TSCC in 2016, the relationship has that familiar strain which comes with the famous TBM sad, disappointed face.

It started with a phone call from the sister, claiming a very special spiritual experience while thinking about my wife and their dad who passed in 2016. When DW got home she had a beautiful bouquet of flowers on the kitchen table with a card that read, "Dear XXX, you are wonderful, etc.. Love, Dad".

Now, the flowers were fine. The idea that she was thinking about my wife and their dead father was touching. But it's the subtly of the "Love, Dad" part that sends me through the roof. There is an implication that she had a message from Dad, to DW. My wife famously told her angry mother back in 2017 "If the church is true, Dad will come tell me." So that little tidbit is floating in the familial soup. But even her mother didn't dare speak for the dead father.

Worse still, it implies that Sister has a connection with their dad that my DW doesn't (or can't) have because she is out of the church. DW has very poor health, and since leaving the church her health has significantly worsened. There have been hints from her family that, duh, of course she's worse off outside of the church. This message from their dad made my wife feel even more separation from her family; it did NOT make her feel like her dad was watching from heaven.

What the hell is wrong with these self-righteous jerks? It is crystal clear to me that the only message intended was that Sister is close to dad because she is so %$#@ spiritual, and obviously she is that spiritual because she's an active Mormon and DW can't have those kinds of spiritual connections from outside of the pews. I'm really ticked off and defensive for my sweetheart who has had a very difficult journey of integrity by leaving TSCC. If these pompous spiritual giants were so humble, they'd spend 5 minutes trying to understand how a person like my wife feels having their whole world turned upside down. But instead of acting like Jesus and lifting the hands that hang low, they instead proudly climb up the stairs of the Rameumptum and shout to the heavens for all to see, and hurting their exmo siblings in the process.

[wtfluff]

Ugh. I hope this doesn't cause your wife too much angst.

I haven't received any proxy gifts from dead relatives, but I did get the "Your dead parent is disappointed" when some of my immediate family finally figured out I had given up on all things COJCOLd$. I just ignored that comment. I tell myself that the believers say things like this out of some sort of "tough love" or something like that. I believe they have no idea the damage that it can cause.

[Yobispo]

Ugh. I hope this doesn't cause your wife too much angst.

I haven't received any proxy gifts from dead relatives, but I did get the "Your dead parent is disappointed" when some of my immediate family finally figured out I had given up on all things COJCOLd$. I just ignored that comment. I tell myself that the believers say things like this out of some sort of "tough love" or something like that. I believe they have no idea the damage that it can cause.

I am certain they don't know how painful this stuff can be to us. But I think people who are this adamant about their discipleship show their true colors when they don't stop to think about how their "tough love" may make us feel. In this case, it was all about her showing her spiritual chops. In fairness, I can see this same thing coming from any religious zealot, not just Mormons.

[Thoughtful]

Oh my. This is toxic and manipulative. I am so sorry.

[jfro18]

Wow... I don't know what to say outside of being sorry for you and your wife that you have to deal with this.

[2bizE]

Send a bouquet of flowers to sister with a note saying,
“Found out the church is a scam”, love Dad.

[moksha]

Sometimes family members become mentally ill. Best to be forgiving and supportive of those experiencing delusions, depressions, or other symptoms of the mental illness. If counseling is required, it is nice if people can receive it even before they become a danger to themselves or others. Best wishes.

[Reuben]

Send a bouquet of flowers to sister with a note saying,
“Found out the church is a scam”, love Dad.

Hmm. Some gentler variant of this might be appropriate.

"Dearest daughter, we all think the world of you, having joined with the essence of your wonderful father. We're all pulling for you, and hope you find it in you to accept his other amazing daughter as she is before you join us. Love, The Family."

[w2mz]

Send a bouquet of flowers to sister with a note saying,
“Found out the church is a scam”, love Dad.

Hmm. Some gentler variant of this might be appropriate.

"Dearest daughter, we all think the world of you, having joined with the essence of your wonderful father. We're all pulling for you, and hope you find it in you to accept his other amazing daughter as she is before you join us. Love, The Family."

Or how about a note with a single pink rose that says, “Dear TBM Sister, Heber C. Kimball appeared to to me in a vision and said (confidentially) that he has it on good authority that your husband is looking at porn and won’t be making it to super VIP heaven, so, he is going to have you added to his heavenly harem when you die even though he thinks no more about adding another wife than buying a cow. P.S. he thinks you have great b00bs.”

Seriously though, I’m so sorry your wife is being targeted like that.

[Yobispo]

Thanks friends. Needed to rant. The culture can be so incredibly hurtful sometimes.

[Mormorrisey]

That's, uh, not good. Sorry your wife is going through that.

It's good that you're there, Yobispo, to take the sting away. I have a sibling that really takes my narcissistic mother's rants very hard, even though they've had no contact for a couple of years now, and has blocked her. Messages still tend to get through, though. It's good when I get a call when they are sad about it, and I can help laugh their way through the nonsense. My sibling has tried for years to accommodate my mom's narcissistic behaviour, until it became impossible - but they still suffer from it. I suspect your DW is at the same place, and I'm sure you're doing your best to mitigate that behaviour. That's all you can do.

Still sucks, though. Good luck, man.