#DezNat parody

[misterfake371]

I've had some fun on Twitter lately. I sent out these tweets, all with the DezNat hashtag:

A lotta fancy professors and scholars are hating on Joseph Smith for looking in seerstones and digging for treasure and blah blah blah, but here's the bottom line: Joseph Smith found the Golden Plates, and you didn't!

The Book of Mormon teaches over and over again that if you keep the commandments, you'll prosper. That's why the Apostles are so rich!

Jesus said there's no marriage in Heaven. But that must be a mistranslation, right? Because anything in the Bible that contradicts current church teaching must be a mistranslation, right guys?

The angel in Revelation 14:6 is the Angel Moroni. It's so obvious. Who are the other angels in the verses after that? I don't know, and I won't speculate. Speculation leads to damnation. So until the Brethren reveal the other angels' identities, EVERYONE SHUT UP!

Pop Quiz! Multiple Choice.

Who’s the Prophet?

A) President Nelson
B) I’m an idiot

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints used to preach against inter-racial marriages. Now they put pictures of smiling inter-racial couples in the Ensign. That's not a contradiction. That's continuing revelation! I'm so thankful for revelation that continues!

I don't care what anyone says. CAIN IS BIGFOOT!!!

Brigham Young said there were people living on the sun and people living on the moon. Yeah. It's true. He really said that. But, when he said that, he was speaking as a man, not as a prophet. So it's all good.

Born-again Christians think they're "saved" just because they "felt a good feeling" in church one day when their "pastor" told them to "accept Jesus into their hearts." Well, guess what? I felt THE REAL SPIRIT AND I KNOW THE REAL CHURCH IS ACTUALLY THE TRUE CHURCH!!!

Generally speaking, the more righteous you are, the whiter you are. That's not racist! That's a teaching straight from the Book of Mormon! And, I'm not saying the Church leaders are the most righteous people on Earth, but, have you seen their skin color lately? Hmmm...

Just wait longer guys. Pretty soon they're gonna find the ruins of the city of Zarahemla or some leftover wood from a Jaredite boat or something like that. We just gotta give the archaeologists more time.

If you ever wanna see your family again after you die, then get sealed in the temple and keep your covenants. Does that sound like a threat? Well, maybe it is a threat. A threat straight from the mouth of God!

I used to call myself Mormon, like when everyone made "I'm a Mormon" profiles a few years ago. But now the Prophet has asked us to call ourselves, "members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints," not "Mormons." Does that make me an ex-Mormon? Of course not! Ex-mormons are evil!!!

Dress like the Apostles. Speak like the Apostles. Smile like the Apostles. Then, one day, you'll be chilling with the Apostles in the Celestial Kingdom.

Christian "pastors" get paid. We all know they're just in it for the money. But what about THE TRUE CHURCH? Well, I'm just thankful that we never pay any church leaders any money ever.

Noah's Flood = Earth's baptism. Fire at the 2nd Coming = Earth's confirmation
What's next? EARTH'S SEALING!!! That's right folks! Someday, the Earth is gonna marry another planet! I hope the groom is Mercury, because he's really hot. (jk! lol!)

If your last dying thought is, "Babies should get baptized," then you go to Hell automatically. That's what the Book of Mormon says! (read Moroni chapter 8.)

It's hard to not come across as holier-than-thou when I am actually holier than most people.

If you ever know you're going to be in the presence of an Apostle, bring sunglasses. They're so holy they shine like Moses, fresh from the mountaintop.

Do you ever look at someone and think, "he's the reason our city hasn't been translated yet?"

My patriarchal blessing has a lot of really awesome stuff in it. Like, seriously, so awesome. But I can't talk about it with any of you. But it's not a secret, just like the temple ceremonies aren't secrets. They're sacred. I just can't talk about the sacred stuff.

I don't mean to brag... but my uncle is a General Authority. And guess who I got a personal Christmas card from last year? Elder Oaks.

Life sucks sometimes. I can't wait until I can make my own planets and have trillions of spirit children who all worship me.

"Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet. Don't go astray. Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet. He knows the way." There might be more Mormon doctrine than that, but you don't really need it.

Listen up feminists, commies, and dudes that wear non-white shirts to church: SUBMIT NOW TO THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS OR ELSE YOU'LL SPEND ETERNITY IN A LOWER KINGDOM!!! YOU WILL NEVER EVER HAVE ANY SPIRIT BABIES!!!

A lot of people wonder why leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints never do interviews with the media. Well guess what? They're the leaders and you're not, so shut up!

Remember, friends, when an anti-Mormon says, "there are big differences between the First Vision accounts," all he's really saying is, "I wanna look at porn."

The living prophet Russel M Nelson is the best prophet on the earth forever no matter what because the living prophet seer and revelator lives right now and receives revelation EVERY MINUTE from God on behalf of the whole world no matter what you say.

If you pray about the Book of Mormon and you feel good, that means the book is true. If you pray about the Book of Mormon and you feel bad, that means you didn’t pray right. If don’t feel anything, assume the book is true, because I had a good feeling about it one time.

Reminder. When the doctrine and covenants section 89 says “hot drinks” it means “coffee and tea, even if it’s cold coffee or cold tea.” The Brethren have spoken.

tbh, sometimes I wonder how much $ the apostles make. do they even get paid at all? i wanna ask my bishop, or somebody, but... im 2 scared. help. none of you will probably answer me & i guess thats ok. sigh. i guess i'll just keep paying my tithing.

Catholics baptize babies. That's both wicked and dumb. The baby has no idea what's going on! We members of THE TRUE CHURCH baptize 8-year-olds, when the kids know exactly what they're getting into.

Do you ever wonder why there were so many changes to the Book of Mormon between its first and second printing? Because it's "the most correct book on earth" and everything? Well I don't wonder about that. I KNOW the Church is true!!!

What some members of the Church don't seem to understand is that IT'S NONE OF THEIR FREAKING BUSINESS WHAT THE APOSTLES DO WITH TITHING MONEY! Just pay your 10% and then shut the heck up, OK, everybody?

I wonder which version of the endowment ceremony is required to get into the celestial kingdom. No church leader seems to want to talk about the different versions. Oh well. I guess that's one of those questions that's not pertinent to my salvation.

Dude ballerinas are so gay. I bet they don't even read the Book of Mormon.

"Deseret" is a word from the Adamic language. If you agree, type "Yes." If you don't agree, repent.

This presidential election is a mess. Don't blame me. I voted for Russel M. Nelson.

Is it just me, or are Native Americans looking whiter lately?

A prophet is only a prophet when he's speaking as a prophet. How do I know? The prophet told me so.

How many times do I have to explain this to you idiots? THE TEMPLE IS NOT A SECRET!!! I'm just not allowed to tell anyone what happens in there.

If your bishop tells you to steal tithing money you should do it because

1] the bishop has the priesthood keys
2] the bishop has the keys to the clerk's office
3] it's not a sin if the bishop tells you to do it

Ha! Some loser exmo just tried to tell me about James Strang so I priesthood punched him.

The Apostles are 2 polite to say this, so I will: The Catholics took out all the really good stuff from the Bible cuz they're "the whore of all the earth!" (1 Nephi 22: 13) But who needs the Bible anyway when you have THE ONLY LIVING PROPHET ON THE ENTIRE PLANET EARTH!!!

Fellow members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, if you're struggling with your testimony, just close your eyes. Whisper, "temple." Say it over and over again. "Temple. Temple. Temple." Say it ten-thousand times. Eventually, your testimony will return.

I saw a guy in sacrament meeting last Sunday wearing a light blue shirt. He was probably a homo.

Holy cow! I just fell off my bike and hit my head really hard and I wasn't wearing a helmet but the cool thing is I'm pretty sure I saw Kolob. It was beautiful.

I know the church is true. I'm 100% sure. Actually I'm 1000% sure. Actually, wait, no, I'm a billion % sure. No, I'M ACTUALLY INFINITY PERCENT SURE!!!

I don't care how many depressed Mormon Mommies there are. The Church is still true. All we need to do is keep passing out the Prozac.

exmo's r just jealous cuz they're gonna B single 4ever but im gonna have 57 celestial-body-wives

I know the Book of Mormon is true because I looked in a peepstone one time and you know what words popped up on there? "THE BOOK OF MORMON IS TRUE." Of course, it was written in Reformed Egyptian, but... the Spirit told me that that's what it said.

I know the Book of Mormon is true because one day, my uncle was gardening and he found the skeleton of a curelom.

I admit it. Samson had dreadlocks. But so what? Samson was an imperfect product of his time. In the dispensation of the fullness of times, the most righteous haircuts have been revealed. So cut your darn hair, hippies!

[Hagoth]

Every one a gem.

What kind of responses do you get to this stuff?

[Culper Jr.]

These are hilarious! Every one! I've heard most if not all of these sentiments at some point in my life in the church. There's always "that" person with no filter who believes this stuff..

[moksha]

"Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet. Don't go astray.
Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet. Follow the prophet. He knows the way."
There might be more Mormon doctrine than that, but you don't really need it.

I think it is a sign of genius that you were able to distill the essence of a number of General Conference talks so concisely.



BTW, the newly discovered monolith in the Utah desert just vanished, but don't worry, it was translated to the Kolob space station where will be assigned its own planet and harem of sister-wives.

[misterfake371]

Every one a gem.

What kind of responses do you get to this stuff?

Most of my tweets got no response whatsoever. Idk how many people actually see them. One lady told me to stop mocking sacred things. One guy spammed me with a bunch of Chris Farley GIFs. One person thought I was serious and that was funny. Ex-mo's think it's funny.

[misterfake371]

MORE FUNNY TWEETS USING THE DEZNAT HASHTAG!!! December 13th 2020 update!

I've tried to get close to President Nelson. On numerous occasions, I've said to myself, "If only I can touch the lapel of his suit, I shall be healed of my desire to look at http://mormonthink.com" But every time I approach him, his bodyguards tackle me. And I cry.

I want President Nelson to speak to me now, but I sin in my desire, for I know that I have not sufficiently pondered on the many revelations that he has already so graciously poured out onto the earth, into the ears of ungrateful wretches like me! I repent! I repent!

I can't wait for President Nelson to speak again! He only has to utter one word, and an electric sensation pulses throughout my entire body. Unfiltered revelation is downloaded into my spirit, giving me a foretaste of the paradisaical glory that will come to the Earth.

In Church I learned that I should try to be more like the Prophet Joseph Smith, so I started secretly marrying a bunch of underage women.

I'm so thankful for living Apostles! They do the thinking so I don't have to!

I'm working on some lyrics:

"I looked in the peepstone
and what did I see?
Reformed Egyptian characters!
Rocks have brought me such a nice surprise:
Jaredites and cureloms right before my eyes."

I really like the deznat hashtag because I've found so many new friends here. we're ALL friends now and when the law of consecration happens again and polygamy and Zion then we'll all be friends 4 real life and then please can I have a cup of sugar? the church is true!

when I see the temple I cry and when I see the prophet I cry and when I go to church I cry and when I sing "we will find a little nest in the branches of a tree let us count the eggs inside, there are 1 2 3" I cry BECAUSE OF THE SPIRIT!!! I know the church is true!!!

oh my gosh I feel such loving feelings the loving feelings just keep coming im basically shaking right now overwhelmed with feelings but the feelings are actually revelation. personal revelation that THE CHURCH IS TRUE!!! AND HERBAL TEA IS OK... BUT ITS KINDA GAY!!!

I wanna let everyone in the world know how I feel in my heart about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that I know with all my knowing brain that the true things that the prophets say are true and I will obey them no matter what 4ever and you should 2.

like a little town yeah a little town in Utah is the happiest place ever because everyone there knows the truth about the universe which is that God came from another planet and see the stars? those can be yours someday! if you're good. I bear my witness!

seriously eveyr1 in Utah is blessed to live in a state that was founded by prophets because prophets are the ones with the keys and you can't have the keys because you're not a prophet and if you wanna be prophet then you need to pray but you probably still won't B 1

every1 in the whole entire world for all of the time 4ever neeeeeeds to reed the Book of Mormon and then the Book of Mormon says, "keep reading the Book of Mormon" and Ethen every1 gets so happy when they read it cuz of love. that's my belief, no THATS MY KNOWLEDGE!!!

the rocks shined. the rocks really shined. the Book of Mormon says that they shined and I know that they shined because the feeling in my heart whispers to me "yes they did shine" and then the deserte bumblebees made the honey for the milk and honey land.

im so happy because I just took a pill but that's not the real reason im happy im actually happy because the prophet is the true prophet and im so happy because the broth3r or Jared touched those rocks and made them shine no he prayed actually but they did shine 4 real

so many people on the whole planet love the prophet and me too I love the prophet and if we just follow the prophet 4ever then our hearts will B filled with love and that's what we all need 2 do 4ever just follow the prophet even if he says kill someone.

I love my testimony because my testimony tells me that the prophet is the true prophet and I know the scriptures are true because the prophets wrote the scriptures but every time a prophet speaks its like BAM new scripture so that's why I follow Elder Uchdorf on twitter

so my evil ex-mo bro kept saying "zelph zelph zelph!" and I was like, "what's Zelph?" so I thought about googling but then the voice inside my heart, like deep deep inside, my deep deep heart, said, "NO! ZELPH = BAD! DO NOT LOOK AT ZELPH!" so then I didn't google

when I was 11 I went to the forest and my mom told me to pray so I prayed and thats when I found out for sure that Joseph Smith was a prophet because when I prayed I cried wo why would I cry if my hearts was telling me lies? I CRIED!!! the church is true!!!

when I die im gonna be an angel and whisper into everybnodss ear, "the feeling is in your heart! the feelings is in your heart! shhhh... listen to the feelings!!!" and then everyone will like EVERYONE will believe in all the wonderful things like the Urim and Thumbim.

sometimes bad peeple tell me about seerstones and im like what the heck is wrong with yuo? don't you know the temple is TRUE???!!! and that's why im testifying right now to everyone in the whole entire world that the Nephites are my friends because there really real

three sos much love in my heart because of the prophets and I know the prophets are true prophets because the true prophets are so true like when they talk I just feel it so much in my true heart and my heart is LOVING and that's my testimony. read Moroni!

the church is so wonderful and the temple is so wonderful and the prophet is so wonderful and the scriptures are so wonderful and the wonderful thing about all those SACRED things is that I love all of them like the temple is just so loving & I'm crazy but love yay!

and oh my goodness I love the temple and im actually crying rn because I just thought about the temple and everyday! all the time! every time! I think about the temple and one time I didn't even go in the temple because of reasons but I touched the temple and I cried

I love president nelson so much like so so much when president nelson talks at general conference that's when the love enters my heart so much and enters my spirit and my spirt feels love like so much love and there are like stars in my eyes 4 real when he enters a room

oh my goodness I love the church so much like so much just love love love and I know its true yeah I know its true 4ever like when I go to church its just love everywhere all over the place and when the prophet talks im like oh yeah love love love!!!

ugh. sometimes i just can't understand what the telestial kingdom is wrong with people. every1 should just convert to the true church rn. come on, people. what r u waiting 4? Archeological evidence supporting the Book of Mormon? Ha! We all know that's never gonna happen

Just because Joseph Smith and Brigham Young drank lots of alcohol, that doesn't mean you can drink alcohol too! Obey the Word of Wisdom!!!

Joseph Smith must be a prophet because he made so many prophecies that came true! Like, remember when he said that America would have a Civil War? And then America really did have a Civil War? Who else could have seen that coming?

I wish President Nelson was king of the whole entire world.

The CES Letter raises a lot of difficult questions. But don't worry! The Apostles have answered all of them! To see the answers, CLICK HERE. If the link isn't working, try again tomorrow, or next year, or next decade.

An angel with a flaming sword commanded Joseph Smith to have sex with over thirty women. If you don't believe that, your faith is weak.

A while back I was having a faith crisis because of the CES Letter, but then I saw Elder Eyring cry and then BAM! My testimony came back!

Sometimes I wonder why Joseph Smith married a 14 year old girl, and why he married women who were already married to other men, and I get pretty upset about that stuff, but then I just remember that I need to CTR. Then I feel better.

Hey Book of Mormon fans, what's your favorite spin-off book? Mine's the Book of the Law of the Lord by James Strang! The books produced by Christopher Nemelka are great, too!

Hey Book of Mormon fans, who's your favorite spin-off character? Mine's Zelph!

Just wait longer guys. Pretty soon the sealed portion of the Book of Mormon is gonna come out and it's gonna blow all of your minds.

Do not trust any church book pre-1990, such as Mormon Doctrine by Bruce R. McConkie. That book is no longer published by Desert Book, so it shouldn't have a place on a bookshelf in a home occupied by faithful members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Hey I just wanna encourage everyone to only read books about God that are written by LDS authors AND published by Deseret Book. And make sure the book has been published in the last 10 years. Actually, just to be safe, make that 5 years. Keep your testimony safe!

Wanna know which Prophet is my favorite Prophet? The current one! Yay for prophets!!!

Wanna know which General Conference was my most favorite General Conference ever? The most recent one! Yay for revelation!

I can neither confirm nor deny if the endowment ceremony has ever been altered in any way. I am a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am not at liberty to discuss such sacred matters.

I wanted to tell you about something but the Church said I shouldn't so nevermind.

Obviously The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Jesus' one true church! It's got His name in the title! Hello! If there's another church out there with His name in it, then I've never heard of it!

Celebrating Pioneer Day is fine, and learning a little about your ancestors is fine, but it's best to not read the diaries of the pioneers. That's the kind of thing ex-Mormons do. Primary source materials are the Devil's playground.

Sisters, if you have two earrings in one ear, repent. It was that kind of disobedience that led to the Great Apostasy.

If chicks in the singles ward aren't willing to put on lipstick like Elder Ballard told them to, they shouldn't be surprised when they can't find a date.

I'm not trying to call ex-Mormons pigs, but...Basically, eternal truths revealed by the Church are pearls, and ex-Mormons are swine.

Brethren, for the good of your eternal soul, don't read the CES letter. It's available for free now at https://cesletter.org And don't let your wives or children read the CES letter. Protect the fragile testimonies of your little ones. Censor it.

I don't know what I like more: hunting, or watching liberals cry when they get excommunicated.

Here's a little advice for young men who might like to be church leaders someday: Get a truck. You know it's true. If you settle for a car, you probably won't even make it into the bishopric.

God appearing to the Nephites proves that God loves ALL people, not just the people in Jerusalem. That's what the Book of Mormon teaches: If God loves you, he'll appear to you.

Catholics lost the priesthood because their leaders were so wicked. That's why the Apostasy happened. Everyone knows the priesthood can't be passed on by wicked people. I'm thankful that 100% of the times that LDS people passed on the priesthood, they were righteous.

The Earth is 6,000 years old. Doctrine and Covenants 77:7 says so. End of debate. Why didn't the Second Coming happen in the year 2000? I don't know. Stop speculating!

OMgoodness, my patriarcharcal blessing is so inspired! I hope I'm not TMI-ing, but it says that if im righteous, then i'll go on a mission and get sealed in the temple and serve in lots of callings! How could the patriarch have known that excpet thru REVELATION?!

If you're not reading the Book of Mormon DAILY, then you suck. You suck so bad. Why don't you... you know... stop sucking.

[Hagoth]

I finally read the second batch. These teeter right on the uncanny balancing point between sincere and sarcastic. I don't know how you get your head into that zone. I'm guessing cannabis?

[misterfake371]

December 30th Update! I thought of some more funny tweets! Here they are!!!

We're studying the Doctrine and Covenants in 2021 and I'm so excited! My favorite scripture from there is probably section 132, verse 54, where God says he'll kill Emma Smith if she doesn't stop complaining about Joseph having sex with a lot of other women.

I know Catholics, Baptists, etc. sometimes think we "Mormons" r weird, but we actually have a lot in common. They pray. We pray. They sing hymns. We sing hymns. They wear underwear. We wear underwear. But ours have masonic symbols sewn into them.

Hey murderers, if you're gonna murder someone, do it to a kid under the age of 8. That way, they'll go to the celestial kingdom for sure.

Non-Member "Christians" actually CELEBRATE the killing of Jesus! If your son was murdered by a man with a machine gun, would you hang a little machine gun around your neck?! Crosses = bad!

come on guys. we all know that when joseph smith secretly married teenage girls, the girls kinda liked it

New Sections of the D&C just keep getting discovered!
1. Yeah, verily, thus saith the voice of him who is your king, Joseph Smith has a stone, and it is a true stone, a stone which maketh Joseph powerful in finding ancient treasures inasmuch as he is faithful.
2. And surely he has the stone, and wo be unto him who saith Joseph has not the stone.
3. For again I say unto thee that the stone is a true stone, yeah, it is verily a true stone, and the true stone shall not be shown unto the seed of those with unbelieving hearts.
4. For if the children of men have unbelieving hearts then the stone will be taken from away from their midst, and Joseph shall not be guided anymore to treasures, even ancient treasures, even ancient treasures which fill the heart with that which is precious in the land which the Lamb giveth thee. For surely the Lamb hath given thee the land that floweth with milk and honey, yeah even doth it verily flow, and the flowing thereof is good. But wo be unto him who stoppeth the flowage of milk and the flowage of honey, for he shall be smitten.

REVELATION ON THE LAW OF CONSECRATION ROUGH DRAFT DISCOVERED!

1. Yeah, verily verily, yeah, even verily verily verily, I say unto you, my servants, yeah, verily, that the time speedily cometh in which the many wonders will be seen by this unbelieving generation.
2. And if they do not speedily repent I shall smite them. Yeah, I will smite them with words of my everlasting mouth, which striketh fear into the hearts of the children of men, yeah fear and dread and also their teeth will get gnashed.
3. Give all your money to Joseph Smith.

Contrary to what you might hear on the Internet, "Mormons" DO believe in the Bible. We just don't believe in the parts that are mistranslated. How much of the Bible has been mistranslated? I don't know. Maybe all of it.

For free salvation, CLICK HERE! JK! LOL! Salvation isn’t free! If you want salvation, you gotta go to the temple. (And a temple recommend costs 10% of your income.)

[2bizE]

Sorry, I don’t get the intent of all of this. Looks like an unnecessary time suck.