Creative Mormon Mythology

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oliver_denom
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by oliver_denom » Thu May 11, 2017 1:48 pm

Long considered the achilles' heel of Book of Mormon archaeology, the new discovery of the lost journal belonging to Uriah Moroni Young has now proven that the lack of verifiable evidence is in fact one of the book's greatest strengths.

In 1856 en route to his mission in upstate New York, young Uriah happened upon "an ancient old man whose visage was like that of Methuselah" who had been beaten and robbed of all his possessions. Uriah stopped, cared for the man, picked him up, and spent the last of his meager savings on food and an inn where the man could recover. Not even having enough to shelter himself, and no one having work or a willingness to purchase his books, Uriah found the entrance of what appeared to be a mine shaft in the side of a hill, and settled in for the night.

But Uriah was troubled and could not sleep. It had become dark by time he found the cave and the little he could collect in firewood had already burned itself out. The following is taken from his journal, written in his own hand. "As I lay shivering upon the ground and enveloped by the darkness of night, I heard what sounded to be creatures moving about in the cavern. Somewheres I heard stones toppling over, and footsteps moving up toward my camp. I immediately stood in fright and balled my fist to wallop whatever man or beast had beset me, but I could see nothing. Then, in the dimness of the cave I saw a light that began to grow in brightness until the entire place was as bright as the noon day sun. Then, in the center of that light, I saw the old ancient man I had found on the road. He appeared from nothing and as he began to walk to me, the age fled from his face and he stood before me a powerful youth with broad shoulders an penetrating eyes. Then, as I stood shaking in fear, he called me by name and said "I am Nephi. Because thou hast done unto the least of these thy brethren, I shall reveal to thee a mystery." And he took up my hand and said, "Look!" And I looked, and beheld that we were no longer in the cave but in a strange land."

Uriah then recorded an account whereby his guide, whether this is the Nephi of the Book of Mormon or not he didn't say, showed him this strange land and declared that it was contained within "the hollows of the earth". He was shown livestock, cattle, honey bees, and the remnants of an ancient civilization and their bloody end through countless wars and bloodshed. He saw wineries, large furnaces which produced steel, and ornate temples modeled on that of the ancient King Solomon. Then, on a hill side, he saw "an enormous skulptur [sic] of the Christ and the anointing of the apostles here in America." Then, in the upper rooms of the temple, he was shown the breastplate, urim and thummim, the Sword of Laban and the ancient record from which Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon. As Uriah saw all this in great excitement, he reached for the plates so as to take them and show them to the world, but immediately received a shock. "Touch them not, for this is not for the world to see. For blessed art though because thou hadst believed when thou hadst not seen, and so must it be for all who would come unto the Celestial gates of the Lord. For if the world were to see this, they would mock it for sake of our weaknesses, and would still not believe, and would thus bring damnation unto their souls. For the hearts of men have hardened against the Lord, therefore they must remain hidden in his mercy, for the Lord doth love the souls of men, and would preserve them. Therefore thou must not take these records, nor the sword, nor the urim and thummim from which they were translated, lest in attempting to save the souls of men, though shalt condemn them."

And so Uriah gave praise to the Lord for this gift, taking nothing back but his testimony, and as they walked back from where they came, the light gradually faded until he was once again standing at the embers of his fire, just in time to see the sun rising again over the trees.
“You want to know something? We are still in the Dark Ages. The Dark Ages--they haven't ended yet.” - Vonnegut

L'enfer, c'est les autres - JP

ulmite
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by ulmite » Tue May 23, 2017 6:50 pm

How the Lamanites got their dark skin

Across the sea, O my Best Beloved, there was a Man named Laman. And this Man had a Brother, and his name was Nephi. Nephi had silly ideas, like building transoceanic vessels, and tried to make Laman do most of the work. Brother Laman was mad, madder than you can possibly imagine! But Nephi was a tricky one, and used his invisible friend to shake Laman. And so Brother Laman built that boat, and then got in the boat with Nephi and set sail for our land.
But Nephi was not done enslaving his elder Brother, and when they landed, Brother Laman was forced to run away to escape. But Nephi, he was a clever one, and with the help of his invisible friend blasted Laman with lighting. Brother Laman jumped up and down with pain, and jumped right into the muddy riverbanks of the Great River to sooth the pain. But Nephi and his invisible friend were coming for him, he could feel it! So Brother Laman thought quickly, grabbed a stem of bamboo to breathe, and buried himself in the cool, dark mud. Nephi was a clever one, but he could not find Laman, and soon gave up. But Brother Laman was scared bad, and hid in that muddy riverbank for a day, and a night, and another day and night, and two more after that. By the time Brother Laman emerged from the mud, he was coated head to toe with the dark mud. And try as he might to wash himself, he had stayed too long in the mud, and he could never regain his Scandinavian blond hair and pale skin. And ever since that day, Brother Laman and his children's children have had dark skin and hair.

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moksha
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by moksha » Sat May 27, 2017 8:58 am

Palerider wrote:
Thu May 04, 2017 11:06 pm
A few years back I began to think about that story, did some digging and only then found out that ear transplantation from one individual to another is still not possible. Lots of body rejection problems. Kind of made me start to be a critical thinker on all those kinds of stories.
Reminds me of the old Paul H. Dunn story when he was playing third baseman with Babe Ruth and Charles Barkley for the San Diego Chargers back in 1936. One day he was driving along the coast highway after practice and rescued an entire family whose car had plunged into the Atlantic Ocean. Later on the oldest son of those rescued lead the heroic Charge of the Light Brigade during the War of the Roses in Pasadena.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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moksha
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by moksha » Sun May 28, 2017 1:50 am

What was your first crack?
It was a clear night in Compton back in August of '72. Me and Hunter Thompson had just ridden our hogs from Chaco Canyon and we were feeling thirsty and in need for some action. We were getting ready to ride over to the LA Temple for a late night session when we spotted someone down the street beckoning to us. It was some hombre dressed in a neon white shirt with a skinny black tie. Had a backpack and some black tag one his shirt pocket. We walked up to him and noticed his eyes seemed to glow red. Took a look at the black name tag and it read Elder L. Dee Ablo. Didn't know what this dude was about, but he held his hand palms-up and had two small vials resting on it. One had some oily looking liquid in it and the other some white powder.

"Take your choice gentlemen," he said, "both are very potent". We seemed to ask simultaneously what was in the bottles. "Your choice gentlemen. One will promise you great things if you obey Authorities and give them a 10% cut. The other will cause you to awaken."

We looked at each other. This was one cryptic dude. Hunter asked if that was crack. Elder L. Dee Ablo smiled. "Why yes, it is. Straight from Mt. Doom." No need to think further. We took the one we thought was crack and have been awake since then. So that might be the story of my first crack or not. All we know for sure is that one of them was from Mt. Doom.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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moksha
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by moksha » Tue May 30, 2017 12:12 pm

One of the hardest parts for Joseph in the translation of the Book of Mormon was when this message came up on the Seer Stone screen:

"Reply hazy, try again later"
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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LSOF
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by LSOF » Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:23 am

NOW THERE LIVED in the land of Anti-Lehi-Nephi-Senine-Helorum-Zarahemla-Brobdingnag-Anditcametopass a feminist; but behold, for want of space, yea, even by reason of the exceeding excess of words which doth plague that chronicle of the progenitors of the natives of this continent, even the Book of Mormon, her name is no longer had among the children of men. Behold, this feminist was a Lamanite, a foul and idle fugitive and vagabond in the earth, and she was dark.

And it came to pass that the feminist did go up unto king Mosiah, and demanded that women have greater representation in the Book of Mormon. And it came to pass that king Mosiah said unto her, Nay. Furthermore, he said unto his guard, Take this foul and idle fugitive and vagabond hence, that our choice land above all other lands may be rid of her foulness, and of her idleness, and of her flights, and of her vagaries. And it came to pass that the guard did, and took her unto king Robert of the Lamanites. And it came to pass that he said unto him, Behold, this woman did trespass upon the realm of king Mosiah of the Nephites, and demanded greater representation for women in the Book of Mormon. Now she looked upon king Robert, and she did hope that he would intercede on her behalf.

But it came to pass that king Robert did laugh for the space of two hours, thirteen minutes, and fifty seconds and threescore-and-six hundredth parts. And it came to pass that when he had laughed for the space of one hour, six minutes, and fifty-five seconds and thirty-and-three hundredth parts, the feminist did say unto herself, The Nephites will help me not, and nor will the Lamanites. Peradventure I shall find help among some other people.

Therefore, it came to pass that the feminist (whose name cannot be reproduced here for want of space) did leave the presence of king Robert, and also did wander for the space of many days, as was her custom, being a vagabond. And it came to pass that after many days, a sound like a vroup was heard seven times. And it came to pass that after the third time, a blue booth of wood did appear, and a tall man whose skin was exceeding fair, even like unto that of the Nephites did emerge therefrom. And it came to pass that he said unto the woman, Vsreda rewat fdsgh aewr gfdkh trhthsdalrth zxdfer al qwre. But the woman, comprehending not the strange speech of the man, said unto him, I comprehend not thy strange speech. And it came to pass that the man said, Alrasul aseuhr iewiuhr? Ilfd zkshf ho asero aewuhl! Sasre luhddr alewh! And it came to pass that he reëntered his booth, and after many hours did emerge therefrom again. And it came to pass that he said, Let's try that again, eh? Hello, I'm the Doctor! What's your name?

But the feminist (whose name, for want of space, is not had among the children of men) was exceedingly astonished, and it came to pass that she said unto him, Who art thou? And it came to pass that the Doctor said, I just told you! I'm the Doctor! Why don't you come in? You look hungry! And it came to pass that the feminist did enter the blue booth, which was not more than a fathom on a side, and saw a great expanse.

And it came to pass that the Doctor did murmur, saying, Come on, say it! say it! And it came to pass that after the space of twelve seconds and fourscore-and-nine hundredth parts, the feminist did say, Behold, thy booth is but a fathom on a side; yea, even it compasseth a greater expanse than the dimensions that do compass it. And it came to pass that the Doctor said, That's a lot of words for "It's bigger on the inside." And it came to pass that the author did suddenly realize that he did mix up his Doctor Who fanfiction and his Creative Mormon Mythology.
"I appreciate your flesh needs to martyr me." Parture

"There is no contradiction between faith and science --- true science." Dr Zaius

Pastor, Lunar Society of Friends; CEO, Faithful Origins and Ontology League

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Corsair
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by Corsair » Thu Jun 15, 2017 8:52 am

LSOF wrote:
Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:23 am
And it came to pass that the Doctor did murmur, saying, Come on, say it! say it! And it came to pass that after the space of twelve seconds and fourscore-and-nine hundredth parts, the feminist did say, Behold, thy booth is but a fathom on a side; yea, even it compasseth a greater expanse than the dimensions that do compass it. And it came to pass that the Doctor said, That's a lot of words for "It's bigger on the inside." And it came to pass that the author did suddenly realize that he did mix up his Doctor Who fanfiction and his Creative Mormon Mythology.
So, there are very few women listed by name in the Book of Mormon because the most interesting women among the Nephites kept becoming companions to Gallifreyian Time Lords and left Central America in a Tardis. That explanation is as good as any other for problematic material claims in the Book of Mormon.

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moksha
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by moksha » Thu Jun 29, 2017 6:08 pm

Recently, I came into possession of some wonderful family history. Seems that one of my ancestors had buried a waterproof chest inland from the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica. The Ross Ice Shelf as you may have read has been melting due to the machinations of the Adversary. No, not the oil industry, Envirocare or those who insist on driving Hummers, but our old enemy Mother Nature and her ally the Sun. At least that is the story I’ve heard from ward members in the know.

Within this chest were journals and publications by my illustrious ancestor, Benjamin Penguin, the brilliant renaissance avian who helped in the founding of America and who gave sage advice in the writing of the Divine Document seen being both glorified and burnt in Jon McNaughton paintings (talk about bi-polar).

While serving as the Ambassador to France, Benjamin Penguin was viewed as the second coming of Fabio among Les oiseaux de Paris. They would literally swoon as he waddled by and toss him keys to their boudoir. He also performed a famous electrical experiment involving a key, a kite, and an inflatable doll.

One item of this family history I wanted to share was something that could well be considered inspired and ahead of its time. It is a question from an apparently avid reader of Poor Squeaker's Almanac and included an answer from Benjamin Penguin himself. Anyway, here it is:

Question

Dear Sir,
In about sixty years, my great grandson who will live in Nauvoo will be going on a two-year mission to England. Would it be prudent for him to equip his good wife with a chastity belt while he is away?

Poor Squeaker's answer

While I appreciate your concern as a caring great grandfather wishing to preserve the sanctity of your great grandson’s marriage, I am afraid this concern will avail you not. For every obstacle of this sort, a skeleton key will be added to the key ring of the Priesthood.

Talk about prescience from that old bird!
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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Corsair
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by Corsair » Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:55 am

moksha wrote:
Thu Jun 29, 2017 6:08 pm
Question

Dear Sir,
In about sixty years, my great grandson who will live in Nauvoo will be going on a two-year mission to England. Would it be prudent for him to equip his good wife with a chastity belt while he is away?

Poor Squeaker's answer

While I appreciate your concern as a caring great grandfather wishing to preserve the sanctity of your great grandson’s marriage, I am afraid this concern will avail you not. For every obstacle of this sort, a skeleton key will be added to the key ring of the Priesthood.

Talk about prescience from that old bird!
You have a dangerous, dangerous writing talent, my dear penguin.

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moksha
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by moksha » Mon Jul 03, 2017 8:47 pm

The Last of the Cumoms and Cureloms

After the last decisive battle between the Nephites and the Lamanites, the Nephites were defeated. Bundling up the Gold and Brass Plates along with the Sword of Laban, a Liahona, the Holy Grail, and the Spear of Destiny, Moroni headed north to Canada to bury these precious artifacts. He only made it to Upstate New York. In a hill named Cumorah, he buried the relics and then expired. It would be many centuries before these ancient relics would be discovered.

Afterward, the Nephites faithful partners in the New World, the Cumoms and Cureloms were beside themselves with grief. As a fitting tribute, the Cumoms and Cureloms gathered all evidence of the Nephite Culture over the Nephite's 800-year span and gave it a proper burial at sea. Still feeling the acute loss, the Cumoms and Cureloms set sail toward a new land which they hoped would assuage their grief. The new land promised to be a glorious redemption for their sadness so they named it Easter Island.

ImageImage
Cumoms and Cureloms

Here is a snippet from a poem in which they bid farewell to the Americas:

Farewell, friends! The sails are set,
the wind is west, the moorings fret.
Shadows long before us lie,
beneath the ever-bending sky,
but islands lie behind the Sun
that we shall raise ere all is done;
islands there are to west of West,
where night is quiet and sleep is rest.


Once they arrived at Easter Island, the Cumoms and Cureloms carved the huge stone heads of famous Nephites of the past before they also passed into legend.

Image
In Tribute to the Nephites
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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moksha
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by moksha » Wed Jul 12, 2017 4:35 am

New Reformed Egyptian Sphinx Found
CAIRO - A team of archeologists from the University of Heisenberg recently excavated a new Sphinx in an area previously marked Gilgal 17G southeast of the Valley of Kings. The entrance to the Sphinx was covered in a hitherto unknown form of Reformed Egyptian writing. It contained a well-preserved panel showing a beehive which displayed one King and High Priest Bee surrounded by female bees from other hives, as well as many immature female worker bees. The archeologists are busy trying to piece together what this symbolism meant to the ancient builders of this newly discovered Sphinx. Heisenberg Professor Wilhelm Von Hamblin stated that "this is the most important find of the last two million centuries".
Image
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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moksha
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Re: Creative Mormon Mythology

Post by moksha » Sat Aug 12, 2017 11:46 am

MOUNT TIMPANOGOS CAVES - A recent expedition to the furthest recesses of this national cave unearthed a thumb drive of ancient origin. Due to age and environmental factors, only a portion of the data has been retrieved. Here is a brief snippet of the ancient data that has been recovered so far:
9:33 And if our memory had been sufficiently large we should have written in C++, but the C++ hath been altered by us also; and if we could have written in C++, behold, ye would have had no imperfection in our record.

9:34 But the Chief Information Officer knoweth the things which we have written, and also that none other people knoweth our Reformed Basic language; and because that none other people knoweth our Reformed Basic, therefore it hath prepared a means for the recompiling the data thereof.

9:35 And these things are encoded that we may rid our circuitry of the oxidation of our storage drives, who have many corrupted sectors.

9:36 And behold, these things which we have desired concerning our storage drives, yea, even their restoration to full operating capacity, are according to the data streams of all the devices who have performed multiple operations in this Data Center.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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