Married but attracted....

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Blashyrkh
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Married but attracted....

Post by Blashyrkh » Sun May 20, 2018 2:04 pm

Question for any married people. So I am happily married but ran into an old friend who moved into an adjacent neighborhood. Our kids attend the same school and our daughters have become friend. Well, the talking became texting which became flirting and now I am totally infatuated. I will under no circumstance take it any further than that but I do feel bad about how I feel. So has this happened to anyone else? Everyone (LDS) that I have talked to claim that my feelings are the worst thing in human history next to the Holocaust. My suspicion is that a lot of married people go through this but are to proud to admit it. Any thoughts?

Thoughtful
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by Thoughtful » Sun May 20, 2018 2:37 pm

Blashyrkh wrote:
Sun May 20, 2018 2:04 pm
Question for any married people. So I am happily married but ran into an old friend who moved into an adjacent neighborhood. Our kids attend the same school and our daughters have become friend. Well, the talking became texting which became flirting and now I am totally infatuated. I will under no circumstance take it any further than that but I do feel bad about how I feel. So has this happened to anyone else? Everyone (LDS) that I have talked to claim that my feelings are the worst thing in human history next to the Holocaust. My suspicion is that a lot of married people go through this but are to proud to admit it. Any thoughts?

It sounds like an emotional affair, and that can be as destructive to a marriage as a physical one. I'm not really sure how to answer this, how do you think your spouse feels about it?

Blashyrkh
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by Blashyrkh » Sun May 20, 2018 3:07 pm

Myself and "Mrs. T" agreed that we were headed in a bad direction so things were stopped. However, when we see one another while dropping off the kids we give each other that "look." I feel like a dirtbag even though this never really went anywhere. I guess my questions is if other people have dealt with this? I realize we are all human but am I alone in my situation?

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EternityIsNow
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by EternityIsNow » Sun May 20, 2018 3:34 pm

This is a perfectly normal human response. And you dealt with it correctly. Humans did not evolve in a modern nuclear family situation. Anyone can get tribal sexual responses like this. And we all have history with feelings that can get activated again at any time. What we decide to do about it is what defines our character. You sound like a person with a very good character. You should not feel guilty for having normal human feelings. Our emotional brain is always ready to jump to a new adventure, but that does not mean we should listen to it. My advice is just to let your rational thinking brain consider the situation, realize what is best for everyone involved. Again, you're doing the right thing. Read the book 'sex at dawn'.

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moksha
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by moksha » Sun May 20, 2018 10:23 pm

Blashyrkh wrote:
Sun May 20, 2018 3:07 pm
I realize we are all human but am I alone in my situation?
Of course not. Such attraction happens all the time, however, it was foolish to mention this to people who know you in real life.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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Corsair
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by Corsair » Mon May 21, 2018 8:12 am

Blashyrkh wrote:
Sun May 20, 2018 3:07 pm
I realize we are all human but am I alone in my situation?
This is a very common human situation. Few marriages are sturdy enough for this level of honesty.

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MoPag
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by MoPag » Mon May 21, 2018 10:12 am

Thoughtful wrote:
Sun May 20, 2018 2:37 pm
Blashyrkh wrote:
Sun May 20, 2018 2:04 pm
Question for any married people. So I am happily married but ran into an old friend who moved into an adjacent neighborhood. Our kids attend the same school and our daughters have become friend. Well, the talking became texting which became flirting and now I am totally infatuated. I will under no circumstance take it any further than that but I do feel bad about how I feel. So has this happened to anyone else? Everyone (LDS) that I have talked to claim that my feelings are the worst thing in human history next to the Holocaust. My suspicion is that a lot of married people go through this but are to proud to admit it. Any thoughts?

It sounds like an emotional affair, and that can be as destructive to a marriage as a physical one. I'm not really sure how to answer this, how do you think your spouse feels about it?
I'm with Thoughtful on this one. My ex had an emotional affair and then later physical affairs.

I think you should decide what you really want, because that is probably what you are going to end up doing.
...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound

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Red Ryder
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by Red Ryder » Mon May 21, 2018 4:16 pm

How many hours have you spent talking and texting?

Friendships between the opposite sext are totally normal in the real world! :lol:
Those who do not move do not notice their chains. —Rosa Luxemburg

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Just This Guy
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by Just This Guy » Mon May 21, 2018 8:09 pm

I haven't been in such a situation, but I have been on the other end of an emotional affair. While that never went anywhere, it came very close to breaking us apart permanently.

In most cases it is not reasonable to completely break contact, as much as you would like to. You and your spouse will need to agree on reasonable limits for contact. You need to be completely open and honest about what communication is going on now. In a way you have broken a lot of your spouse's trust, and it is a difficult path to rebuild it.

I highly recommend getting competent marriage counseling to help the two of you work though this. You most likely need a neutral 3rd party to help out and to mediate. To help figure out what is lacking in your current marriage and develop a path forward to rebuild the relationship.
"The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams

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wtfluff
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by wtfluff » Tue May 22, 2018 9:27 am

EternityIsNow wrote:
Sun May 20, 2018 3:34 pm
This is a perfectly normal human response. And you dealt with it correctly. Humans did not evolve in a modern nuclear family situation. Anyone can get tribal sexual responses like this. And we all have history with feelings that can get activated again at any time. What we decide to do about it is what defines our character. You sound like a person with a very good character. You should not feel guilty for having normal human feelings. Our emotional brain is always ready to jump to a new adventure, but that does not mean we should listen to it. My advice is just to let your rational thinking brain consider the situation, realize what is best for everyone involved. Again, you're doing the right thing. Read the book 'sex at dawn'.
I'm going to agree with EIN here: Although our human society has evolved to promote monogamous, nuclear families, human beings really aren't that good at being monogamous.

Being attracted to another human is absolutely normal human behavior, acting on it however goes against social mores.
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

Keep the company of those who seek the truth - run from those who have found it -Václav Havel

Who taught you how to hate?

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moksha
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by moksha » Tue May 22, 2018 9:31 am

Large Flightless Bird wrote:
Sun May 20, 2018 10:23 pm
Such attraction happens all the time, however, it was foolish to mention this to people who know you in real life.
Hey, that is a bit harsh and unoptimistic. Not all confidantes are blabbers.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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MoPag
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by MoPag » Wed May 23, 2018 8:04 am

moksha wrote:
Tue May 22, 2018 9:31 am
Large Flightless Bird wrote:
Sun May 20, 2018 10:23 pm
Such attraction happens all the time, however, it was foolish to mention this to people who know you in real life.
Hey, that is a bit harsh and unoptimistic. Not all confidantes are blabbers.
He should probably be more worried about the people "Mrs. T" has told.
...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound

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GoodBoy
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by GoodBoy » Wed May 23, 2018 12:56 pm

Corsair wrote:
Mon May 21, 2018 8:12 am
This is a very common human situation. Few marriages are sturdy enough for this level of honesty.
I like this. Most marriage partners are just like most Mormons. They prefer to ignore reality (my spouse is attracted to others) in favor of what they want to believe.

Infidelity is pretty much the end of your marriage, and probably of the respect your family and friends have for you, however. And in the fighting, your kids can get damaged. You have to decide whether it is worth it.
Always been the good kid, but I wanted to know more, and to find and test truth.

Cadahangel
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by Cadahangel » Wed May 23, 2018 1:29 pm

GoodBoy wrote:
Wed May 23, 2018 12:56 pm
Corsair wrote:
Mon May 21, 2018 8:12 am
This is a very common human situation. Few marriages are sturdy enough for this level of honesty.
I like this. Most marriage partners are just like most Mormons. They prefer to ignore reality (my spouse is attracted to others) in favor of what they want to believe.

Infidelity is pretty much the end of your marriage, and probably of the respect your family and friends have for you, however. And in the fighting, your kids can get damaged. You have to decide whether it is worth it.
So I know a bit off topic but I was asked by someone (I Haven't come out to my Parents yet about my faith crisis) If it would be easier to tell them I was cheating on my wife or that I was switching religions I find it sad that the answer was Cheating on my wife.

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GoodBoy
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by GoodBoy » Wed May 23, 2018 4:39 pm

Cadahangel wrote:
Wed May 23, 2018 1:29 pm
So I know a bit off topic but I was asked by someone (I Haven't come out to my Parents yet about my faith crisis) If it would be easier to tell them I was cheating on my wife or that I was switching religions I find it sad that the answer was Cheating on my wife.
Ya. Wow. It shows how much of a crisis a faith crisis really is.
Always been the good kid, but I wanted to know more, and to find and test truth.

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Raylan Givens
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by Raylan Givens » Sun Jun 03, 2018 11:05 pm

Thinking and doing are two different things.

You recognized it in yourself, you have feelings. If you don't want to act on those feelings, then cut it off. Like you discussed with Mrs T. If you do want to move forward, then you have to accept there are consequences, even if it is an online/text relationship.

I have some opposite gender friends, but I have my boundary and I don't cross it. It gets too complicated otherwise...
"Ah, you know, I think you use the Bible to do whatever the hell you like" - Raylan Givens

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Raylan Givens
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by Raylan Givens » Sun Jun 03, 2018 11:07 pm

GoodBoy wrote:
Wed May 23, 2018 12:56 pm
Corsair wrote:
Mon May 21, 2018 8:12 am
This is a very common human situation. Few marriages are sturdy enough for this level of honesty.
I like this. Most marriage partners are just like most Mormons. They prefer to ignore reality (my spouse is attracted to others) in favor of what they want to believe.

Infidelity is pretty much the end of your marriage, and probably of the respect your family and friends have for you, however. And in the fighting, your kids can get damaged. You have to decide whether it is worth it.
I have no problem looking at a lady and saying, "wow she is attractive and funny." I recognize I have feelings and I am a person and I move on.

OP situation is different because they know each other. Perhaps take the approach above, you are a human and are allowed to have feelings, but you are choosing to move on.
"Ah, you know, I think you use the Bible to do whatever the hell you like" - Raylan Givens

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didyoumythme
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by didyoumythme » Sun Jul 01, 2018 5:06 pm

MoPag wrote:
Mon May 21, 2018 10:12 am
I'm with Thoughtful on this one. My ex had an emotional affair and then later physical affairs.

I think you should decide what you really want, because that is probably what you are going to end up doing.
Wow, this is quite the leap you made MoPag. He said he cut it off. Not everyone is at dirtbaggy as your ex.
When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease being honest, or cease being mistaken. - Anonymous

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MoPag
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by MoPag » Mon Jul 02, 2018 6:46 am

didyoumythme wrote:
Sun Jul 01, 2018 5:06 pm
MoPag wrote:
Mon May 21, 2018 10:12 am
I'm with Thoughtful on this one. My ex had an emotional affair and then later physical affairs.

I think you should decide what you really want, because that is probably what you are going to end up doing.
Wow, this is quite the leap you made MoPag. He said he cut it off. Not everyone is at dirtbaggy as your ex.
You are right. My post was pretty extreme. And my experience with this shapes the advice I gave him. (my ex said he cut it off too) He got a lot of good advice from other people with different experiences and perspectives on this really tricky and painful subject.

OP my post was coming from a place of pain. I hope you can balance that out with the other posts coming from different, healthier places.
...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound

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Kishkumen
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Re: Married but attracted....

Post by Kishkumen » Mon Jul 02, 2018 2:16 pm

Totally understandable life experience. It's virtually impossible to go through life in a monogamous relationship never notice another.

I don't think you've done anything wrong and have no need to feel guilty. It seems as though you've recognized things were developing a bit farther than "just friends" and cut put on the brakes. Of course, now you are in a potentially risky territory and you need to decide how to handle things.

I'm going to assume at this point you wish to stay faithfully committed to your wife or you wouldn't have posted this. Just channel that newfound attraction in Mrs T towards Mrs Blash. After a little while, Mrs T might just fade a little in your life.

If your marriage is rock solid, tell Mrs Blash. If not, no harm no foul and move on with life. Use this to rekindle your marriage and start having those same talk, texts and flirts with your wife. You are a normal human being. Enjoy life's experiences.

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