St. Peter/Pearly Gates Jokes

[achilles]

Maybe we can start a thread.

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven."

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Lawyers." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans."

"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now piss off".

[Just This Guy]

Saw this one on Linkedin:

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”

“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.

As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.

They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.

Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”

The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”

[wtfluff]

A certain someone shows up at the Pearly Gates, and St. Joseph Jr., oops, I mean St. Peter says: Well, you haven't been perfect, so you'll have to endure a bit of punishment before your reward. There are three different options to choose from, follow me.

At the "first" option, there was a large group of people in a room, all standing on their heads on a nicely carpeted, padded floor.

The next option was similar, but the group of people were standing on their heads on hard-wood floors.

In the last punishment room, there was a group of people, all standing around, conversing, drinking coffee;l but the floor was covered ankle-deep in fresh cow manure.

St. Peter then asks the certain someone to choose their punishment, and they decide room number three isn't great, but less painful than the other two.

A few minutes after entering the cow manure room, being handed a cup of delicious coffee, and getting acquainted with a few of the others, St. Porter enters the room and says: "OK folks, coffee break is over, everyone back to standing on your heads."


(Names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

[achilles]

I remember the "coffee break's over" joke from childhood. But in my version, the three rooms were thumbtacks, hot burners, and manure. And they were up to their necks in it...

[achilles]

Three men die and go to the gates of heaven, waiting in line to talk with St. Peter.

St. Pete says to the first "So you want into heaven, now? I don't think so. You loved booze so much that you married a woman named 'Brandy'"

The next man steps up and says "I'd like to go into heaven now." St. Peter looks him up and down, and says "Request denied. You loved money so much that you married a woman named 'Penny'"

The third man turns to his wife and says "Come on, Fanny, we're not getting in here."

***

Or maybe the third man (aptly named "Joseph") turns to Fanny Alger and says "Come on, Fanny, we're not getting in here.'"

[wtfluff]

I remember the "coffee break's over" joke from childhood. But in my version, the three rooms were thumbtacks, hot burners, and manure. And they were up to their necks in it...

Yeah, I don't remember the exact scenarios the first, second, or hundredth time I heard it, so I "carefully worded" the version here.

I mean... St. Porter (Rockwell) the "enforcer?"

[Reuben]

A Catholic arrives at the pearly gates. "To get to your heaven," says St. Peter, "head down that hall to door 31. Give my regards to the popes, and please sneak past door 12." Happy to have made it in, Catholic sets off.

Then a Zoroastrian shows up. "Your heaven," says St. Peter, "is down that hall, door 143. Say wassup to Zoroaster for me, and please sneak past door 12." Elated, the Zoroastrian heads down the hall.

An atheist arrives. "Surprised?" says St. Peter. "Not too much? Well, your heaven is behind door 13. I think Von Neumann and Lovecraft are throwing a party today. Please sneak past door 12."

The atheist says, "I can understand every belief system getting its own heaven, but why do I have to be quiet around door 12?"

"That's the paradise of Jehovah's Witnesses. They think they're the only ones here."

[alas]

A Catholic arrives at the pearly gates. "To get to your heaven," says St. Peter, "head down that hall to door 31. Give my regards to the popes, and please sneak past door 12." Happy to have made it in, Catholic sets off.

Then a Zoroastrian shows up. "Your heaven," says St. Peter, "is down that hall, door 143. Say wassup to Zoroaster for me, and please sneak past door 12." Elated, the Zoroastrian heads down the hall.

An atheist arrives. "Surprised?" says St. Peter. "Not too much? Well, your heaven is behind door 13. I think Von Neumann and Lovecraft are throwing a party today. Please sneak past door 12."

The atheist says, "I can understand every belief system getting its own heaven, but why do I have to be quiet around door 12?"

"That's the paradise of Jehovah's Witnesses. They think they're the only ones here."

Now, I heard that joke, only it was Mormons in room 12.

[Random]

Subbing, and hoping for more jokes.