Bad movie night: Twisted Pair

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Reuben
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Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2017 3:01 pm

Bad movie night: Twisted Pair

Post by Reuben » Sat Feb 13, 2021 6:14 pm

A famous dumpster fire named Twisted Pair has found its way onto Amazon Prime. Be warned that you can't just rent it. You have to own it. (At least in the UK.)

IMDB summary: Identical twin brothers become hybrid A.I (artificial intelligence) entities, yet torn in different directions to achieve justice for humanity.

IMDB score: A VERY ironically awarded 5.8/10. This is surely a 2.

Trailer: https://youtube.com/watch?v=S2BfsbZOuTI

If you've heard of Neil Breen and have always wanted to see his work, this is your chance. It's one of his only movies where your eyes won't be assaulted by the unwanted flash of some wrinkly Neil Breen body part.

Now, this would just be some dude's vanity project that was filmed at a local community college and went nowhere, except that the dude who made it 1) wanted to say something very profound about human nature, and 2) did not understand writing, acting, editing, or cinematography - or even humans, despite ostensibly being one.

Exhibit A. The protagonist bumps into a woman on the street, accosts her, asks her to meet him there again at 8 while she calls him a creep, shows up at 8, and is disappointed that she's not there. So he follows her home and breaks in. She struggles. She breaks a painting over his head. Broken glass sounds play, but no broken glass is in sight. He pins her. It looks like it's going to be a rape scene. And then... she softens? I love you so much, etc. So I guess this is a kink? Involving invisible broken glass?

Exhibit B. You have never seen such looooong dissolves in your life, I guarantee it.

Exhibit C. This movie is the poster child for "We'll fix it in post." Half the time it never happens. Three corporate crooks are chained up in an abandoned building. Evil twin (complete with a beard of +5 evilness) is torturing them for Dramatic Reasons. He non-fatally shoots them each, again. We see an obviously edited-in muzzle flash, but their white shirts don't so much as develop a red tint.

Exhibit D. Let's do most of this green-screen, Breen probably said, because it's cheaper and this is the way moviemaking is trending. And I'll just sorta... cut and paste us into the right-ish spots. Yeah, lighting looks fine-ish. Nobody will notice. And I'll insert myself into some stock footage with much better production values. It won't be jarring. Yeah, it totally looks like the soldiers are following my orders. Cool.

Exhibit E. Unnamed Detective is surveying a murder scene and mutters something about it being perfectly clean. But wait! "Now what do I see here?" he says, like a Saturday-morning cartoon.

Weirdly, even with its general incoherence, I managed to follow the plot to 2/3 of the way through. But then I think incoherence started infecting more than just unnecessary details. By the end it was an unintelligible mess, the movie equivalent of a toddler pretending to read Shakespeare while throwing cake at the wall. If boredom hadn't set in at the final 1/3, this would be on my list if all-time greats with Yoga Hosers and Troll 2.

Quality: 1.5/10

Stimulation: 6/10
Learn to doubt the stories you tell about yourselves and your adversaries.

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