Romance

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Linked
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Romance

Post by Linked » Mon Nov 07, 2022 3:35 pm

I suck at romance. Any romantic moments in my life occur by accident. I would like to manufacture more romantic moments with my dear wife.

Not sex, but the romance when you feel when you watch the boats go by on the Rhine river at night. Or when you walk thru the streets of Himeji with the castle lit up and the full moon bright above it with an ice cream cone. Or sitting at the window eating a nice dinner as the humpback whales jump in the distance. Or pulling over and dancing next to the mountains in the moonlight.

Some failed romantic moments include:
- Snow shoeing to a yurt for a nice dinner. Failed because the dinner seating had us sitting and talking with new people.
- Long, difficult hikes. Failed because it took too much energy and focus to hike.
- Lot's of times I kill the moment with jokes or talking too much or overthinking stuff.

Any tips?

Possible Ingredients:
- Foreignness
- Unexpected/spontaneity
- Something majestic
- No one else to focus on
- Light activity so there is room to focus on each other and the moment
- The moon apparently
- A quiet mind
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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Hagoth
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Re: Romance

Post by Hagoth » Tue Nov 08, 2022 9:36 am

This is a pretty impressive list! Any way to make those happen? Or are they things that have already happened? Either way, they blow all of my romantic attempts out of the water.
...when you watch the boats go by on the Rhine river at night. Or when you walk thru the streets of Himeji with the castle lit up and the full moon bright above it with an ice cream cone. Or sitting at the window eating a nice dinner as the humpback whales jump in the distance. Or pulling over and dancing next to the mountains in the moonlight.
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

Jesus: "The Kingdom of God is within you." The Buddha: "Be your own light."

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Linked
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Re: Romance

Post by Linked » Tue Nov 08, 2022 4:44 pm

Hagoth wrote:
Tue Nov 08, 2022 9:36 am
This is a pretty impressive list! Any way to make those happen? Or are they things that have already happened? Either way, they blow all of my romantic attempts out of the water.
...when you watch the boats go by on the Rhine river at night. Or when you walk thru the streets of Himeji with the castle lit up and the full moon bright above it with an ice cream cone. Or sitting at the window eating a nice dinner as the humpback whales jump in the distance. Or pulling over and dancing next to the mountains in the moonlight.
Haha, thanks Hagoth! These happened, though none were planned for romance, they just happened. It's my top 4 list...
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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alas
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Re: Romance

Post by alas » Wed Nov 09, 2022 1:07 pm

Linked wrote:
Tue Nov 08, 2022 4:44 pm
Hagoth wrote:
Tue Nov 08, 2022 9:36 am
This is a pretty impressive list! Any way to make those happen? Or are they things that have already happened? Either way, they blow all of my romantic attempts out of the water.
...when you watch the boats go by on the Rhine river at night. Or when you walk thru the streets of Himeji with the castle lit up and the full moon bright above it with an ice cream cone. Or sitting at the window eating a nice dinner as the humpback whales jump in the distance. Or pulling over and dancing next to the mountains in the moonlight.
Haha, thanks Hagoth! These happened, though none were planned for romance, they just happened. It's my top 4 list...
That is the way most of mine happened too. It seems like when you plan for romance, it never lives up to expectations. But when you put your partner as a priority and are in the habit of giving them time and attention, they the romantic moments seems to happen spontaneously, and those are the best kind.

One of the biggest things you can do to make them happen, is to know your partners love language. If your partner’s love language is gifts, then you aren’t going to make the moments happen by having a walk in the rain. And if it is quality time, the walk in the rain might be perfect while the diamond earrings flop. So, knowing what makes your partner feel loved is mandatory for romance.

So, there are two or more books out on love languages, and in my experience they don’t list them all, so be open to your partner having something not talked about in whichever book you find. Or better yet, find and read both theories. One of the books I read listed one the other book failed to mention, so the more research you do on the topic, the better you will understand the whole principle. Usually people have kind of a primary, and secondary, then some that are kinda, and often one that can backfire if you consistently get it wrong. For example, the most common among men is physical touch. This is why guys think making love fixes a fight, and why trying it can often make the fight worse if the wife feels manipulated into forgetting the fight, but bringing home flowers does better to fix things, or helping her with the dishes works best.

Second, talk over the love languages. For romantic moments to happen, both of you need your love language understood and to find things that make both of you feel loved. Couples with totally different love languages most often don’t make it through courtship, because he thinks the flowers he brought are going to do the trick, and she needed the walk in the rain.

The things Linked listed are pretty big moments, and probably on the “quality time” list. But if you are aware, you can look for the smaller moments. Quality time doesn’t have to be expensive trips, but that usually is a good one. It can be a moment watching your sleeping baby or watching the sunset. Gifts don’t have to be expensive, a bouquet of flowers can be expensive long stemmed red roses, or dandelions out of the lawn. Acts of service can be big or small, but usually this one requires the frequent small acts, as is the verbal words of love. One “I love you” a year won’t cut it if this is your partners love language. But it is the constant reassurances, and once in a while a more creative way of saying it, like a note or poem of complement. So, the big things are good, but the little things make up daily life and if you are open to little ways to show love, you can have more of the small moments.

Knowing your partners love language also keeps you from miscommunications when they are trying to show love, and because it isn’t your love language, you totally fail to see it. Like the wife who slaves all day on making her husband the candle light supper of his favorite foods, but then he fails to appreciate it as love, because what he needed was her physical affection. Or the husband who buys chocolates for his wife’s birthday, but she feels misunderstood because what she needed is for him to put down the newspaper and talk to her. Partners need to show love in the ways they show love and have you know it is love, even if it doesn’t quite meet your needs. Don’t just blow it off, but respond lovingly, and maybe respond in your language so that your needs are met too. Or, if that seems impossible, at least be able to say, “I know you are trying and I appreciate it and love you for it, but what I really need is _________ “ to do that, you need to know both your love language and your partners.

dogbite
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Re: Romance

Post by dogbite » Wed Nov 09, 2022 2:45 pm

Re: the long difficult hikes

sharing difficulty can be very romantic, at least in building connection. If you want to hike fast, hike alone. If you want to hike far, hike in groups. The psychology of that holds and if you show concern for the others condition and cooperate, it matters on those tough hikes.

I did 21 miles with my wife in one day. I could have exited an hour earlier than I did but I hung back to make sure things worked out for my wife and she had what she needed. She didn't need me but the chance to demonstrate connection matters I think.

Cnsl1
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Re: Romance

Post by Cnsl1 » Thu Nov 10, 2022 6:47 am

When trying to find her "love language", look to see what she tends to do to show you her love. That would be a clue what her language is.

But also remember that all the love languages can be good. Even if I'm not a gift person, receiving a gift every once in a while can be a happy thing, especially if my primary love languages are being spoken regularly. So, when in doubt, shotgun approach.

What I've found after being married 30 years is that it helps to mix things up, it takes effort and thought, and it's easy to fall into predictable boring routines. If you're trying, you're on the right track. I don't think there's any magical romantic secret code, but it's the effort and desire that's important. Being genuine is important. Sometimes it's hard for guys to express what they feel. Tear a little heart shaped paper, write something amazing about her, and put it in her sock drawer. Then tomorrow another note in her car.

What is frustrating is when your partner seems less interested in romance, or when your efforts do not seem to make any difference in how they feel.. it's easy to want to give up. You have to persist beyond your previous history of inconsistent romance.

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Linked
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Re: Romance

Post by Linked » Thu Nov 10, 2022 2:13 pm

alas wrote:
Wed Nov 09, 2022 1:07 pm
One of the biggest things you can do to make them happen, is to know your partners love language.
Thanks Alas, this is a great point. Those were my top 4 romantic-feeling moments, but for my DW it's probably something else. Her keys are probably a different list, but there is some overlap. I'll have to build that out and try to do something we both like.

I also appreciated your comment about doing small things often.
dogbite wrote:
Wed Nov 09, 2022 2:45 pm
Re: the long difficult hikes

sharing difficulty can be very romantic, at least in building connection. If you want to hike fast, hike alone. If you want to hike far, hike in groups. The psychology of that holds and if you show concern for the others condition and cooperate, it matters on those tough hikes.

I did 21 miles with my wife in one day. I could have exited an hour earlier than I did but I hung back to make sure things worked out for my wife and she had what she needed. She didn't need me but the chance to demonstrate connection matters I think.
Good points. I think this a great example of love language differences. My DW probably would find this romantic, where I get overwhelmed by the size of the task.
Cnsl1 wrote:
Thu Nov 10, 2022 6:47 am
What is frustrating is when your partner seems less interested in romance, or when your efforts do not seem to make any difference in how they feel.. it's easy to want to give up. You have to persist beyond your previous history of inconsistent romance.
This hit home. Thanks for your comments.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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Red Ryder
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Re: Romance

Post by Red Ryder » Fri Nov 11, 2022 11:55 am

Add in Hallmark movies and alcohol! :lol:

Then tell Alexa to turn out the lights…
“It always devolves to Pantaloons. Always.” ~ Fluffy

“I switched baristas” ~ Lady Gaga

“Those who do not move do not notice their chains.” ~Rosa Luxemburg

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moksha
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Re: Romance

Post by moksha » Fri Nov 11, 2022 4:39 pm

Linked wrote:
Mon Nov 07, 2022 3:35 pm
... when you feel when you watch the boats go by on the Rhine river at night. Or when you walk thru the streets of Himeji with the castle lit up and the full moon bright above it with an ice cream cone.
Don't know enough about romance to comment, but I love the imagery of your writing.


Two dogs sucking a spaghetti noodle till they kiss, now that is romantic!
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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