Creative Mormon Mythology

[moksha]

In 2013, a crack team of BYU linguists had been pouring over the medieval Arabic medical writings of Maimonides who preserved a unique latin notation system of medical and scholastic shorthand terminology. They wished to make sense of important acronyms in the LDS faith with one special acronym in particular: NHM. They wished to solve the puzzle of this main archeological proof that the Book of Mormon actually happened by linking the name Nahom found in the Book of Mormon to an obscure stone carving found in Arabia bearing the letters NHM.

Some of the BYU linguists from California contended that the mysterious NHM was a prophetic reference to the Natural History Museum covering the La Brea Tar Pits. One of the BYU linguists with a background in microbiology contended that it stood for Normal Human Melanocytes. It wasn't until they turned to the Latin notation system preserved by Maimonides that they discovered the letters in question stood for:

New Horder Mormon

Once they discovered this they knew it was true.



Can you help preserve these marvel works and wonders by adding your own?

[alas]

New Horder Mormon? Is that someone who goes overboard with food storage and ends up with a 30 year supply of wheat, or someone who saves every church magazine for 50 years?

[Corsair]

I'm trying to come up with a satirical myth for polygamy and I just can't beat the old folk doctrine apologetics for chutzpah.

"There were so many men that died crossing the plains that the saints were forced to engage in polygamy to take care of the widows."

"The church had to bring back polygamy as a restoration of all things. It was just like in ancient times when prophets had more than one wife."

"It was a different time. People got married younger."

"God commanded polygamy. There is no way that these humble prophets would have engaged in polygamy if they were not following God."

The church is ruining satire for me.

[wtfluff]

I'm trying to come up with a satirical myth for polygamy and I just can't beat the old folk doctrine apologetics for chutzpah.

"There were so many men that died crossing the plains that the saints were forced to engage in polygamy to take care of the widows."

"The church had to bring back polygamy as a restoration of all things. It was just like in ancient times when prophets had more than one wife."

"It was a different time. People got married younger."

"God commanded polygamy. There is no way that these humble prophets would have engaged in polygamy if they were not following God."

The church is ruining satire for me.

Are you just trying to say that polygamy is a form of Hording? (Hoarding?)

Early mormon polygamists were truly the original New Horder Mormons?

[Corsair]

Are you just trying to say that polygamy is a form of Hording? (Hoarding?)

Early mormon polygamists were truly the original New Horder Mormons?

This is definitely one way to look at it, although this scrutinizes LDS leadership more thoroughly than the average member. We could also add in the somewhat neglected cult of preparedness and getting a year supply of food. I have not seen such emphasis on this since Spencer Kimball died. Certainly we had some rather creative Mormon myths about how this was going to show the prophetic views of the LDS church once civilization collapsed and only the Mormons had food. Suddenly the whole set of LDS myths about the Elders of (Mormon) Israel preserving the constitution are coming into focus.

[RubinHighlander]

New Horder Mormon? Is that someone who goes overboard with food storage and ends up with a 30 year supply of wheat, or someone who saves every church magazine for 50 years?

Beyond this, don't forget to can your ammunition! Remember in 98 when Hinckley gave that "Prophetic Voice" talk in conference that sent everyone into a prep panic? I love how he throws his safety net caveat in there that he was not predicting doom and gloom. His amazing Cpt Obvious predictions of market swings were not amazing in my opinion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNX5klOT1p0

The cannery equipment was in high demand and some TBMs were said to have been canning ammunition. If you are interested...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byRXKddhBV8

Stay preppy my friends!

[moksha]

War scene from the Hill Cumorah Pageant, Palmyra, New York

[Jinx]

New Horder Mormon? Is that someone who goes overboard with food storage and ends up with a 30 year supply of wheat, or someone who saves every church magazine for 50 years?

I think my mother-in-law is both of these people...

[moksha]

"Teach a man to believe and you will have a follower. Teach a man to fib and you will have an apologist."
-- Dr. Hugh Nibley, Experimental Psychologist

[moksha]

Spencer W. Kimball as a young man was driving from Malad, Idaho to Logan, Utah when his car started to sputter. It finally rolled to a stop in what looked like the middle of nowhere. “What a predicament”, thought Spencer, “If I had only topped the tank off before I left Malad”. He wisely decided it was no use crying over an empty tank. He sat for a while and pondered what Brigham Young or Golden H. Kimball would do. Finally, he shrugged and decided that swearing up a storm would not help.

Suddenly a glint of light caught his eye. In the middle of nowhere, there was a wooded grove. Maybe it's sacred he thought, but I will check it out anyway. Young Spencer threw his suit coat over his shoulder and began the march up a small trail to the woods. As he got closer, he could feel the beat of the music. It was strange music, not like the hymns in Church. No, this definitely different – there were drums and other strange instruments and singing. Not like any singing he had heard the choir sing. He kept getting closer to what appeared to be a cabin. He could make out a few words that they were singing, but it was gibberish to him. What could “glitter on the highway” possibly mean? He wondered if this might be a cabin full of Swedes or Italians.

He noticed a small sign posted on the trail to the cabin. It read Love Shack. “Lordy, lordy,” he thought, “What have I got myself into?” But there was no turning back. He needed gas and was forced to steel his resolve to guard himself against whatever malefic influence a love shack could possess. Spencer pressed forward and as he was nearing the steps it came to him that the music could not be from Idaho or even this world. Should he run or should he be an Ironrod of the Lord? He decided to knock on the door.

The music suddenly stopped and it sounded like the old Victrola needle skipping across one of those records like they had down at Hawley’s Feed and Grain back in Malad. The door swung open and a pretty redhead with a big hairdo, the likes of which he had never seen before, called out to him. “How you doing sugar? What can we help you with today?” Before he could answer she grabbed his arm and pulled him inside. “Do you dance? Well, of course, you do sugar.” He looked around and saw a room full of people smiling at him. It looked friendly enough, but before he could even mention gas, his eyes fixated upon a personage all covered with hair. Spencer just stared. Sensing Spencer’s anxiety, the hairy personage got up and walked over to introduce himself. Sputtering noises were emanating from Spencer. “What hath God wrought”, Spencer thought.

The hairy person was huge, perhaps seven feet tall and thinking about feet, Spencer realized that the person had the largest feet he had ever seen or hoped to see. Spencer needed to do something. Spencer shouted, “I rebuke you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by virtue of the holy Melchizedek priesthood, and I command you to go hence, and immediately depart from my sight…"

Everybody’s mouth fell open. Had they let a lunatic inside? What was he shouting about? But before they could ask, Spencer was out the door running. He ran all the way back to the Oldsmobile. He cranked the engine and it started. When he got in he noticed the tank read half full. He did not think about it. He drove as fast as he could to Logan and thanked the Good Lord for delivering him from the huge hands of whatever that hairy person could have been.

Spencer later went on to have a career in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and he always remembered his brush with that Big Footed character and how the power of the priesthood saved him.

And now you know the rest of the miracle.

[moksha]

Apostles and Oracle

In 1892, two Apostles from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints disembarked from the pier at the Port of Athens. As all who read this history might have guessed, they were on a mission.

This was no ordinary mission because they were not seeking to convert anyone to the Mormon Church. Instead, they had been sent by Church President Wilford Woodruff to the Temple of Apollo at Delphi to ask a question of the Sibyl known as the Oracle of Delphi.

Once the Apostles had rested, nourished their souls with baklava and their courage with Ouzo, they were able to proceed with their journey. They secured necessary guides and porters and thus began the trip to Delphi along the north side of the Gulf of Corinth overlooked by Mount Parnassus. They had adventures along the way that included warding off the Witch-King of Angmar one night while camping at an ancient ruin. Seems it was looking for something called the Talisman of Jupiter.

When the two Apostles arrived at the Temple, the kneeled toward Salt Lake and gave a prayer of thanks. They then requested and received, after making a sizeable offering and being cleansed and anointed by the Temple Virgins, an audience with the Sibyl. They asked the question of what they could do to prevent future problems for the Church. The Sibyl went into her oracular trance and uttered the following words to help with the future for the Church.

"When the way you do things in Utah is exposed to the light, it casts an ill shadow. So for Brigham's sake, turn off the lights!"

The Apostles knew they needed to ponder this message to absorb its full meaning. Due to their callings, they could not help themselves in proposing polygamous marriage to some of the Temple Virgins before they departed. The Virgins demurred but did suggest the Apostles visit a particular cave on their way back to Athens. The Apostles did precisely that on their way back but found the cave full of nanny goats. They sighed and regretted not meeting the shepherdesses.

The two Apostles made a stopover in Newcastle, England on the way home to seek additional wives and upon returning to Salt Lake City they successfully delivered the message to President Woodruff.

[moksha]

Great Moments in Mormon History: Pioneer Cat Mr. Pebbles

In 1957, the Soviet Union launched one of its "so-called" Sputniks into space with a dog named Laika.

In 1959, two years after the Russians sent a dog into orbit, the United States of America demonstrated their own aeronautical ingenuity by making Utah-born “Mr. Pebbles” the first cat in space.

Here’s an explanation from NASA’s chief director, Dr. Irene von Braun, on why she chose a feline for this mission:

Well, we believe the independence displayed by the domestic cat made it a far greater candidate for space travel. We’ve all seen what happens when dogs are without their master. I think it’s safe to say that poor Russian canine went insane from the claustrophobia alone. Mr. Pebbles, in contrast, will feel more at home the further he gets away from Utah.

600 miles up our intrepid feline joined the meteors in orbit, traveling at speeds of 18,000 miles an hour. A distraught Soviet Union could only look on in awe as America once again flexed its extraordinary might!

Meanwhile, President Dwight Eisenhower, along with the Belgian, French and British Prime Ministers gathered in Paris to discuss the politics of the coming space age. Their decision? That those three European nations would be armed with their own feline astronauts – Mr. Whiskers, Miss Pussy, and folk singer Cat Stevens – further strengthening the coalition’s alliance in the years to come.

But none of this would be possible without the heroics of Utah-born Mr. Pebbles, the first LDS cat in space. Mr. Pebbles had previously been set apart by Secretary of Agriculture Ezra Taft Benson for this historic role.

[moksha]

Recently MormonLeaks uncovered this memo from Elder Boyd K. Packer to the KSL Broadcast Studio's scheduling department. Without going into exacting details of all who received this memo or were required to add their initials as proof that they read it, here is the gist of the memo:

From: Elder Boyd K. Packer, Representative for the Lord Most High

To: Saturday Morning Staff, KSL Broadcasting Studio

Date: April 1, 1991

Please be advised that as of today, no further rebroadcasts of the so-called children's cartoon "The Flintstones" will be allowed on the air. The Church wishes to have no further association with this stone age family, the town of Bedrock or their abhorrent lifestyle of having "a gay old time".

BKP:mr

[moksha]

The Voyage of Nephi


Inspiration for Trans-Oceanic Voyage from Jerusalem to the New World


"Willst thou relinquish thy plates, Sir Laban?"


The Lehi Company setting sail from the coast of Yemen


Landing on the shores of Mesoamerica


Mrs. Nephi settles into her new limited geography homeland

[Leukarktos]

Moksha, you're hilarious, and very creative!

[Corsair]

Moksha, the head of Netflix original programming needs to let you pitch a new series for them. It's bound to be a hit.

[Mad Jax]

I don't know if this is in line with what you are doing but the best way to tell this is in voice, and I thought the crowd here would dig it either way.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0PKzMG0viDP

[Mad Jax]

I figure someone claiming to have that "vision" could blow some circuits in the right ward or stake.

[moksha]

The LDS Church has been able to enlist the aid of an Australopithecine to act as the Chairperson for their National Organization against Evolution. As Elder Jeffery Holland put it, "We know how to get things undone".

[Newme]

Some of the BYU linguists from California contended that the mysterious NHM was a prophetic reference to the Natural History Museum covering the La Brea Tar Pits. One of the BYU linguists with a background in microbiology contended that it stood for Normal Human Melanocytes. It wasn't until they turned to the Latin notation system preserved by Maimonides that they discovered the letters in question stood for:

New Horder Mormon

Once they discovered this they knew it was true.

It's a new kind of hording...
The old hording was getting a bit old - how much wheat can you fit in under your beds and furniture?
This new horde is not about greed, as much as it is about which crowd or lack of, one decides to associate with.

horde: noun (= crowd) horde f

All of this time, we thought horde meant to greedily gather and keep for oneself, but all along, it just means to mingle with others - from various cultures...

'horde' in Other Languages
Brazilian Portuguese: multidão
Chinese: > 一大群人通常指熙攘纷扰的
European Spanish: horda
French: horde
German: Horde
Italian: orda
Japanese: 大群
Korean: 떼
Portuguese: multidão
Spanish: horda

As you can see, people the world over, have known about hording for centuries. It is only in the metaphorical Antelope secluded on an island NW of the Watchful mountains and those in the governing kingdom, is this universal fact so unknown. Theorists suggest that isolation is key to redefining words, as this phenomena proves. Now, some would shriek at the thought that they or anyone they knew could be a New Horder Mormon. "Outrageous" news articles say in response. However, to those, outside the isolated binocular-focused scope, it is considered an honor.