Where Can I Meet a Nice Guy?

[achilles]

Sorry folks, I've been largely absent the past few months. My mother's death has changed a lot of things for my father and I, and being in school again with three tough classes hasn't helped.

I'm finally ready. It has taken me a long time to admit, accept, and finally embrace who I am and what I want from life. How I want to be happy. Unfortunately, trying desperately to follow the Church's teachings on homosexuality for decades has made even thinking about these things taboo for me, until the past few years.

I had no hope. In chronic emotional and physical pain, and with a few unlucky events, I was looking for ways to exit this life about four years ago. As soon as I realized what was going on, I knew I had to stop going to Church to save my own life. I have only been to Church once in the past four years, and although there are many things I miss and wish I could have, being alive and happy is just more important.

I was having a talk with my Dad a couple weeks ago. He felt he needed to get back to the temple to get closer to my mom, and he has been doing everything he can to be there. He was present as my great aunt and uncle were sealed posthumously in the Brigham City Temple, and has had many good experiences. Good for him. No, I really mean it. As he explained this to me over pizza, I told him that I am going to start dating. And that the journey will take me further away from the Church, tragically. He and my mom are really the only people I care to get approval from for this journey. They love me and support me. Before my mom died, when I told them about my sexual orientation, all they wanted was for me not to date or marry a jerk. (my bro-in-law is a piece of work...). They just want to like him.

Him. It's so weird for me to say it. I kind of get butterflies thinking about it. I'm freaking 43! And I haven't allowed myself to feel these things until now. Just the thought of feeling close to another guy, kissing, cuddling, and just being--it makes me happy to think of it. I got on Match to put myself out there. But it's tough. In my despair over the past decades, I let myself go. My beauty is also largely gone. Guys are really looking for people who are active and taking care of themselves. I have lost 20 lbs since January, but I have another 60 to go before I get to a healthy weight. I have been changing my diet, and I'm joining a gym. I want to be healthy for myself... Anyone who doesn't like me can go to hell. But I want to be fit to be attractive as well. And it's so strange to actually want to attract another person. Different.

I know there's got to be nice guys out there. I imagine there are many men like myself who gambled away their youth hoping for something--meaningful--from Church activity and attendance. And there were meaningful things. But I could never figure out why I got depressed and discouraged every three months. The Church teaches that the most important things in life are spouse and family. But it teaches that men like me have to just wait until we're dead to live. To be happy. It is soul-destroying. You want to find a shell of a man or woman--just look for people like me. And I nearly was dead...

So... how do I even find anyone to go to dinner with? Maybe some of you have ideas or leads. I live in Box Elder County.

[Red Ryder]

I have no idea where gay former Mormons go to meet people let alone in Box Elder. I only know one gay mormon but he's still married to a woman so I doubt he would even know.

Its great to hear you're ready to move forward with this part of your life. Happy to hear your doing good.

You should post this on reddit where there's a larger population of people who would know. I love the selfies over there (even if it depresses me to see people who can be open about themselves) and noticed there were many gay guys from the comments.

Or what about grinder, tinder, ok Cupid, meet a farmer, and all the other websites out there?

I'm realizing how difficult this is.

[No Tof]

I am so happy that you are taking steps to find a partner.

Throughout my faith journey it seems that just when I’ve been ready to move forward the universe provided the the thing I needed. It might have been a book I found, a comment here at NOM or meeting someone IRL.

Wish I could help more directly but you have my support. Sounds like you are doing the normal things to get into the game. Please trust that you are already an attractive desirable person. The right guy will come along.

Cheering from the gallery for your success.

Ganbatte ne

[Emower]

Man I don't know. Maybe there is an underground exmo dating forum somewhere? If anyone would know it would be Reddit.

I am glad you are finally feeling acceptance with yourself and allowing happiness! Good luck on your search.

[Anon70]

I'm no help either but so happy you are taking care of yourself and making you a priority. Good luck!

[Give It Time]

Audition for a play. There might be a meet-up group. San Francisco had a gay ward, back in the day. They probably still do. It's my understanding Utah is ranked third for number of gays per capita. Perhaps we have our own unofficial gay ward. I'm sure there's an organization that exists to make the pride parade happen. It's probably called Utah Pride. A phone call to then would be a good place to start. Frankly, you're probably going to have to drive and I guarantee you the person you meet will be the one person in any given group who lives farthest from you.

[Enoch Witty]

Your post is very powerful. I don't have an answer to your question, but I wish you the best on your journey. I agree that Reddit might have more people with experience in this area than NOM. Good luck, friend.

[MoPag]

Achilles!! I'm so happy for you!!!

I think going on Match was a smart move. I lived with my gay best friend and his two gay roommates for a while. And they did all the dating sites. Based on their experiences, I would say stay away from the hook-up sites/apps. (tinder, grinder, plenty of fish etc.) Those are usually for one-night stands. And the people there seem to be a bit crazier. More legit sites like Match might take longer to find someone, but it's worth it.

Good job on going to the gym to be a healthier you! Does your gym offer classes? That might be a way to meet someone. I like what Give it Time said about auditioning for a play. Just get involved with your local community theatre. (Maybe during a less busy semester) Try and find a group of gay friends first and then see what happens. Good Luck!

[Linked]

I don't have any advice on where to meet gay guys, but I really enjoyed your post and am so glad you are able to take this step toward your happiness!

[LaMachina]

Damn, this post hit me in the guts. It made me sad and joyful all at once.

Good on you for making changes in your life. Your 40's are still plenty young (from a guy who reached his 40's last year! )

I'm afraid I have no advice, although others here have some good suggestions. From what I can tell, dating these days is simultaneously easier and more difficult than it has ever been. Just wanted to wish you the best of luck on your continued journey.

[DPRoberts]

Audition for a play.

Or a choir. I understand that the Salt Lake Men's choir consists of mostly (entirely?) gay men. Maybe there is something like that in Ogden or Logan if not Brigham City. I met my wife in a choir.

I am so glad you chose your life over the Morg. Terrible pun, I know, but I couldn't resist. Here's wishing you well on your journey to find your authentic self and hopefully someone to share it with. I once saw two young gay men walking down a nearby street showing affection to each other and having that euphoric look about them. I recognized that look. I had seen it in numerous straight couples. That day I think I realized more than ever that romantic love is no different for gay people. Good luck, and would love to hear about your progress.

[achilles]

So a little return...report...

I put up a profile on Match.com a few weeks ago, and have been reading profiles and sending messages. Yesterday, I had a guy compliment me on my picture and mention he thought I was a thinker of thoughts and was interested to get to know me. We talked on the phone for about four hours, and have decided to meet on Tuesday night.

One thing he said really concerned me, though: he said that most guys our age out there are completely broken and only want sex. That they live hard in the promiscuous and vapid part of the gay community and get burned up and burned out. Many develop alcoholism, abuse drugs, have multiple diseases and see each other as flesh, or as meal tickets. That the ones who want long term relationships and stability are few and far between, or that they are simply out there living their lives off the gaydar (it seemed like the perfect word). In a way, he found my profile so striking because I seemed to want good things, and so does he. I guess the guys tend to sort themselves by the sites they use to meet. Match is a bit more legit than some of the others (which are used more for hook-ups). After teaching college for five years, it does seem to me that that hook-up culture is a huge problem for young people, and not just guys like me.

We'll meet. And whether we simply become friends or something more, I feel like there probably are opportunities out there for long term love and companionship.

Anyway, I don't want to do play by play here, so I'll leave it at that. I'm happy for all of your support and encouragement.

[MoPag]

Yay!!!! A Halloween meet up date! Super fun!

[Give It Time]

So a little return...report...

I put up a profile on Match.com a few weeks ago, and have been reading profiles and sending messages. Yesterday, I had a guy compliment me on my picture and mention he thought I was a thinker of thoughts and was interested to get to know me. We talked on the phone for about four hours, and have decided to meet on Tuesday night.

One thing he said really concerned me, though: he said that most guys our age out there are completely broken and only want sex. That they live hard in the promiscuous and vapid part of the gay community and get burned up and burned out. Many develop alcoholism, abuse drugs, have multiple diseases and see each other as flesh, or as meal tickets. That the ones who want long term relationships and stability are few and far between, or that they are simply out there living their lives off the gaydar (it seemed like the perfect word). In a way, he found my profile so striking because I seemed to want good things, and so does he. I guess the guys tend to sort themselves by the sites they use to meet. Match is a bit more legit than some of the others (which are used more for hook-ups). After teaching college for five years, it does seem to me that that hook-up culture is a huge problem for young people, and not just guys like me.

We'll meet. And whether we simply become friends or something more, I feel like there probably are opportunities out there for long term love and companionship.

Anyway, I don't want to do play by play here, so I'll leave it at that. I'm happy for all of your support and encouragement.

This sounds good.

Hope it goes well.

I like the idea of a Halloween Meetup, too.

[wtfluff]

Anyway, I don't want to do play by play here, so I'll leave it at that. I'm happy for all of your support and encouragement.

Some of us want a play-by-play. (Just Sayin' )

[moksha]

If any of those fast guys ask for more than a kiss on your first date, tell them, "I'm not that kind of boy".

[achilles]

Anyway, I don't want to do play by play here, so I'll leave it at that. I'm happy for all of your support and encouragement.

Some of us want a play-by-play. (Just Sayin' )

I'll send you a PM

[Enoch Witty]

The update brought a smile to my face. I felt a little joy for you over here across the world.

[MoPag]

Sooooo........How did it go?