Family Gatherings are Hard

[Linked]

I spent 24 hours with my TBM parents and siblings for New Years at a sister's cabin. Lots of fun games and food and snow. But the ever-present wedge between me and everyone else cast a pall over the celebrations for me. They are as TBM as ever. Now they just wait until I am not around to let it all out though. I suppose that is nice of them, but it just highlights that they can't be open around me, nor I around them.

I walked in on two TBM conversations. The first was my mom talking about a cousin's mission farewell and commenting on the church status of each cousin. One that used to be wild has normal hair again and was there at the fairwell. One who went on a mission a few years ago but is gay with a boyfriend wasn't there. I calmly mentioned that the church is an unhealthy place for a gay couple. My TBM but reasonable sister agreed that "if they are going to live that lifestyle they should leave the church behind and be all in".

Later I walked in from outside where I was helping wire up the roof heaters to prevent ice damage and heard in the next room a discussion where my brother was suggesting that nowhere does it say that everyone is going to be mormon, we shouldn't even expect most people to be mormon. When I walked in the room the topic was immediately dropped.

I wish I could care less about it, but that's not me.

[crossmyheart]

My family does the same thing. When I was TBM, we could openly talk about complaints about the church, or quirks in the system that didn't add up, or even gossip about church members. Now none of my family will engage in such conversations with me. I think they are afraid to complain around me, because it will just give me more ammo and I will then affirm that my side is right and they are wrong and start an argument. (Sheepishly admit that I have done this once or twice-Guilty!)

There is no neutral ground anymore. I miss that casual conversation. I have tried to tell them that I have changed, we can talk casually and I won't turn it into a war of words. Sorry to say that will probably never happen again.

[BriansThoughtMirror]

That sounds like my weekend with extended family, too. I just feel super awkward, even though everyone has been nothing but nice to me... I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb hanging out in jeans as everyone is getting ready for church. I also sat through or overheard tons of highly TBM conversations, and I get sick of hearing about whether something is Sabbath appropriate. Do you ever feel like sometimes people want you to overhear certain conversations so you'll be influenced to come back? I do, though I'm guessing at least most of them were not really planned like that- they are just Mormons having Mormon conversations. Only on a very few occasions has someone said anything that was unthinkingly hurtful, and those were either little kids or not intentional (though some comments betray what parents teach their kids at home). Still, I ended up with a splitting stress headache the first night.

Sometimes, though, I think I need to just relax and stop caring so much. Maybe I am making it harder on myself by imagining more awkward situations than there really are? Maybe nobody is even thinking about me at all, haha! It's really hard, though. Maybe being MORE open would make it better for me... Kill the taboos, maybe? It would make me feel better, I think! I'm not the kind of person who likes to be the center of attention, though, so I'm not sure yet how to be more open. Facebook, maybe?

Sorry to hear you had to deal with that! The conversation on activity status must have really felt like a punch in the gut.

[Red Ryder]

I think more often than not we walk on our own self induced tight rope.

I also think conversations suddenly stop because Mormons subconsciously known it's all weird and all too consuming. I've found myself saying things like thanks for the church update, what else is going on in your lives not church related? Ok,, so maybe that's a little passive aggressive but most of the time they don't have anything else going on. It's all church related.

They also do this consciously like when members purposely NOT wear their garments to the doctors office. That's too weird to explain and they know it. So they don't wear them.

[a1986]

Sounds like a lot of people can relate to your story if that gives you any comfort. I can too!

Fortunately, my husband talked to his sister recently and let her know that I haven't wanted to come around lately (I stayed home when they invited us to come over for breakfast and to watch conference in October) because she always asks us about church and it got old real fast. For a while there, when we'd come over for dinner on Sunday, she would ask every single time "did you guys go to church today?" Not really sure what she was hoping would happen as a result of the "checking in" but I would get so annoyed and tried my hardest to avoid church-related conversations. Of course this didn't always work.

We don't talk about church-related stuff other than them sharing what they've got going on, how their callings are going, etc. . . which is of course fine. I can always sense when the conversation is turning toward more of a serious note and have so far redirected / successfully dodged a line of questioning about church / her "bearing her testimony" to me, etc. . .

I am personally not up for sharing the entire truth just yet. My husband and I are planning on moving next year and I will probably just send a letter some time after we move expressing my views, etc. . . My husband's family will hopefully take it better given time to process. I thank GOD that there are no upcoming trips planned to Utah (where my husband's family lives) and that we will have more distance from his family.

Anyway, hope things get better over time for you, I'm sure they will. All the best!

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

24 hours is weak sauce man, I just spent an entire week with hard-core zealous BYU attending family isolated on a compound far away from civilization. I often wonder what the non-Utah people think of my BIL's sweatshirt that doesn't merely say "BYU", but "Brigham Young" on the front. One thing I found this time around, the rhetoric didn't bother me as much. I think I'm starting to mellow or come into stage 4.5 or something. No awkward conversations presented themselves. I did throw in one single poke about Wilford Woodruff's nightcaps when the discussion turned to sleep aids. That was my only indulgence.

[slavereeno]

This is why I skulk in the shadows. Its funny, you can say whatever you want almost and advocate for almost any change, so long as you still claim to have a "testimony."

I spent a lot of time with my TBM family this past week and I either suggested a different way of thinking about things or changed the topic of conversation several times.

[Linked]

Thank you for all the kind replies, it is definitely helpful to know I am not alone in this.

Embracing my belief that the mormon church is not true and that much about it is actually harmful has made it more difficult to hear things from the TBM perspective. My heart starts to pound and I get angry and just want to grab them by the shirt and get in their faces and tell them that what they believe is not just false, but hurtful and they need to stop! That is the wedge on my side. Hopefully time fixes it. I think distance could help, but I can't get any distance with a TBM wife and weekly church.

Hopefully things improve this year!

[Anon70]

Thank you for all the kind replies, it is definitely helpful to know I am not alone in this.

Embracing my belief that the mormon church is not true and that much about it is actually harmful has made it more difficult to hear things from the TBM perspective. My heart starts to pound and I get angry and just want to grab them by the shirt and get in their faces and tell them that what they believe is not just false, but hurtful and they need to stop! That is the wedge on my side. Hopefully time fixes it. I think distance could help, but I can't get any distance with a TBM wife and weekly church.

Hopefully things improve this year!

I just wanted to chime in and say that I think these feelings may abate with time. At first I wanted everyone to know the truth!!!! Now I’m like, eh, whatever works and I engage if I feel like it and don’t if I don’t. Everyone’s timing is different but I hope your emotions around it level even if your passion to influence doesn’t

[BriansThoughtMirror]

My heart starts to pound and I get angry and just want to grab them by the shirt and get in their faces and tell them that what they believe is not just false, but hurtful and they need to stop! That is the wedge on my side. Hopefully time fixes it. I think distance could help, but I can't get any distance with a TBM wife and weekly church.

I can absolutely relate to this, too. At times, it's been unbearable, and sometimes it's still pretty bad. It has gotten a lot better, though, mostly because I've been able to slowly distance myself and start recovering. It's REALLY hard when you can't get enough distance. Sometimes I feel like you describe just from being around certain TBM people, because I know what they must be thinking! Of course, I don't really know what they are thinking, but my brain goes a million miles a minute thinking up their horrible judgements. This makes me more miserable, and is unfair to them. (Some judgements do happen, though, which makes it harder not to make assumptions.) This is all really rough.