Wife dropped a bomb on me

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
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fetchface
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Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by fetchface » Wed Dec 30, 2020 12:08 pm

Out of the blue last night, she says to me that she is done with the church. Like wants to resign and everything, and wants the kids names removed as well.

I had to say that we need to slow down just a bit and talk this out with the kids (4 teens). While none of them is super enthusiastic about church, I've avoided overt encouragement of them leaving, so I don't know how they'd take it. I know at least two would welcome it. The other two just don't talk about how they feel about church much at all.

I honestly never thought this day would come. I thought I'd be over the moon but honestly it doesn't feel like much since I already had a good relationship with the wife when she was all in. Mostly it has just left me a bit pensive and feeling bad for how many relationships the church has ruined, and also feeling a bit of "survivor's guilt." My heart goes out to all of you who don't have a spouse who accepts you for who you are, or whose relationship didn't survive loss of belief.

I think the covid lockdown allowed her a lot of time to think, and I'm not sure this would have happened if she had kept herself as busy as the church would like, or maybe it would have. It will be interesting to see how much thinner the pews are when everything gets back to normal.

I mean, you guys will have to tell me about it because I'm not going to be going back to sacrament meeting to support my wife anymore. 8-)
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Hagoth
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by Hagoth » Wed Dec 30, 2020 5:37 pm

:shock: :D

I can't wait to hear what comes next.
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

Jesus: "The Kingdom of God is within you." The Buddha: "Be your own light."

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wtfluff
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by wtfluff » Wed Dec 30, 2020 6:33 pm

Image

Good luck navigating the future with the kidlets... Honestly, that's probably going to be the easy part. 8-)
Faith does not give you the answers, it just stops you asking the questions. -Frater Ravus

Keep the company of those who seek the truth - run from those who have found it -Václav Havel

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2bizE
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by 2bizE » Wed Dec 30, 2020 7:04 pm

fetchface wrote:
Wed Dec 30, 2020 12:08 pm
Out of the blue last night, she says to me that she is done with the church. Like wants to resign and everything, and wants the kids names removed as well.

I had to say that we need to slow down just a bit and talk this out with the kids (4 teens). While none of them is super enthusiastic about church, I've avoided overt encouragement of them leaving, so I don't know how they'd take it. I know at least two would welcome it. The other two just don't talk about how they feel about church much at all.

I honestly never thought this day would come. I thought I'd be over the moon but honestly it doesn't feel like much since I already had a good relationship with the wife when she was all in. Mostly it has just left me a bit pensive and feeling bad for how many relationships the church has ruined, and also feeling a bit of "survivor's guilt." My heart goes out to all of you who don't have a spouse who accepts you for who you are, or whose relationship didn't survive loss of belief.

I think the covid lockdown allowed her a lot of time to think, and I'm not sure this would have happened if she had kept herself as busy as the church would like, or maybe it would have. It will be interesting to see how much thinner the pews are when everything gets back to normal.

I mean, you guys will have to tell me about it because I'm not going to be going back to sacrament meeting to support my wife anymore. 8-)
Wow. This is amazing. I hope you will share your secret sauce with us hoping for this bomb to drop with our spouses someday?
~2bizE

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Just This Guy
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by Just This Guy » Wed Dec 30, 2020 9:07 pm

Image
"The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams

hmb
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by hmb » Thu Dec 31, 2020 7:03 am

That's pretty amazing. A good start to the new year. I hope she's not going to force the kids out. That could be as problematic as forcing them to stay in. If they aren't super gung-ho about church, they'll probably make the decision to walk. This can be hard on friendships though. Adults can be pretty mean, even if well intentioned about lost souls, kids can be as bad to peers. It's an adjustment. You are wise to take it slow. And congrats.

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Red Ryder
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by Red Ryder » Thu Dec 31, 2020 10:13 am

Time to step up your role as lover, provider, husband, father, and lawn mower!

She no longer wears the celestial marriage handcuffs! This means you’ll have to be a caveman in bed to fulfill her inner desires that were inhibited by her Mormon underwear and immodesty induced guilt imprinted in her mind.

Losing the celestial handcuffs means her heart might wander and her soul long for a life never lived but impersonated on season 17 of The Bachelor.

It means you’ll have to toss out the food storage, the jello recipes, and the 47 boxes of coloring crayons she kept for her primary lessons. She’ll soon learn to drop F bombs here, and there, and everywhere.

She’ll learn to drink mai tai’s at the bowling alley, Long Island ice tea on vacation, and red wine at dinner.

She’ll learn to think on her own, often having differing opinions than yours, hopefully soon forgetting the names of 15 men she once held in high regard, even so taking their picture off the walls of your home.

She’ll have to take down the picture of Jesus on the nightstand, give up her scriptures, and learn to live an authentic life of her own.

I’m sure it will be an adjustment. You’ll both survive and thrive. A whole new life. A whole new world. A whole new set of problems unknown. As that is what life is about. A test, to see if you will be obedient and return to... uh wrong testimony. Sorry it’s engrained.

I hope the survivors guilt will remain. So you’ll remember us at NOM who care, and whose spouses still dawn the funny underwear!

Congrats Fetch!
Those who do not move do not notice their chains. —Rosa Luxemburg

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slk
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by slk » Sat Jan 02, 2021 9:34 am

Wow, let us know if they (wife & kids) just rip the bandaid off or what happens. Honestly now would be the easiest time to pull the plug with the pandemic. Resigning still hasn't crossed my mind and probably never would unless it became a mutual decision with the wife.

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fetchface
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by fetchface » Sat Jan 02, 2021 10:23 am

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I'm thinking it would be nice to have the conversation sooner rather than later with the kids. Maybe tomorrow.
Ubi Dubium Ibi Libertas
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græy
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by græy » Sat Jan 02, 2021 5:38 pm

That's awesome, fetchface! :D Congratulations!

Wise choice recommending that she take it slow.

I have to admit to a significant amount of jealousy. I keep hearing people say how COVID gave them a break and space to reflect on what church wasn't actually doing for them. But for my DW, it has been the exact opposite. She has continued to dress up for home church every week, and forces the kids to dress up and sit through each and every online church meeting. In fact, with all the various zoom classes, our Sundays have been even more church filled than pre-covid. And she now looks forward to doing it all in person again soon.
I'm better than dirt... well most dirt. Not that fancy store bought stuff, I can't compete with that... full of nutrients and everything. -Moe Sizlack

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fetchface
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by fetchface » Tue Jan 05, 2021 4:43 pm

Well, the conversation with the kids went well. None of them seem at all bothered that we are all resigning. I think they'll miss activities with the others but other social groups can be found...

Is quitmormon too much of a bother these days? Should we just send the resignation letters straight to HQ (like I did before quitmormon existed)?
græy wrote:
Sat Jan 02, 2021 5:38 pm
I have to admit to a significant amount of jealousy. I keep hearing people say how COVID gave them a break and space to reflect on what church wasn't actually doing for them. But for my DW, it has been the exact opposite. She has continued to dress up for home church every week, and forces the kids to dress up and sit through each and every online church meeting. In fact, with all the various zoom classes, our Sundays have been even more church filled than pre-covid. And she now looks forward to doing it all in person again soon.
Sorry to hear that. That sounds totally miserable. I wish I had some advice, but all I can say is that Mormonism makes some people crazy.
Ubi Dubium Ibi Libertas
My blog: http://untanglingmybrain.blogspot.com/

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Red Ryder
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by Red Ryder » Wed Jan 06, 2021 9:29 am

Quit Mormon requires a notary to validate your ID now. I’d just send it in to headquarters on your own. That should still work.

Congrats.
Those who do not move do not notice their chains. —Rosa Luxemburg

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RubinHighlander
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by RubinHighlander » Fri Jan 08, 2021 9:43 am

Awesomeness! I remember vividly the day my dw told me she wanted out; I was so freakn excited and happy. It was about a year later we had the names taken off via quitmormon. We had the chat with our one 17 year old kid at home, told her we supported her in any level of participation she wanted to have with church, but she was so elated to be done with it. Since that event a few years ago, our relationship has thrived as has our happiness and a huge reduction in stress, guilt and fear.
“Sir,' I said to the universe, 'I exist.' 'That,' said the universe, 'creates no sense of obligation in me whatsoever.”
--Douglas Adams

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jfro18
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by jfro18 » Fri Jan 08, 2021 10:59 am

Congrats!

As græy said I was hoping that my wife would realize during COVID that she didn't need the church, but it had the opposite effect which I suppose in hindsight should've been expected.

One day I hope to join you, but I don't see it happening so I'll just live vicariously through those of you who experience that moment. :)

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Ghost
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by Ghost » Fri Jan 08, 2021 3:43 pm

That's much better than many of the things your subject line could have been referring to. Good luck with this transition.

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fetchface
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by fetchface » Mon Jan 11, 2021 3:03 pm

Thanks, guys!

Right now she seems pretty motivated to make this official. She just sent in the family resignation letter!

It's going to be really kind of weird to not have the church hanging over my life in any real way. My only exposure will be when I visit my parents, I guess?

It really seems like it is too good to be true, like it's not real or something. Covid was giving us a break and I was getting used to it, but never did I dream it would be permanent.
Ubi Dubium Ibi Libertas
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moksha
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by moksha » Mon Jan 11, 2021 11:06 pm

fetchface wrote:
Wed Dec 30, 2020 12:08 pm
Out of the blue last night, she says to me that she is done with the church. Like wants to resign and everything, and wants the kids names removed as well.
Sometimes the desire for a Diet Coke becomes unquenchable.
Good faith does not require evidence, but it also does not turn a blind eye to that evidence. Otherwise, it becomes misplaced faith.
-- Moksha

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fetchface
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by fetchface » Wed Jan 13, 2021 12:51 pm

moksha wrote:
Mon Jan 11, 2021 11:06 pm
Sometimes the desire for a Diet Coke becomes unquenchable.
Indeed, but my wife gets exceptionally talkative when she drinks caffeine for some reason so heaven help me!
Ubi Dubium Ibi Libertas
My blog: http://untanglingmybrain.blogspot.com/

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Linked
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by Linked » Wed Jan 13, 2021 2:19 pm

fetchface wrote:
Mon Jan 11, 2021 3:03 pm
It's going to be really kind of weird to not have the church hanging over my life in any real way. My only exposure will be when I visit my parents, I guess?

It really seems like it is too good to be true, like it's not real or something. Covid was giving us a break and I was getting used to it, but never did I dream it would be permanent.
Living the dream!!! That sounds so wonderful, I'm very happy for you.

I'm getting the opposite, my wife is now attending SM more, taking the kids along, and having the kids get on their primary zoom calls. They were singing "Follow the Prophet" last Sunday and I realized how much of my recent lowered anxiety levels were due to not having to deal with church.

Keep us posted on how great the dream is!
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

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slavereeno
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Re: Wife dropped a bomb on me

Post by slavereeno » Thu Jan 14, 2021 1:28 pm

Nice!! Congrats

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