I’m not even sure where to start with the re-cap of the last few years… why I left…why I’m back… all that stuff! So, I guess I will just start where I am now — especially for those who weren’t around in 2012-2016ish (I think those were my main years here).
I am the 5th of 10 children —- all of whom (and our parents, too) went to BYU. Suffice it to say, I come from a VERY VERY orthodox LDS family. My 5 sisters are all still TBM. My 4 brothers and I are all somewhere on the disaffected/out of the church spectrum. (Does anyone remember an “event a few years ago where a guy organized a thing for everyone to post a paper of facts a la Martin Luther style??? That was my brother). I still scratch my head on a regular basis and wonder how it is that (most) of the WOMEN in the family are the devout ones… seems to me that it is a nicer place for men, but what do I know???
I actually started my “investigating” (journey into the rabbit hole/abyss) n 1997 — in the local library — before internet was really a thing! It’s amazing how far the church has/hasn’t come in the last 24 years!! I “left” the church in 1999, but promptly returned (like 2 weeks later; story for another day). It has been a roller coaster ride ever since.
I have been married to my true blue (very BYU blue) TBM DH for almost 30 years. We’ve been through a lot — between my leaving, return, disaffection, inactivity, activity, inactivity… but I am happy to report that we have been in a happy place for the last 5 years or so. Maybe it was when we quit trying to change each other’s viewpoint and testimony (or lack thereof) that I left NOM. It’s funny how “apostates” do not need secret support groups when we actually feel heard and (mostly) accepted!!
I have 5 kiddos. My oldest is now an attorney in SLC and just had gender reassignment surgery last month (male-to-female). Suffice it to say, that has been a challenging situation for everyone involved. (She is 26 now, and has identified as L,G,T, B, Q, AND A … at some point in the last 10 years. Overall, I think it has helped my TBM DH and other TBM family members (and me, too, frankly) learn how to LOVE a whole lot better!! My 2nd child is a music teacher (not active in the church). My daughter (age 21) is marginally active. My 4th is currently serving a mission in Cameroon Africa (more stories for another day). And my youngest (15 year old son) is on the Autism Spectrum — (high functioning… doing really well(. I never thought (when I had 5 children) that I would only have ONE that would serve a mission… but here we are. (And one is enough. It is stressful!)
As for my faith journey… I’ve felt pretty peaceful about how I do (or don’t do) church over the past 5 years. I’ve been all over the place in terms of level of activity. COVID (no church) was a really nice break, I’m not going to lie. I currently teach RS (every 2 months), which I really like…. I get to choose the conference talks that I teach & I love bringing some “new” ideas to the ladies in my Ward. I guess you could say that it is my way of “giving back”!
I am finding, however, after the break from COVID, I am starting to plunge into the less peaceful part of my “cycle.” Over the last 24 years, it seems that I cycle about every 7 years or so…. From being pretty well able to handle Mormon culture, SM talks, callings, etc…. And then…. Not so much for a while. So, that is why I am back here. I need an outlet. I don’t feel the same level of need for anonymity that I did when I first joined NOM in 2012 (I’m much more open about my beliefs, attitudes, etc. now) … Back in 1997, the ONLY website/support group was ex-mo…. Now there are so many!! But, truth be told— over all these years, I haven’t found another “Tribe” like NOM out there in internet-land. I was pretty stoked to see so many familiar faces STILL HERE!! I thought I wouldn’t recognize anyone when I came back!
I’ve missed you. <3
