He Upped The Ante By "Repenting"

[Give It Time]

He who must not be named (henceforth, I'll call him Voldemort) update.

He clandestinely remarried his live in (he didn't information or invite our sons).
Apparently, he was excommunicated and what I hate most about that is I couldn't enjoy it, because I didn't know.
He was re-baptized in June. He just said he was being baptized and since his new wife wasn't a member, he could have been either.
He gave a talk in church, recently, in his ward in another state. He spoke of having repented. News to us. No restitution made to our sons. It seems to me that keeping them in the loop on the repentance process would have been part of it, but who am I to question his SP.
He sent a copy of the talk to our sons (not me, which is fine)
I would be foolish to assume he hasn't sent a copy of that talk to my bishop and a few people in the ward.

Time to move.

[Anon70]

Hi GIT,

I'm sorry for his lack of restitution. Your stories remind me of a dear family member who went through similar things. Her ex ended up on the bishopric-what happened to discernment there!?

It's taken her years to process and heal. I guess I just wanted to validate your experience-yes, these things happen and send you hope for healing. Hugs!

[Give It Time]

Thank you, Anon70.

I'm currently thinking of what my therapist would say. We all choose our reactions and I'm choosing to be upset. Simply thinking that has me not as upset. I'm trying to consider this as an opportunity.

I'm also thinking of the old Chinese folktale, Sai Weng Loses Horse. Here it is:

During the Han Dynasty—in the third century B.C.—an old man living on China’s border one day lost his horse. His neighbors all said what terrible luck that was, and sympathized with the old man. But Sai Weng said: “Maybe losing my horse is not a bad thing after all.”

Lo and behold, the next day the old man’s horse returned, together with a beautiful female horse alongside him. All the neighbors exclaimed: “What great luck!” But the old man responded: “Maybe this is not such good luck after all.”

The old man had a strong young son. The boy fell in love with the new horse and rode her every day. One day the new horse got spooked by a wild animal and threw the boy from her back. He broke his leg very badly and was permanently crippled.

All Sai Weng’s neighbors said: “What a tragedy, your strong son will never walk without pain again.” But the old man again said: “Maybe this is not such a bad thing after all.”

And so it went that when the New Year came, the emperor’s army passed through the border region and recruited all able young men to fight in the frontier war. Because the old man’s son was crippled he could not fight and was left in the village to farm with his father. Sai Weng said to his neighbors: “You see, it all turned out okay in the end. Being thrown from the horse and breaking his leg saved my son from fighting in the war and almost certain death. So it was in the end a lucky thing after all.”

Whenever a bad thing happens in China, someone will say “Sai Weng Shi Ma” (Remember “The Old Man Who Lost His Horse”) to remind themselves and others that apparently bad things sometimes have a silver lining.

I could list more ways this could negatively impact my sons and me, but I'd rather not list them, now.

I'm very grateful for your support and the impetus this situation gives me to get off my butt.

[alas]

I am wondering just what his SP thinks he repented of. My guess is that it was just living with the current girl friend. (Whom he has now married so he will feel free to start abusing.) I bet that he never admitted to his B or SP anything about the reasons for the divorce. So, since he was not repenting of abusing his spouse or children, why keep the ex informed. He probably wove some tragic story about how his wife divorced him (insert story of him being the injured party) and left him broken hearted, so he found comfort in the arms of his current, but didn't feel ready to tie the knot because his heart was so broken....

You know what he is like. So, knowing that, does he ever admit to wrong doing when he has not been caught? Can you even imagining him fessing up to being abusive to his first family? You know that sociopaths do not feel remorse, so repentance is not even an option. He is not capable of feeling remorse. That was why you divorced the jerk.

So, some dope man in some far away state has pulled the wolf over his SP eyes, and "repented" by making his living arrangements legal. I have a friend who says that is not repentance, it is marrying your sin. So, seriously, why should you care that the known con man continues to con?

You are well rid of him, and the poor woman he married.

Just be happy that you are no longer watching his con job up close, and only hearing about it.

Keep telling yourself all the reasons you devorced him, as many times as it takes.

[Give It Time]

Your thoughts have been part of my precise thoughts. Especially, this

I am wondering just what his SP thinks he repented of. My guess is that it was just living with the current girl friend. (Whom he has now married so he will feel free to start abusing.) I bet that he never admitted to his B or SP anything about the reasons for the divorce. So, since he was not repenting of abusing his spouse or children, why keep the ex informed. He probably wove some tragic story about how his wife divorced him (insert story of him being the injured party) and left him broken hearted, so he found comfort in the arms of his current, but didn't feel ready to tie the knot because his heart was so broken....

That is probably exactly what he did. In the talk that he emailed to my sons, he said that the SP knew ALL his sins and forgave ALL of them. That is exactly as specific as he got. So, he was re-baptized. Now, he's given a talk in his new ward about faith and how it heals,

My sons aren't enamored of the talk (he kind of calls one of them to repentance in it, well actually all of us). My concern was my ward, my family, my member friends. Anyone who's a member, if I bring up any of his old behaviors, I would simply be told he's repented, his past sins don't matter anymore. Really?! Even though his fraud shenanigans may impact us for a very long time, his having committed that crime and never made restitution to us nor apologized to us, these things no longer matter because my ex spun a good tale and his SP was too lazy to do his due diligence and talk to me? Really? And that's just one thing he did. So, none of that matters and the fact that he never did any repentance toward us matters. He's forgiven. We just get to lump it. F*ck that!

Anyway, those have been some of my thoughts, but as I've said, I realized those thoughts were a choice. So, I started trying on new thoughts for size. What if he moves back here/is the one to buy my house? Okay, he did have allies here, but they saw enough behavior from him. They've heard enough stories from me. Even if he did move back, I would likely have moved elsewhere and the ward wouldn't be as charitable once his true colors started showing. Same thing with my friends. Same thing with my family. He may win a temporary victory, but he wouldn't be able to make it last. So, meh. Whatever. He can't hurt me.

I know he abuses his new wife. I've known it since she's entered his life. It's just who he is. I see it in the emails he sends and I hear it in the phone conversations. I feel very sorry for the poor woman.

So yeah. The jerk's gonna do what he's gonna do. Right now, only my sons and you NOMs know I have as much info as I do. That'll work in my favor, for awhile. It's difficult, because it takes commitment to the long-term view, but things will work out.

[Anon70]

Thank you for the horse story! I need that reminder right as I go through what, I think, are hard things. Could be worse and maybe it will all turn out right in the end!

[Give It Time]

Thank you for the horse story! I need that reminder right as I go through what, I think, are hard things. Could be worse and maybe it will all turn out right in the end!

I absolutely love that story! You're welcome.

A few thoughts before I head out the door.

When my father was sent home for hospice care, my sister called the bishop, who came right over. Before he went to see my father, my sister informed the bishop my father had some things he needed to discuss with him. The bishop went up and had a short visit. He said they essentially said goodbye. My sister then asked the bishop if the discussed a large handful of sins.that are discipline worthy, some excommunication worthy. The bishop said no to each, in turn. My father died later, that day.

At his funeral the bishop thundered from the pulpit that my father and my mother were reunited and happy in the celestial kingdom. So, this isn't the first time this has happened.

That stake president absolved my ex of all the sins of which he knew. Voldemort had talked to the bishop in my ward about his abuse. That bishop knew about the abandonment, deadbeat and fraud and did nothing. Ergo, they're not sins, at least not serious for any kind of discipline. No emotion on this, just realizing the direction the wind blows.