A tithing victory?

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MerrieMiss
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A tithing victory?

Post by MerrieMiss » Fri Dec 07, 2018 4:03 pm

This summer our youngest was in the hospital for an extended stay. My husband spent time looking at the hospital’s financial, donation, charity information (which is all disclosed, something my husband approves of heartily) and he said he wanted to donate. I agreed. The end of the year is here and my husband asked what I thought we should donate.

A few years ago I suggested we pay net tithing instead of gross and my husband disagreed. Because I don’t work, I let it go – technically the money is his and it wasn’t a hill I wanted to die on. However, when he asked about the donation I made the suggestion that since the children’s hospital is so important to us and our family, we take the difference in our tithing between gross and net and donate it to the hospital, leaving tithing to be paid on net. Husband agreed.

I feel like this is a big win. A few years ago the idea that we wouldn’t pay tithing on gross was unthinkable. The lack of financial transparency is probably one of his biggest issues with the church. It ends up the amount we’ll donate is a fairly substantial donation (since we’re looking at percentage of income) and the hospital will thank us by invitation to some events and putting our name on something or other. Although it isn’t necessary and not the reason we’re doing it, it’s a lot more thanks and appreciation than the church ever gave us, and we get to choose exactly which programs and uses the money goes to.

Also, because of the change in tax law, husband has agreed to not pay tithing until next year (to put two years worth of tithing together tax-wise) and I suggested waiting to pay until next December with the hope I can minimize the amount within the next year. All in all, not too bad.
The true opposite of order is not disorder but freedom. Most profoundly, the true opposite of control is not chaos but self-control. -Jay Griffiths

aoirselvar
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Re: A tithing victory?

Post by aoirselvar » Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:50 pm

That’s progress! My wife and I have a tithing compromise. I have always told her my money is her money. She doesn’t work because some of our kids are so young, her choice. So, when I told her I don’t want to pay tithing anymore she said something like “oh, so it really is just your money”. She had me there, so our compromise, we pay on her half, 5%. That’s 5% too much in my opinion, but I am also committed to this marriage. So, hopefully we’ll be able to make progress on this in the future.


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Hagoth
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Re: A tithing victory?

Post by Hagoth » Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:41 pm

aoirselvar wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:50 pm
She had me there, so our compromise, we pay on her half, 5%. That’s 5% too much in my opinion, but I am also committed to this marriage. So, hopefully we’ll be able to make progress on this in the future.
We did something similar. I suggested that we each pay 5% to whatever charities our conscience told us to contribute to, that could be the church or something else - no judgement. I felt so good giving my 5% to good causes that were not the LDS church. Now that I'm a semi-retired full time student that 5% is technically zero but I still donate to a couple of worthy causes. Mrs. Hagoth has her own part time income and follows her own moral compass regarding how much of that goes to the COB and how much to her own causes. We are both completely happy with the arrangement.

Once a couple learns that they can compromise on tithing it opens all kinds of new doors for healthy compromise.
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

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MerrieMiss
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Re: A tithing victory?

Post by MerrieMiss » Sat Dec 08, 2018 12:49 pm

aoirselvar wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:50 pm
That’s progress! My wife and I have a tithing compromise. I have always told her my money is her money. She doesn’t work because some of our kids are so young, her choice. So, when I told her I don’t want to pay tithing anymore she said something like “oh, so it really is just your money”. She had me there, so our compromise, we pay on her half, 5%. That’s 5% too much in my opinion, but I am also committed to this marriage. So, hopefully we’ll be able to make progress on this in the future.
Yeah, he says the money is our money and it's true, he's not a heavy handed authoritarian patriarch or anything (and any issue I have with it is on my side for feeling like I'm a non-contributor), but I think if I brought up not paying on my 5%, there would be some serious cog dis about just how the money is ours and not his. I really wasn't in a place to push it a couple years ago. I have no intention of paying on my income when I begin working again.
Hagoth wrote:
Fri Dec 07, 2018 8:41 pm
Once a couple learns that they can compromise on tithing it opens all kinds of new doors for healthy compromise.
There's a lot of truth in that. Money is such a huge issue in marriage. I feel pretty good that we're on the same page generally. I kind of feel like I'm carefully leading him down to hell. I mean, once you consider paying to an organization that is transparent or paying net and not gross, you might move on to just paying on surplus and it's just a slippery slope to paying nothing at all. :lol:
The true opposite of order is not disorder but freedom. Most profoundly, the true opposite of control is not chaos but self-control. -Jay Griffiths

Anon70
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Re: A tithing victory?

Post by Anon70 » Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:48 pm

With the new tax changes I don’t want to pay at all but my DH cringed at that. And so we continue to pay 10% on his which is over double what I would consider 10% on surplus and thousands more than I want to give them (which is 0). But I had amazing tithing convos with some close family members and they both confided they are now paying anonymously and only on surplus. This from hard core gross only payers not even a year ago. It makes me hope the rumors of 40% declines in tithing income for the church are true.

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Hagoth
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Re: A tithing victory?

Post by Hagoth » Sat Dec 08, 2018 3:22 pm

Anon70 wrote:
Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:48 pm
It makes me hope the rumors of 40% declines in tithing income for the church are true.
Maybe that's the best explanation for the sudden appearance of giving machines that are mentioned in another thread.
“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” -Mark Twain

Thoughtful
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Re: A tithing victory?

Post by Thoughtful » Sat Dec 08, 2018 5:10 pm

New tax law will be interesting to see how it impacts revenue. We are not paying anymore due to money being used to defend predators.

However, if we were, the alternating years is brilliant.

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John G.
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Re: A tithing victory?

Post by John G. » Sun Dec 09, 2018 3:43 pm

I can’t even image paying on gross! 10% of gross income is so much money for everyone! Even net is alot. 10% is alot relative to anyone’s income.

I really couldn’t even give that amount to charity. When we have extra $$ it goes first into our emergency savings, then to kids college, then to retirement accounts. A few years back I was unemployed for a time and that emergency savings saved us! (If we were still active the church never would have helped as as much as our emergency savings did!)

I do donate $10 a month to Mormon Stories. That podcast has been very helpful in my transition out of the church!
"If your children are taught untruths on evolution in the public schools or even in our Church schools, provide them with a copy of President Joseph Fielding Smith's excellent rebuttal in his book Man, His Origin and Destiny."

Ezra Taft Benson

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redjay
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Re: A tithing victory?

Post by redjay » Sun Dec 09, 2018 4:10 pm

Earlier this year agreed with DW to pay on surplus. Now that's a result :)
At the halfway home. I'm a full-grown man. But I'm not afraid to cry.

Wonderment
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Re: A tithing victory?

Post by Wonderment » Sun Dec 09, 2018 9:40 pm

I feel like this is a big win. A few years ago the idea that we wouldn’t pay tithing on gross was unthinkable. The lack of financial transparency is probably one of his biggest issues with the church. It ends up the amount we’ll donate is a fairly substantial donation (since we’re looking at percentage of income) and the hospital will thank us by invitation to some events and putting our name on something or other. Although it isn’t necessary and not the reason we’re doing it, it’s a lot more thanks and appreciation than the church ever gave us, and we get to choose exactly which programs and uses the money goes to.
:) I agree - this does feel like a big win. It is so liberating to choose which programs and uses the money goes to, as you say. Congratulations on a real step forward. - Wndr.

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