NOM

SALT LAKE CITY - Even The Church of Jesus Christ has released details of its revolutionary new member recruitment procedure.

A new member receives Mormon truth stimulus via electrode attachments

This new procedure being conducted at the Intermountain Health Care Center in Murray, Utah will hopefully stem the tide of flat growth for the former Mormon Church. Dr. Egon H. Spengler, of the First Quorum of LDS Experimental Surgeons, hopes that the new trial of electrode implantations will result in an entirely new breed of converts who will remain active and impervious to the historical information now plaguing the current generation of LDS Millennials. Dr. Spengler adds, "So far the Brethren are very happy with our work. We aim to make them even happier with new converts who will stand to attention even before the Brethren enter a room".