Baby Steps

This is for encouragement, ideas, and support for people going through a faith transition no matter where you hope to end up. This is also the place to laugh, cry, and love together.
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Anon70
Posts: 581
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 11:56 pm

Baby Steps

Post by Anon70 » Sat Nov 09, 2019 11:53 pm

Read through some of my posts over the years here. It’s not a new realization but the reason my husband is ok with my faith crisis is because I have totally given in and for all intents and purposes am an active member.

So today I reminded him that when the youngest is an adult in a few years I will no longer be active. I talked about all the things I look forward to doing. His first comment was that it made him sad. When I asked him if he actually enjoyed Mormonism he had to think about it. No, Sunday’s aren’t always uplifting or even interesting but he likes it. So I acknowledged that the community and people are lovely and promised I wouldn’t be an outspoken apostate but rather a quiet pleasant inactive which reassured him. He doesn’t want me ex’d in case a) I change my mind or b) I need to go to the temple for one of the kids.

I think he will be active and I think he will try to guilt and manipulate me at least initially but I think this approach of reclaiming my autonomy and agency while allowing him to live the life he wants felt healthy. I’ve got a few years of giving in but with a purpose and an exit plan. And it was the first time a talk about my faith crisis didn’t result in the silent treatment or hurt feelings.

Progress.

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Palerider
Posts: 1501
Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2016 8:44 am

Re: Baby Steps

Post by Palerider » Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:30 am

Anon70 wrote:
Sat Nov 09, 2019 11:53 pm
Read through some of my posts over the years here. It’s not a new realization but the reason my husband is ok with my faith crisis is because I have totally given in and for all intents and purposes am an active member.

So today I reminded him that when the youngest is an adult in a few years I will no longer be active. I talked about all the things I look forward to doing. His first comment was that it made him sad. When I asked him if he actually enjoyed Mormonism he had to think about it. No, Sunday’s aren’t always uplifting or even interesting but he likes it. So I acknowledged that the community and people are lovely and promised I wouldn’t be an outspoken apostate but rather a quiet pleasant inactive which reassured him. He doesn’t want me ex’d in case a) I change my mind or b) I need to go to the temple for one of the kids.

I think he will be active and I think he will try to guilt and manipulate me at least initially but I think this approach of reclaiming my autonomy and agency while allowing him to live the life he wants felt healthy. I’ve got a few years of giving in but with a purpose and an exit plan. And it was the first time a talk about my faith crisis didn’t result in the silent treatment or hurt feelings.

Progress.
Wish sometimes I could talk to your husband. :|

Might just make things worse.

But I'm glad he's at least not shutting you out anymore. That is a small but good sign.
"There is but one straight course, and that is to seek truth and pursue it steadily."

"Truth will ultimately prevail where there is pains to bring it to light."

George Washington

Keewon
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2019 4:01 pm

Re: Baby Steps

Post by Keewon » Sun Nov 10, 2019 3:41 pm

I think for many people it's like being in a warm bath. Not a really pleasant hot bath, but just that temperature where it's no longer really enjoyable, but once you get out you're going to be cold, looking for a towel, having to search through a basket of clothes if (like me) you're not really good about doing all these things beforehand. IOW, it's not that the bath is all that much fun, it's just that the transition isn't something to look forward to.

It brings to mind the 60's-ish song by the British comedy team Flanders and Swann, "In the Bath":
[Then there comes that dreadful moment when the water's running cold,
...
When the soap is lost forever and you're feeling tired and old,
...
It's time to pull the plug out,
Time to mop the bathroom floor.
The towel is in the cupboard,
And the cupboard is next door.
All our best wishes in this transition. It sounds like you have the patience, persistence and empathy to make it work. :)

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MoPag
Posts: 1928
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2016 2:05 pm

Re: Baby Steps

Post by MoPag » Mon Nov 11, 2019 7:06 am

Yay for progress!!!

Keewon wrote:
Sun Nov 10, 2019 3:41 pm
I think for many people it's like being in a warm bath. Not a really pleasant hot bath, but just that temperature where it's no longer really enjoyable, but once you get out you're going to be cold, looking for a towel, having to search through a basket of clothes if (like me) you're not really good about doing all these things beforehand. IOW, it's not that the bath is all that much fun, it's just that the transition isn't something to look forward to.

It brings to mind the 60's-ish song by the British comedy team Flanders and Swann, "In the Bath":
[Then there comes that dreadful moment when the water's running cold,
...
When the soap is lost forever and you're feeling tired and old,
...
It's time to pull the plug out,
Time to mop the bathroom floor.
The towel is in the cupboard,
And the cupboard is next door.
All our best wishes in this transition. It sounds like you have the patience, persistence and empathy to make it work. :)
^^This is a freaking amazing analogy!
...walked eye-deep in hell
believing in old men’s lies...--Ezra Pound

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Mormorrisey
Posts: 673
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 6:54 pm

Re: Baby Steps

Post by Mormorrisey » Mon Nov 11, 2019 8:19 am

Great report, Anon. And I agree, this is definitely progress - and I think it's extremely important to let the other partner know what your future plans are, and sketch it out for him like that. For the life of me I can't understand why anyone who has seen a faith crisis up close, like a spouse, can ever imagine the person going through a faith crisis will "snap out of it," forget all that they've learned, pretend it doesn't exist, and "come back." Boggles my mind.

This sad heaven thing has to go - but clearly it's the best weapon they have to manipulate us. Kudos to you for not only NOT taking the bait, but switching the question around gently to get him thinking. I'll have to remember that!
"And I don't need you...or, your homespun philosophies."
"And when you try to break my spirit, it won't work, because there's nothing left to break."

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Linked
Posts: 994
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 4:04 pm

Re: Baby Steps

Post by Linked » Mon Nov 11, 2019 3:37 pm

Sounds like a great step! Letting your believing husband know your plans ahead of time will make it much easier when the time comes.
"I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out. Let others bring order to chaos. I would bring chaos to order" - Kurt Vonnegut

Anon70
Posts: 581
Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 11:56 pm

Re: Baby Steps

Post by Anon70 » Mon Nov 11, 2019 7:38 pm

Thanks all!! I worried there would be backlash but instead he suggested I leave during 2nd hour yesterday and take our daughter home. Maybe this is the beginning of the new us!

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