Really frustrated lately...

Discussions about negotiating relationships between faithful LDS believers and the apostates who love them. This applies in particular to mixed-faith marriages, but relations with children, parents, siblings, friends, and ward members is very welcome.
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alas
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Joined: Mon Oct 17, 2016 2:10 pm

Re: Really frustrated lately...

Post by alas » Thu Sep 03, 2020 2:06 pm

You know, my husband accepted where I am when I convinced him I had no need to take away his beliefs. I wasn’t trying to convince him he was wrong, so he relaxed his guard. So, I am wondering how your wife would react if you told her, “I Have decided that I don’t want to prove to you that the church is not what it claims to be. I don’t think it is what you want. I think you only asked me to because you don’t believe I can, not that you want me to. So I won’t cause problems by trying. You see yourself as a good person because of the church, and I Don’t want to try to take away who you see yourself as. You say that the good things about you are because you are Mormon, so although I *think* you would be a great person without the church, I don’t really *know* who you would be without the church. I do know you are a great person with the church, so I am not going to try to change that. I can accept that being Mormon is something you want. So, I am going to TRY to support you in that. If you ever feel that I am undermining that, let me know, because supporting you in something I don’t believe is hard. What I won’t do, because it isn’t good for me, is be Mormon with you.”

So, I am just wondering out loud over here. Ignore me if I am off base on this.

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jfro18
Posts: 1547
Joined: Mon Apr 23, 2018 8:41 pm

Re: Really frustrated lately...

Post by jfro18 » Fri Sep 04, 2020 1:35 pm

alas wrote:
Thu Sep 03, 2020 2:06 pm
You know, my husband accepted where I am when I convinced him I had no need to take away his beliefs. I wasn’t trying to convince him he was wrong, so he relaxed his guard. So, I am wondering how your wife would react if you told her, “I Have decided that I don’t want to prove to you that the church is not what it claims to be. I don’t think it is what you want. I think you only asked me to because you don’t believe I can, not that you want me to. So I won’t cause problems by trying. You see yourself as a good person because of the church, and I Don’t want to try to take away who you see yourself as. You say that the good things about you are because you are Mormon, so although I *think* you would be a great person without the church, I don’t really *know* who you would be without the church. I do know you are a great person with the church, so I am not going to try to change that. I can accept that being Mormon is something you want. So, I am going to TRY to support you in that. If you ever feel that I am undermining that, let me know, because supporting you in something I don’t believe is hard. What I won’t do, because it isn’t good for me, is be Mormon with you.”
This is effectively what we were doing... I just ignored church stuff and talked with people about it who have left, and she obviously reads DezNat people and has constant reinforcement from her family.

But what drives me insane is that she's teaching our kid this stuff where if I were to add any historical context I'd be the bad person and, what really brought this on, is that she was constantly undercutting basic science because of the church as well as getting upset that LGBT people were getting protections from the Supreme Court because the church doesn't want it.

I'm not sure what to do with that to be honest, and that's what made me so frustrated... hearing some of the same arguments made that DezNat people make online also makes me want to cry because that's not who she is, but it's who she thinks she needs to be.

Once I finish this document she asked for (it's going to take a long time) I'm going to present it to her in the way you mentioned - effectively telling her that if she doesn't ever want to read it, that's fine, but that she should never read it until she's ready for it and that I'm OK if she's never ready to read it. But at the same time, I do want to be able to explain these things to our kid when he has questions... and that's where we keep running into problems.

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