Looks like I had my last day

[oliver_denom]

So this was unexpected.

I had reduced my church involvement down to one hour of sacrament where I would play the organ and go home. No recommend, no other calling, that's it. As far as I knew a week ago, I could have kept this going indefinitely, but then they announced a stake realignment. Wards were combined and the new one already has an organist. I'm not going to accept any other callings, and now I've got no reason to attend sacrament.

Just like that, I'm out. It seems to have happened suddenly, but not really. I guess this has been the plan all along, to quietly back away and disappear with little notice or effort. So that's that. I didn't have to ask for a release, and I literally have to do nothing in order to maintain my current inactivity.

I feel like I took advantage of the fact that Mormon communities, at least outside of Utah, are so ephemeral. There's an implicit understanding that nothing in a ward is permanent, and that the apparent order or structure of the place could be torn down at any moment. It has the effect, I think, of pushing people toward placing trust and loyalty in the organization instead of the local community, because the brethren are the only thing that stays constant. Your friendships, callings, and even family relationships will come and go, get moved around, and broken apart, but the brethren are forever. So all I really needed to do in order to quietly fall through the cracks is to position myself to do so, and then allow the church to be itself. When a boundary changes, all contracts are voided, and the people who used to feel "responsible" for your family are happily relieved of the burden, and the next people "responsible" for your family have not yet been assigned.

When the ward gets dissolved, like a controlled burn in a forest, it acts as a control against alternate forms of authority. No tradition can last which doesn't belong to the larger church, and no one can seize any authority based on familiarity or history. It all falls apart by design, and because of that, I can fall away too, unnoticed, but happy.

[Anon70]

This really resonated with me. I was in a ward for almost two decades. When we moved I "knew" I'd stay in touch with all of our "friends". Never heard from anyone despite reaching out many times. Forced relationships indeed.

What you say about culture and traditions ending because of these changes is so true and I never really thought about it as intentional--to maintain the focus and devotion to the leaders and organization.

Excellent post!!

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

The forest fire lifecycle example is so spot on! One thing I try to remember mentally is that other people in the church aren't really thinking or talking about me except when assigned to or when I'm viewed on a list or in a ward council meeting. I try to remember how much I thought about certain individuals I considered heretical or inactive when I was a TBM in a position of authority. I didn't give them much thought at all unless "assigned". Out of sight out of mind. This has a calming effect now.

[Mormorrisey]

A very interesting post, and bang on. The loyalty to the organization, not the people in it, is the watchword of the day.

I remember we had a stake re-alignment some years ago, and we had a huge meeting with all the bishops of the affected wards, and we went through ward lists to identify people who might have an oliver moment, and slip through the cracks. That meeting went on for nearly 4 hours, and in the end, nearly everyone we identified as likely people to slip through the cracks, actually slipped through the cracks a few weeks later. Not one person in that meeting, including me, even questioned WHY we forcing people to move to other wards away from their friends and acquaintances, or new converts who were being ripped away from their support system. It was an exercise in unquestioning obedience to our local leaders, which in turn meant unquestioning obedience to the brethren. That's really what the ward system is all about.

I have no doubt, either, that your absence won't be noted until a few weeks, then you will be love-bombed without mercy for a couple of weeks. Then when they realize that won't work, they'll move on to more compliant victims. The pattern is undeniable.

[oliver_denom]

I try to remember how much I thought about certain individuals I considered heretical or inactive when I was a TBM in a position of authority. I didn't give them much thought at all unless "assigned". Out of sight out of mind. This has a calming effect now.

I think one of the mistakes people make when regarding Mormonism is that it's just a church people attend. Mormonism isn't a place, or even a lifestyle at its core, it's an immersive experience. It is the singular lens through which all reality is viewed and interpreted. It is the only thing which binds people together, and is therefore the only thing it's acceptable to form attachments too. You do not form attachments to your possessions, to your time, talents, friends, family, or callings. The church may not take these things, but it lays claim to them, it makes you understand that they aren't yours.

In the days of polygamy, this was reinforced through speeches about women and children being objects that could be taken from one man and given to another. That threat is even alive today, but it's pushed off until after death where the worthy can be given away to someone who deserves them. All mandatory service is a reminder that your work and time belong to something else. This may take the form of home / visiting teaching, either giving or receiving a visit, janitorial services, service projects, speaking assignments, callings, and anything else which is issued through authority and not personal requests. Recommends, required for status positions and saving ordinances, are like licenses which remind us that we aren't able to determine our own worthiness or judge our own relationship with God. The manuals, correlated materials, rules governing meetings, presiding officers who correct, and the church handbook are reminders that Mormonism cannot be individually interpreted, and that doctrine can only ever be memorized and repeated. Family life is dominated by programs, and even our own children are taken from us to a certain extent because they are a church commodity.

In a very real sense, it's difficult to make individual connections in the church, because every structure within the religion has the aim of destroying the individual for the purpose of aligning and combining them with whole. This is the church's principle draw, it's main selling point. Joining with something bigger than you is a way of escaping individual burdens of responsibility and the viciousness of life. It's an all consuming shield against everything that's terrifying about living, and because of this, there are trade offs. If you want to gain the all encompassing power and protection of something bigger than yourself, then you have to give yourself up to it. You have to lay the self aside and choose to be consumed. It's this complete consumption that the church aims to enable, and for those who achieve this, it's difficult to see anything or anyone else. It's like a person who has gone blind by staring into the sun. Even if they look away, all they can see is the after image.

[Red Ryder]

Congrats Oliver!

Unfortunately for us this means you'll (continue) slipping away from here too? This happens when people finally make their exit and it is a well deserved right of passage. Great NOM posters like Stealth, HIPS, GOR, Emiskimo, Jenny, and 500+ other wonderful people who have touched our lives throughout the last few years. I have to say your wisdom and lengthy posts have been missed and it's a tragedy we couldn't get them back from the old board. We've watched and read as you slowly and methodically disconnected from Mormonism over the last couple of years. The good news is life is beautiful on Sundays. Enjoy them with your family now.

[Mormorrisey]

In a very real sense, it's difficult to make individual connections in the church, because every structure within the religion has the aim of destroying the individual for the purpose of aligning and combining them with whole. This is the church's principle draw, it's main selling point. Joining with something bigger than you is a way of escaping individual burdens of responsibility and the viciousness of life. It's an all consuming shield against everything that's terrifying about living, and because of this, there are trade offs. If you want to gain the all encompassing power and protection of something bigger than yourself, then you have to give yourself up to it. You have to lay the self aside and choose to be consumed. It's this complete consumption that the church aims to enable, and for those who achieve this, it's difficult to see anything or anyone else. It's like a person who has gone blind by staring into the sun. Even if they look away, all they can see is the after image.

This is something I have not considered in depth. This is an excellent synopsis of why some have no issue giving up their individuality to support the whole, and while some rage against this loss of self. I've always had issues with church culture and the worship of the institution rather than Jesus, and the manipulation/shame culture of mormonism. (Sorry D. Todd, the "world's" shame culture was perfected by the institution you help run.) In that way, perhaps the church is right. I was never all in, and my loss of "testimony" is just proof of that. Either way, I'm a lot happier.

[MerrieMiss]

I may be interpreting this incorrectly, but you seem rather pleased about this turn of events. In that case, I have to say congratulations for being able to move on, or at least, having no reason to stay.

Joining with something bigger than you is a way of escaping individual burdens of responsibility and the viciousness of life. It's an all consuming shield against everything that's terrifying about living, and because of this, there are trade offs. If you want to gain the all encompassing power and protection of something bigger than yourself, then you have to give yourself up to it. You have to lay the self aside and choose to be consumed.

This is so perfectly stated. The more I distance myself from the church, both mentally and physically, the more I can see just how much I gave of myself, lost myself, and gave the church responsibility for the terrifying parts of life. Thanks for saying this. I really hope you stick around as I appreciate so much of what you write here.

[Corsair]

When the ward gets dissolved, like a controlled burn in a forest, it acts as a control against alternate forms of authority. No tradition can last which doesn't belong to the larger church, and no one can seize any authority based on familiarity or history. It all falls apart by design, and because of that, I can fall away too, unnoticed, but happy.

With the dissolution of your LDS community, are you planning on finding a new community? Perhaps there is one that might even pay you for your organist skills. Do you have any desire to find a new tribe in either church or the community? I've never really had the chance to consider what I could do with a free Sunday so I'm interested in your plans.

[oliver_denom]

With the dissolution of your LDS community, are you planning on finding a new community? Perhaps there is one that might even pay you for your organist skills. Do you have any desire to find a new tribe in either church or the community? I've never really had the chance to consider what I could do with a free Sunday so I'm interested in your plans.

Unfortunately I'm not at a skill level where someone would pay me. I'm considered good by local LDS standards, but not that good.

As for a new community, I think I'll follow this advice:

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

There's no need to rush out and replace Mormonism. It's enough to handle the day, and I think there's less need of a replacement than I may have initially felt. I've got my family, I have co-workers, a writers group I sometimes attend, and I have some friends. For now, that's enough. I think rushing out to find another group may actually prevent some development in that not finding "the right place" causes us to continually externalizing things that we have to work out on the inside. The idea that there's a correct physical spot you have to occupy, or that there's a particular group you have to belong to is a part of a myth that never really worked well for me to begin with.

I had an interesting dream the other night. I dreamed that I was marrying the daughter of a professor I admire, someone I respect. Of course, he doesn't actually have a daughter, and I'm already married, but symbolically the marriage would have made him my father. I spent a lot of the dream trying to win his approval, and he wouldn't grant it. It hadn't occurred to me that I was still seeking and wanting approval from my own father in particular, and from male authority figures in general. The dream helped me recognize that a large part of my yearning to stay within the church was to get this, to be validated by this particular group. But why this particular group? A father makes sense in as much as we all want to please our parents, but why a generalized approval from patriarchs outside the family? It's not much of a mystery to us, it's something ingrained within our psyche, one of the the most repetitive and early lessons of our childhood. We as individuals are not enough. We as families are not enough. We need the approval from our elders, our betters, our priesthood leaders.

So I don't think it's an accident that this dream came to me now, as it appears that I'm leaving for good, or at least for now. I have to recognize that yearning for what it is, accept it, and begin to live life without its fulfillment. Once that particular want has subsided, then maybe something else will emerge. What it might be...I have no idea, but I'm optimistic, and have become a firm believer in patience. I believe the human mind, or spirit if you want to call it that, knows what it needs, and if we're quiet enough to listen, then those needs are made known in their own place and time. All I need to do is learn how to be quiet and to keep living life, contending with the evils of the day, and not worrying so much for the morrow.

[Korihor]

I not sure whether or not to offer congratulations, but I will offer sympathies. Even if your eventual plan was to fade away, to me this still sounds like youve been tossed aside.

Prior to my transition, i thought the only people that faded away wanted to do so, but now i see members are consumable commodities.

[Thoughtful]

With the dissolution of your LDS community, are you planning on finding a new community? Perhaps there is one that might even pay you for your organist skills. Do you have any desire to find a new tribe in either church or the community? I've never really had the chance to consider what I could do with a free Sunday so I'm interested in your plans.

Unfortunately I'm not at a skill level where someone would pay me. I'm considered good by local LDS standards, but not that good.

I was offered $300/ Sunday to play for another church. I can eke out hymns on the organ, assuming there's a bass coupler. You might be surprised who might hire you. Organists are getting hard to find.

[MoPag]

What it might be...I have no idea, but I'm optimistic, and have become a firm believer in patience. I believe the human mind, or spirit if you want to call it that, knows what it needs, and if we're quiet enough to listen, then those needs are made known in their own place and time. All I need to do is learn how to be quiet and to keep living life, contending with the evils of the day, and not worrying so much for the morrow.

This is beautiful. And great advice for all NOMs

It's also probably why the church likes to fill our minds with shame, guilt and feelings of inadequacy. If our minds are always weighed down we will never gain that peace and knowledge.

[Charlotte]

I love this post. Thanks for putting it so well.

I've wondered how LDS life compares to Catholic life. They have parrish boundaries and strong priesthood authority, necessary sacraments, etc. But anymore it seems that most Catholics can have the kind of relationship to their church that I wish I could have to Mormonism. Is it just a matter of time passing?

Growing up I looked enviously at my Catholic friends' experience. (However, none of them were vulnerable to priestly sex abuse...)

[achilles]

Congrats.

Your description of the organizational culture of the Church is stark and sickening. I am beginning to think this concept of people being essentially "interchangeable parts" is a real drawback. And not a good feature of a healthy community.

[Jinx]

Very well put. I have felt this many times in my life but never put it into words. Several times I have been robbed of friends by a boundary change. It's disheartening and disconcerting. My poor mother-in-law is 82 years old and recently got moved into a new ward where she knows no one. I told her to just keep going to her old ward but she's been drinking the obedience koolaid for too long.

I am extremely jealous that you've been able to fade away. I'm hoping to move some time soon and complete the break then.

[Jenny]

Oliver, I wish you well in your next phase. New challenges may arise over time, but hopefully they are outnumbered by new opportunities.
<3