Dealing with the isolation

[LostGirl]

How do you deal with the feelings of isolation when all of the friends you had are stalwart members and you've become aware that they are talking about you, and all of your family are stalwart members, and your husband is pretty great but probably in denial about how far out you'd like to be? And you've chosen to stay for the many and varied reasons that people here are familiar with, but you feel like you don't belong, and when you discover that others are talking about you it just makes you feel even more alone. Then when you do see your friends you wonder what else they've been saying behind your back and so you start to pull away from them too. When you are an introvert it's not so easy to just go out and get new friends. I know so many of you are walking this same road and it helps to know I am not the only one but I am still feeling very alone today.

[Thoughtful]

How do you deal with the feelings of isolation when all of the friends you had are stalwart members and you've become aware that they are talking about you, and all of your family are stalwart members, and your husband is pretty great but probably in denial about how far out you'd like to be? And you've chosen to stay for the many and varied reasons that people here are familiar with, but you feel like you don't belong, and when you discover that others are talking about you it just makes you feel even more alone. Then when you do see your friends you wonder what else they've been saying behind your back and so you start to pull away from them too. When you are an introvert it's not so easy to just go out and get new friends. I know so many of you are walking this same road and it helps to know I am not the only one but I am still feeling very alone today.

I feel your pain. A "friend" dropped off cookies the other day, while "on my way to S's house to plan C's birthday party with S, A, and M." Have fun with that. Im beimg excluded socially. I decided to host a girls night wth friends from church and no one showed. I could do things with work friends but they drink and I don't, so I feel like they're doing me a favor if they come over, and if we go out, I'm like a third wheel kinda.

Finding a middle way is hard. Most people do not want to be challenged, so no one has been rude, they just kinda took me off their radar. Im not even "out"... just much more interested in the why's than the rules. Also, I'm the only one in the entire ward my age, everyone is 7+ years younger or older.

Im not sure how to deal. I have one good friend who is a nuanced thinker but she's a recent convert.

[Red Ryder]

I have that problem. I don't hang out with anyone from my ward which is mostly ok since I don't have much in common with any of them. Besides, most have family or close friends from living in the neighborhood for 25 years so most of our ward people don't really hang out anyway.

The really hard part for me is realizing my disbelief turned my spouse into a social leper with church people. So we do a lot of things by ourselves or with family.

I think the answer is to work at building a new life outside of church by going out and doing the things you love and other hobbies and meeting people that way. It's tough when you're an introvert but it can be done.

[oliver_denom]

I'm very introverted myself, so I feel your pain. Friends are rare commodities and can't be replaced over night. Given that, I would suggest you keep reminding yourself that it's temporary. Make a plan to get involved in new activities, hobbies, or other groups that match your interests. Over time, maybe years, you'll slowly develop new relationships and friends. For example, I found a local writers group that meets to share their work. From that I've learned about poetry readings, performances, and all sorts of other activities that have surrounded me with beauty I wouldn't have ever found if I kept only to what I knew.

A part of this is going through a grieving process because you can't really have a friendship with someone who pities your situation, thinks of you as less than, or in need of saving. Maybe they'll come around in the future, but you can't expect a friendship that's rooted in church activity to continue after leaving, or to transcend the religion. Sometimes you have to just let it go.

The up side to bring an introvert is that we do very well with alone time. This temporary time in solitude is an excellent opportunity to think, reflect, read, and re-imagine the future.

Don't ever confuse difficult with impossible, or mistake months for a lifetime.

[LostGirl]

The up side to bring an introvert is that we do very well with alone time. This temporary time in solitude is an excellent opportunity to think, reflect, read, and re-imagine the future.

Very true, and the irony is that I prefer my own company, but still feel hurt and isolated.

You are all right about needing to pursue other interests to build friendships in other arenas. I think I am just having a pity party day.

[Reuben]

The up side to bring an introvert is that we do very well with alone time. This temporary time in solitude is an excellent opportunity to think, reflect, read, and re-imagine the future.

Very true, and the irony is that I prefer my own company, but still feel hurt and isolated.

You are all right about needing to pursue other interests to build friendships in other arenas. I think I am just having a pity party day.

I say give yourself permission to have a pity party. You've earned it.

[oliver_denom]

The up side to bring an introvert is that we do very well with alone time. This temporary time in solitude is an excellent opportunity to think, reflect, read, and re-imagine the future.

Very true, and the irony is that I prefer my own company, but still feel hurt and isolated.

You are all right about needing to pursue other interests to build friendships in other arenas. I think I am just having a pity party day.

Just imagine how good it will feel to hear the gossip, recognize the social shaming, and then realizing that you actually don't care what they think. After a lifetime of caring about status inside the church, let me tell you, it feels amazing.

[Not Buying It]

I kind of think you should recognize this as an opportunity to find out who your true friends are. People who aren't so friendly if your religious views change aren't really your friends. Losing their friendship isn't much of a loss really, much of what was uniting you was a shared belief in a false view of the world.

[a1986]

I feel so sad reading this. I can completely relate to this as many of us probably can! For me personally, it is already very painful having to admit to myself that I did not make a wise choice in joining the church in the first place and "went through all the steps" and all the effort only to leave everything behind. I do not want people from the old wards we used to attend asking me in the middle of wal-mart while I'm doing my shopping "what happened?" "why don't go to church anymore?" "we miss seeing you!" and then getting the sad eyes / pitying expressions that make me feel like some sort of lost little girl and then inviting me to a new exciting RS event where we decorate cookies with the true intention of "fixing" my poor lost soul. Sorry if I sound bitter but I despise this part of mormon culture. There are truly some wonderful people we've met through the church, but you also get those types I just mentioned.

I have dealt with this by isolating myself from old "friends" and even my husband's family to some extent as I truly just feel like a project and not a person. I was aware many of the people we went to church with were a bit judgmental even when we were going to church, I can't imagine how they'd react knowing we're not attending / not active. I also do not want to deal with having to disappoint people. Not right now at least. I personally have very little support where I live. All of our friends were from church and I can no longer put myself in the position to have to "out" myself to another person who is not supportive or understanding. In order to keep myself sane and protect myself, I feel the best thing I can do right now is just to avoid people that are not in line with my own beliefs and supportive of the direction I've chosen to go in my life. I do not want to engage in conversations where I feel someone slips in their own testimony at the end of our seemingly casual conversation. I do not want to engage in a debate about where I got my "facts" and how I'm actually wrong.

My long-term solution is moving out of state which I am very much looking forward to. Given the small LDS community here, I feel, for my own mental health, well-being and my capacity to "start fresh," moving is the best idea for me.

I wish you all the best and even though I don't know you, support whatever decision you make and your own pace for "outing" yourself. You need to do what feels right and true to you, whatever that might look like. It truly is a very lonely thing to go through, but I've found online communities help along with reaching out to your "allies," no matter how few you might have right now. Good luck!

[moksha]

... the irony is that I prefer my own company, but still feel hurt and isolated.

That is why we need to get a holodeck simulation of a very friendly party or hot tub interaction. When our need for socialization is satisfied, we can simply say "end simulation".

You are never truly alone as long as there are around seven billion other people on this planet and this board is active.

[Red Ryder]

That is why we need to get a holodeck simulation of a very friendly party or hot tub interaction. When our need for socialization is satisfied, we can simply say "end simulation".

Penguin porn?

[MoPag]

Hugs LostGirl!

hugs4Lost.png (239.6 KiB) Viewed 8029 times

I'm feeling the isolation too. I don't have any answers, just internet hugs.

[Linked]

According to Jung,

Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.

I am with you in being lonely. Alone with DW. Alone with parents and siblings. Alone with most friends.

I am lucky enough to have one IRL friend who is going through his own disaffection from the mormon church right now, so we commiserate sometimes. I also have a nephew who doesn't believe, though we don't connect very well. NOM is very therapeutic for the loneliness.

[crossmyheart]

I understand the loneliness. It took a long time for me to feel comfortable in my own skin and to get past the feeling of isolation. I moved shortly after my disaffection. It gave me the perspective I needed to understand that all but 1 of my church friends were only my friends because they were assigned in some capacity- as a VT or as someone I worked with in primary, YW or RS. Once I moved away, all but 1 forgot all about me. The church dictates so many responsibilities that we run out of room for anyone else outside of that parameter, aka ward boundary.

Don't take it personally- they are doing what their stepford-wife programming tells them to do. Move on and find friends who aren't all plugged in to the same drone mentality. Whether it is through the PTA, or a hobby, or work, etc. It will be so nice to find someone to be real with. I have a work BFF- who is a never-mo. She is such a nice sounding board and has no ties to feel responsible to invite me to cookie decorating parties or to give me my once a month VT message.

Happy new year and happy new you!