This is a great thread on AskReddit, insane stories from the Bible.

[Spicy McHaggis]

I've wasted a few hours reading these. It's funny what the OT lesson manuals skip in SS & seminary.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comm ... ible_that/

[Kalikala]

Man, I feel like I need to read my bible more. Some of these are insane!

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

The story of Onan spilling his seed is thought to be the source of the modern puritan doctrine against masturbation. Basically the "every sperm is sacred" concept. Pretty funny thread.

[Hagoth]

The story of Onan spilling his seed is thought to be the source of the modern puritan doctrine against masturbation. Basically the "every sperm is sacred" concept. Pretty funny thread.

And it's pretty hard to see how they could have come to such a conclusion. For one thing "he went in unto his brother's wife" when he "spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother." Coitus interuptus. This story, like just about everything else in the Old Testament is about birthright and inheritance. Onan wanted the sex with his sister-in-law (or at least wanted everyone else to think he was trying to give her kids) but he didn't want her to have children that could lay claim on his brother's inheritance.

[MoPag]

Oh Gods...these are hilarious!!!! Nice find Spicy!!!

[GoodBoy]

I laughed till I cried at some of the comments...

[MoPag]

This was a link from that thread.

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheWokeBible/

It's pretty funny too!

[Hagoth]

This was a link from that thread.

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheWokeBible/

It's pretty funny too!

Then this one pervert was like, guys, hear me out, every year in the Spring I go hide in the bushes and watch all these females dance at a festival just for the ladies. Ya'll motherf*****s can come with me and we will all hide in the bushes and all at once we we'll all jump up and then we'll all grab a b****h and throw them over our shoulders and take them home and rape them and marry them, that way we won't have to be thirsty anymore. And the leaders were like, Alright then bet, lets do this rape thing!

And so thats what they did, they all hid in the bushes and then the festival came through and they all scooped up a female and took them home and raped them, thousands of women got raped and then they made them be their wives. And all the other punk ass dudes were like oh well, I guess they are your problem now. And there was no condemnation or anything else God was just chill with it and thats how the Benjamites got their groove back.

And its EXACTLY how, coincidentally, the BoM priests of King Noah got their groove back!

Ezekiel 23 has a very nasty story about Oholibah who "lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses" and her sister Ohola, who because of her lusting, God handed over to the Assyrians who stole her children and raped and killed her. I can't help wonder if an all-powerful loving God, if he was going to go to the effort of interacting directly in the course of this woman's life, couldn't have figured out a way to inspire her to change her ways, rather than rubbing her out so brutally. Lovely book, the Bible, filled with God's love and compassion and all kinds of stuff you're never going to hear about in Sunday School.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

This was a link from that thread.

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheWokeBible/

It's pretty funny too!

Then this one pervert was like, guys, hear me out, every year in the Spring I go hide in the bushes and watch all these females dance at a festival just for the ladies. Ya'll motherf*****s can come with me and we will all hide in the bushes and all at once we we'll all jump up and then we'll all grab a b****h and throw them over our shoulders and take them home and rape them and marry them, that way we won't have to be thirsty anymore. And the leaders were like, Alright then bet, lets do this rape thing!

And so thats what they did, they all hid in the bushes and then the festival came through and they all scooped up a female and took them home and raped them, thousands of women got raped and then they made them be their wives. And all the other punk ass dudes were like oh well, I guess they are your problem now. And there was no condemnation or anything else God was just chill with it and thats how the Benjamites got their groove back.

And its EXACTLY how the BoM priests of King Noah got their groove back!

Just another story the BOM creates a super version of. Fun find.

[oliver_denom]

No one mentioned Ananias and Sapphira. They were supposed to be living the law of consecration, but these two secretly sold land and kept the money for themselves. Peter finds out about it and strikes them dead on the spot.

[Corsair]

No one mentioned Ananias and Sapphira. They were supposed to be living the law of consecration, but these two secretly sold land and kept the money for themselves. Peter finds out about it and strikes them dead on the spot.

This crazy story does not get repeated often in church. Gospel Doctrine class does include it during the New Testament year as a cautionary tale along with all of the virtue signalling claims about the blessings of tithing. This is one more thing that I don't bring up in class. Am I really in mortal danger when I don't pay tithing or live the law of consecration? Did God simply need to "send a message" by taking out these two people?

I was an executive secretary in a bishopric when the finance clerk was discovered to be defrauding the church through improper disbursements of fast offerings. I can assure you that while he was quickly ecommunicated, he absolutely did not die.

[oliver_denom]

I can assure you that while he was quickly ecommunicated, he absolutely did not die.

I guess the Stake President just wasn't faithful enough.

[nibbler]

I was an executive secretary in a bishopric when the finance clerk was discovered to be defrauding the church through improper disbursements of fast offerings. I can assure you that while he was quickly ecommunicated, he absolutely did not die.

Give it 40 or 50 years and I bet he dies.

God is hard core and knows that revenge is a dish best served cold... like really cold.

[GoodBoy]

Post:
Remember Joseph and his coat of many colors? His siblings did a lot.
A man once slept with/raped one of their sisters. The man then asked Joseph's family to marry the girl. The brothers agreed, but said that the man and his entire village/tribe would need to get circumcised first.
So all the men in the village get circumcised, which means they're bedridden for the next couple days. Once that happened, a couple of Joseph's brothers walked into the village and killed every single man while they were in their beds.

Comment:
The man and his entire village/tribe would need to get circumcised first.
And they agreed? "Yeah, the kids down the road - yeah, you know, the rapist - he's getting married now. Anyhooo, we gotta cut our foreskins off now."

Reply:
If I remember correctly the rapist was the ruler of the city/tribe thing or he was the son of the ruler. He could command his people to do things.

Reply:
Guess who's switching tribes if my leader orders this?

Reply:
"Alright listen up people. We got a few new laws here: taxes are due on the first of the month, you can't leave your camel in a no-parking zone, and all the men have to cut off the tip of their penis."

Reply:
Wait wait wait, hold up.
That's crazy. Did you say taxes are due the FIRST of the month?

Post:
Speaking of foreskins, Saul offered his daughter to David in marriage if he would kill 100 Philistines and bring their foreskins as proof.
David not only did that, but killed twice as many and got all their foreskins

Comment:
Bet David's big ol bag full of foreskins must have just smelled amazing

Comment:
I wonder if Saul meant this as the equivalent of today when people say "suck a bag of dicks".
David: Hey Saul, can I marry your daughter?
Saul: Yeah, go get a bag of dicks, David!
David: uh... like, the whole dick?
Saul: No, just the foreskin <mumbles> idiot
David: oh ok then.

Comment:
* After the 3rd or 4th foreskin collection, David figured out it was easier to kill them first.

[GoodBoy]

Post:
There's a bit in Exodus where God sends Uriel to torment and abuse Moses for not circumcising his Son. Moses was seconds from death when his wife circumcised their son with a rock and laid the foreskin at his feet, sparing his life from grisly archangel murder.
God really seems like a fun, laid-back guy.

[Just This Guy]

Not to mention all the about men getting very obsessed about the state of other men's priesthood antenna. Is it just me, or does the OT have a lot of repressed homosexuality in it?

[Reuben]

Not to mention all the about men getting very obsessed about the state of other men's priesthood antenna. Is it just be, or does the OT have a lot of repressed homosexuality in it?

My family is reading the New Testament. It's amazing how often foreskins come up in Paul's epistles. My kids are actually tired of joking about it.

Paul had a thorn in the flesh. He was never married. He talked about foreskins a lot. Hmm...

[LSOF]

"Circumcision of the heart" is a risible metaphor. (See for example Jeremiah iv: 4.)