Mom is in the hospital today

[StarbucksMom]

Sorry It Vet. I am sorry that so many teachings of the church involve the importance of indoctrinating your children, and all the "failure in the home" garbage. I hope that your mom can get counseling from a really good therapist who will listen to her and help her understand how normal it is for grown children to change or leave the faith of their youth.

I don't know if this would be helpful, but maybe somewhere down the road your dad could show your mom some of the more recent productive church mag articles talking about children who leave. I don't have any links right now, but I am sure some NOM friends do or we could search for some. Another thought I had was that at some point, you could write your mom a letter and tell her how much you appreciate all the good things she taught you growing up, and give examples. You could talk about how even though you no longer believe in all of Mormonism, you have taken away some valuable beliefs like the importance of family, fidelity to your marriage, serving others, things you learned if you served a mission, etc. You could talk about any positive experiences you had in the young men's program, and how they helped shape you into the man you are today. And how if it hadn't been for the Mormon church, you wouldn't have met your wife.

I realize that many have a lot of anger toward the church, but I think it's important sometimes if there is anything positive we can pull from our church upbringing, we can let go of some of the overwhelming negative feelings. I for one am still grateful my family found the church because my parents divorced and it was very bitter, and my mom was abusive. So young women's and my wonderful leaders got me through it all. And because of my experiences, and serving a mission and going to Israel study abroad and some other life changing events, I have not repeated the cycle of abuse with my children. So I am still grateful for the positive things Mormonism did for my life.

Hope your mom is feeling better soon.

[IT_Veteran]

Thank you, I like the idea of writing her a letter when she’s out of crisis mode.

I spoke to my dad this morning. Evidently he got to go sit with her last night and visit for a while. They gave her cafeteria privileges today.

Come to find out she had not been taking her medication all the time and it was over-prescribed (dosage too high and at the wrong times) which may have contributed to her not taking it.

The doc at the facility she’s in now informed her of all of that, adjusted the dosage and timing, and upped her anxiety medication quite a bit. Dad got a call this afternoon from the facility that they will be discharging her tomorrow to come home.

They’re committed to monitoring the medication and staying in therapy.

As for the articles about kids leaving the church, I’m fairly certain she’s read everything on the topic. My brother left 20 years ago, and she had a hard time with it. She went to LDSFS a few years back and they were pretty helpful with those same articles.

I think me being an endowed priesthood holder, who very recently was an EQP, and having a wife and three kids who may also be lost to her in the afterlife may be making it worse.

[Wonderment]

Thank you for the kind words. Small point of clarification - I'm the son. Kalikala is my DW. I've made this mistake on NOM before too, so believe me when I say I know how hard it is to keep everyone's details straight in my mind.

I'm sorry ! Thank you for being a dedicated and loving son, and best wishes also to Kalikala ( such a pretty name ) Wndr.

[Kalikala]

I'm sorry ! Thank you for being a dedicated and loving son, and best wishes also to Kalikala ( such a pretty name ) Wndr.

Thank you

[IT_Veteran]

Okay all, thank you for the support you've shown. I have some more details I'm comfortable sharing with the group. After further conversations with family, there was no attempt made. She evidently broke down after visiting her sister in the nursing home she'd recently placed her in. Anxiety was high enough she couldn't drive, called someone for a ride. That led to her going to the ER, dad not sleeping for more than 36 hours, and her being committed to the psych facility.

She seems to be doing much better now. They straightened out her medication, dad noted she's doing far better than she had been. They had our kids over the weekend. It was preplanned, my dad and sister asked us to still bring them. I was hesitant, but DW and I already had plane tickets, hotel reservations, etc, to fly across the country for my graduation commencement.

We explained to DS and DD that, despite his disaffection with the church, now was not the time to bring it up. If they wanted him to go to church on Sunday, he could play sick or tired or whatever. Well, wife starts getting texts from him just after 1AM that he's uncomfortable. Mom and dad brought the kids down for movie night with popcorn and snacks, soda, etc. Watched a movie - don't know what it was about (can't remember the title). Then proceeded to tell the kids they know that I'll come back to the church someday and we all just need to be examples for your dad.

What. The. F***. I still feel like it's important they get mom's meds straightened out before talking about DS's unbelief. It's ultimately up to him, but he understands how triggering different things can be as he's dealt with depression and anxiety himself and with his friends. I feel like a line has been crossed, but I also know that they really believe this is best for the kids and for me. This is difficult enough to navigate as I hope for my wife and kids to follow me out of the church. Now I feel like my kids' emotional well-being is being endangered because of the conflicting messages they get. At home, they can believe whatever they like, practice however they like. At grandparents homes' they have to be the example for me so I can be saved at some point in the future.

DD's therapist told her three days after I announced my unbelief that this was not her responsibility to fix, that she couldn't fix it, but that she could choose to love me no matter what. We're all on the same page with that. And then my parents, probably in an effort to simply keep the kids in the church, tell them that it's their responsibility to set an example.

F*** this church.

[slavereeno]

IT_Veteran, that sounds incredibly frustrating. Sorry you are having to deal with all this, unfortunately this speaks to it being cult like

[Red Ryder]

In some fashion they are just reflecting their concern for you and your family with limited skills and knowledge of how to deal effectively here.

If you think about it the church doesn't really do much to teach or council it's members how to deal with disaffection. So naturally, the shallow one liner Sunday school answers get parroted since the church doctrine is an inch deep and a mile wide. Don't hold them personally responsible. They just don't know any better since they've been infantilized by the church.

I'd simply tell your kids that grandma and grandpa have good intentions but that you're happy making your own way in life and that you expect your kids to do the same.

Kids today see through the manipulation.

Glad to here she's doing better.

[IT_Veteran]

In some fashion they are just reflecting their concern for you and your family with limited skills and knowledge of how to deal effectively here.

If you think about it the church doesn't really do much to teach or council it's members how to deal with disaffection. So naturally, the shallow one liner Sunday school answers get parroted since the church doctrine is an inch deep and a mile wide. Don't hold them personally responsible. They just don't know any better since they've been infantilized by the church.

I'd simply tell your kids that grandma and grandpa have good intentions but that you're happy making your own way in life and that you expect your kids to do the same.

Kids today see through the manipulation.

Glad to here she's doing better.

That's kind of been my take on it too. I'm pissed, but mostly at the church. Some of the anger is directed at them of course because I think that's only natural. However, I haven't (and won't) probably discuss it with my parents. It's one of those things that they just won't or can't understand. Better odds discussing it with the kids so they can understand where we're coming from and that it's not their responsibility.

[whatififly]

I have been thinking of you and your situation a lot. I really feel for you and hope that your mom is doing better. It really is not your fault that she is struggling, but I understand so well how it could feel like it is. The position that we are left in with our families is so painful and so difficult to navigate. Who's to say what the best course of action is when your beliefs change? Being stuck between hurting family members and being authentic is a terrible place to be. I'm there myself.

Sometimes I can hardly contain the anger I feel for the church's backward teachings about families. Telling people that they cannot be with their family members in heaven if they don't believe is cruel to both the believers and the nonbelievers. At times I am so furious about this, and at other times it just makes me so, so sad. I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this.

[Kalikala]

Sometimes I can hardly contain the anger I feel for the church's backward teachings about families. Telling people that they cannot be with their family members in heaven if they don't believe is cruel to both the believers and the nonbelievers. At times I am so furious about this, and at other times it just makes me so, so sad. I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this.

This has been on my mind a lot lately and is a huge chunk of my FC. I’m sad I never saw it before.