Everything Happens for a Reason

[MerrieMiss]

Before I go on, I’ll say this:
• If this statement brings you comfort and makes you happy, ignore everything I have to say – this post is not for you, so skip it. But even if you find it helpful, it’s extremely hurtful to many people.
• I hope this post doesn’t hurt anyone or open any wounds, it isn’t my intention. I know we all have bad things that happen to us and the ones we love, and we all process and grieve through it in our own ways.

"Everything Happens for a Reason." I really, really hate that phrase and all other meaningless platitudes like unto it. I’ve always hated it. It seems so…oblivious and self-centered. It’s also insensitive and hurtful.

Because when people say this, this is what they are saying: I don’t want to acknowledge your pain, so let me say these words so I can ignore your pain and suffering and don’t have to acknowledge it. And it makes them feel like there is control in this world, can’t discount that.

Why are there people living in poverty? Experiencing war? Dying of terrible diseases? Being abused by parents? Not have enough food to feed their family? Car accident? Lost job? Eviction? Spouse runs off and leaves the family? And why does god find the Mormon’s car keys so they can make it to the Blue & Gold on time - so they can bear testimony of the wonder of god’s power! Oh, it makes me sick.

I’m not saying one can’t find meaning in things or that one can’t make meaning out of anything that happens in life. One can certainly trace many events to find a reason for things. Sure. But sometimes bad things happen, and that is the nature of randomness in the universe. Sometimes bad things happen for a reason. And sometimes the reason isn’t helpful because there are larger forces beyond one’s control such as poverty or politics or history or heredity, etc.

My husband’s sister recently told my husband this regarding our family situation (an absolutely random occurence which I have not posted about yet, because I just don’t know how much I want to share). My husband was smart enough not to relate this to me at the time, he knows me so well. But here’s the thing: I know this sentiment provides comfort for others and I expect to hear it plenty in the coming months ahead, but what am I to do? Do I grin and bear it because I know it makes them feel better? (And ignore the hurt it causes me?) Or do I very kindly let them know that No, things don’t happen for a reason and it is very hurtful to suggest that a terrible thing would befall someone because it makes you feel better? And what about the negative message it sends my kids? Or is this a lost cause, and as with so many other things in life I keep my mouth shut because it isn’t worth my time? I feel like someone somewhere needs to make people understand that when bad things happen, it’s important to listen, validate and “mourn with those that mourn” and not give stupid non-reasons for why things happen. The crappiest feedback I have gotten is from my husband’s family, the best from a friend who just listened and said very little. (I’m so tired of holding back and being polite to save other people from being hurt, while allowing myself to be hurt by stupid sentiments. Does this make any sense?)

Sorry, I just needed to say this to someone, somewhere. Again, I hope I didn’t hurt anyone with this, but while it may make someone feel better, it can make others, like myself, feel worse.

[FiveFingerMnemonic]

This philosophy is predominant in humanity because it's scary to think that we are just going through a life of random tragedy. The Muslims use the phrase "Insha'Allah" as their way of explaining that everything good or bad that happens is God's will. In fact many of the orthodox think insurance is blasphemy because of this concept.

[alas]

I am sorry that people make what you are going through worse with their unthinking platitudes.

As for what you say to them, I suppose like most things, it depends on the relationship. I would be careful with the in laws, but for random people at church, I wouldn't worry about offending their behinds.

I got irritated with this inane platitude once, and I replied, "Often bad things happens so people like you can learn compassion." I walked off and left her staring after me. No, it didn't make me feel any better.

[Ghost]

As you mentioned, I can understand why people find comfort in the belief that someone's in control and everything that happens is somehow ultimately for the best. But the idea of divine intervention (which leads straight to the Problem of Evil) is my number one "faith crisis" issue, above anything else in LDS/Christian history or doctrine.

Whenever someone expresses gratitude to God for something, he or she isn't thinking of the implications for those who have been deprived of that very thing through no fault of their own. And unfortunately, those people are sometimes in earshot.

The other side of this is when people say painful things in connection with tragedy, though of course with no malicious intent. I don't know the best way to tactfully bring this to someone's attention, or whether it's helpful to do so.

[Wonderment]

George Carlin, a popular comedian back in the day, once did a routine on this topic: God's will and the absurdity of saying things like that. His schtick went " Guy is backing his car down his driveway and runs over his dog. OHHHH ! Musta been "God's will." WTF sense does that make ? " It was an edgy routine, but he made his point.

Lots of terrible things happen that are so awful that they make no sense, but religious people try to make the tragedy seem rational by saying, "Everything happens for a reason, so it must be a test from the Lord. Look how the Lord tested Job, yet Job remained faithful, so be like Job." They think that by telling the suffering person that there is a purpose to suffering, that somehow the suffering person will be comforted.

I think they say this mostly to comfort themselves, because they don't know what else to say. I agree with you that these kinds of banal remarks do not really help the situation. Horrible things happen without any logical explanation, and it doesn't help to hear that the Lord is testing us, or the worst platitude ever, IMO -- "God doesn't give us any greater burden than we can handle". Ugh...........
Take care, from Wndr.

[Somegirl]

I’m so glad you posted this. It’s a great reminder to me to try to be a better listener. I agree with wonderment that people say things like this because they are uncomfortable and are trying to make themselves feel better.

[Perfigliano]

Even as a TBM, I hated that phrase. It was riddled with so much magical thinking that I could never take it seriously. I could take one quick look at the world and say, "No. Not everything happens for a reason. Not unless that reason is 'this is just the natural consequence of all that has happened up to that point'"

On the scale of pissing-me-off, it's pretty low. I found "Happiness is a choice" and the idea that being yourself is a sin to both be far more offensive as a nonconformist who struggles with depression.

[deacon blues]

Merrie Miss, I was impressed with the sensitive way you opened the topic. You show real empathy in recognizing that some people find comfort in a phrase that may offend other people. One example is the constant reference to temple ordinances at funerals. I'm reminded that humans often prefer a comforting lie over the painful truth. Personally, I feel that in the long run comforting lies may sometimes be more painful than truth. Anyway, I liked the way you address the topic.

[Fifi de la Vergne]

After my son died, I came across this article, https://whatsyourgrief.com/shattered-assumptions/, which talks about the same issue you're describing, from a slightly different angle. The author describes how one of the most painful parts of a tragedy, aside from the loss itself, is that it shatters our assumptions about the world and our control over events in it.

When someone assumes that “everything happens for a reason” they might correspondingly believe that they have more control over events than they truly do. Also, if a person assumes they live in a “just world” they may believe they can protect themselves from negative experiences by behaving in a way that is “right” or “good”.

I believe that generally, when people say "everything happens for a reason" to someone going through something really hard -- they're trying to reassure themselves, because they want to maintain their belief that they live in benevolent universe and that they can somehow control their own outcomes. It's terrifying to find out that really horrific things can happen randomly and without regard to your righteousness or wickedness. I've thought about this a lot. I believed it at one time, even though the Bible itself offers no such reassurance: your Father in heaven . . . sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous..

I like that you prefaced your observation with the desire not to hurt anyone who still believes that, because I think that people who say and believe such things are basically just terrified to ponder the possibility that they themselves are absolutely vulnerable to all kinds of random sh1tty stuff happening to them. I hate when it seems to fall to me to protect them from that fear and from being made uncomfortable by my tragic experience, but on the other hand I don't have the time or energy to engage enough to educate them.

For whatever you are going through -- I'm so sorry. I'm glad there was someone who was able to sit with you in your struggle and just listen. Those have been the people I've been most grateful for in my life too, and I appreciate your post for reminding me to be that person when need arises.

[Corsair]

Mosiah 18:9

Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

Mosiah isn't tell us why something bad happened. Instead, we get told what would be a better path: Mourn with those that mourn. I'm hardly Buddhist, but Gautama was onto something when he stated the first axiom was simply that life is suffering.

[Red Ryder]

I have nothing better to add until a reason comes up to make it happen!

[MoPag]

Hugs MM!!

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I am totally with you about that phrase.
Down South we hear "It's all part of God's plan." Same thing, but churchier. I need to start responding: "Really? Which God?"

[wtfluff]

How 'bout when the "Everything happens for a reason" platitude is spoken, just reply with: "No, I really don't think so" and just leave it at that?

[didyoumythme]

How 'bout when the "Everything happens for a reason" platitude is spoken, just reply with: "No, I really don't think so" and just leave it at that?

Yes, or as others have said, reply with “yes, prior events have led to these events”. When you break it down like that it really shows how meaningless the statement is.

Everything has meaning only if we assign it meaning.

[slavereeno]

I empathise with this a lot right now. The worst thing is when its used to control people, and it is used to control people in the church all the time. I keep telling DW that I refuse to believe that I am a pawn in some divine chess game getting pushed around in this way. That and the "Reasons" assigned are either "bad stuff happened to humble you and bring you to repentance" or "bad stuff happened to test you because you are faithful" or "God's reason is unknown but will be revealed in some big ah-ha moment in the future." The supposed reason is flexible to fit the narrative and keep you in line.

[dogbite]

I am of the opinion that things do happen for a reason, but not in the way it is used religiously.

The religious usage casts dark shade on the concept of free will as commonly understood. It reinforces predestination.

My view is that we live a deterministic universe. While this doesn't eliminate free will entirely, it does eliminate contra causal free will--the freewill usually discussed in religious terms. To my view, we aren't free to choose anything we want to, rather our set of choices is dictated by what has come before, what we've chosen before.

Some take that a step further https://www.susanblackmore.uk/chapters/ ... free-will/ which is a rather interesting read.

[nibbler]

How 'bout when the "Everything happens for a reason" platitude is spoken, just reply with: "No, I really don't think so" and just leave it at that?

Saw the thread title, assumed the OP would be in the 'for' column of everything happening for a reason, and came to say this... and maybe vent a little. Then I read the OP and saw the base I wanted to cover was already covered.

Everything Happens for a Reason? Yeah, no.

I agree MerrieMiss, people do tend to say this when you've gone through something difficult and they're not sure what to say. One that also gets to me is the "other people have it worse," which is true, it's going to be true in 99% of the cases, there's always someone having a worse day, but it invalidates.

[A New Name]

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[Angel]

Everything has meaning only if we assign it meaning.

I like that, and add - I think it is healthy to assign our own meaning to events, or at least to find ways to make weak things strong, and decide to be refined, rather than crushed by experiences... PTSD or PTGrowth. Is growth possible with everything? I hope so.

[Margarita]

If this was said to me by a random person...I would simply say bull shit. When tragedy strikes..and it is from a family member..I try hard with patience but often say..there is no good reason. You guys are nice..I must be a real stinker!!