Advice please? Update

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Somegirl
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 10:54 am

Advice please? Update

Post by Somegirl »

So usually I don’t answer unknown phone numbers. Tonight I was waiting for a call from the pediatricians office to find out if my child broke his arm, and I was caught off guard thinking maybe they were calling from a different number since it was after hours. I answered the phone, and it was the person who schedules appointments with the bishopric (I still don’t have all the titles down...). He asked if I could meet with the 1st counselor on Sunday, but we have something going on so I told him I couldn’t. He asked about next Sunday, and I just said ok. I was trying to keep my kids from fighting, while making sure my little guy didn’t hurt his arm anymore than it already was, and I was already just very distracted. I absolutely don’t want to go to this meeting. I’m such a non confrontational person, and I really was caught off guard. Now what should I do? I am considering calling or texting and saying I don’t want to meet with the counselor after all. Do you think I’d get push back from just saying something like that? Of course I know I shouldn’t care if I do, but I am still de programming from years of guilt.

And the doctors office called an hour later, and the arm is broken. :cry:

So our bishop moved a few weeks ago, and guess who the new bishop is? Yep. The counselor I was asked to meet with. I had a missed call from somebody else in the bishopric today asking if I can meet with him again (now the bishop). So, how would you respond? I’m thinking I might text him (he said in his message that I can text if I want) and say similar to what I said last time. That I’m unavailable to meet, but he’s (bishop) welcome to email me if he’d like. What would you do?
Last edited by Somegirl on Sat Jul 28, 2018 2:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Hopebeat
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Joined: Sat May 12, 2018 7:29 am

Re: Advice please?

Post by Hopebeat »

It sounds to me like you don’t want to go! You don’t need anyone’s permission to cancel or go to a meeting with someone you don’t want to see. You just need your own permission to not go, it’s ok to listen to yourself! Realize you don’t have to do anything. You don’t owe anyone an interaction ever for anything. Trust yourself, you know what’s best.
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alas
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Re: Advice please?

Post by alas »

Hopebeat wrote: Fri Jun 01, 2018 11:46 pm It sounds to me like you don’t want to go! You don’t need anyone’s permission to cancel or go to a meeting with someone you don’t want to see. You just need your own permission to not go, it’s ok to listen to yourself! Realize you don’t have to do anything. You don’t owe anyone an interaction ever for anything. Trust yourself, you know what’s best.
This.

You are not a child called into the principals office, so don't feel like one. We have a saying around these parts that the bishop has no power over you that you do not give to him. So, just take back your power and either email to say that after thinking it over, you do not want to meet. Or just don't show up. Either way works. You owe nothing to the church, so don't feel guilty about withdrawing from it. Trust your feelings that this is not a good time for this meeting because you are struggling with guilt already and this will just be a "pile on the guilt" meeting.
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oliver_denom
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Re: Advice please?

Post by oliver_denom »

alas wrote: Sat Jun 02, 2018 10:10 am
Hopebeat wrote: Fri Jun 01, 2018 11:46 pm It sounds to me like you don’t want to go! You don’t need anyone’s permission to cancel or go to a meeting with someone you don’t want to see. You just need your own permission to not go, it’s ok to listen to yourself! Realize you don’t have to do anything. You don’t owe anyone an interaction ever for anything. Trust yourself, you know what’s best.
This.

You are not a child called into the principals office, so don't feel like one. We have a saying around these parts that the bishop has no power over you that you do not give to him. So, just take back your power and either email to say that after thinking it over, you do not want to meet. Or just don't show up. Either way works. You owe nothing to the church, so don't feel guilty about withdrawing from it. Trust your feelings that this is not a good time for this meeting because you are struggling with guilt already and this will just be a "pile on the guilt" meeting.
People no show appointments all the time, but if you're attending Sunday and don't want to be disturbed, just text the executive secretary back and cancel. In a single text, go ahead and answer all the follow-up questions. "When you called last week, I agreed to meet with the bishop because I was in a hurry and had to get off the phone. I need to cancel that b/c I am not available for a calling at this time and I just want to attend my meetings. I'll let you know when that changes."
“You want to know something? We are still in the Dark Ages. The Dark Ages--they haven't ended yet.” - Vonnegut

L'enfer, c'est les autres - JP
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Angel
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Re: Advice please?

Post by Angel »

I second that - people don't show up for appointments all the time. I know - because I have skipped appointments before! When I first started having trouble with my DH the bishop wanted to meet with me, set up a time and everything... I did not feel comfortable talking about our issues, I did not show up, and they never asked to talk with me again after I did not show up.

They will probably keep trying to re-schedule if you continue to come up with scheduling conflicts. I think the best approach is a quick email or txt letting them know you do not feel comfortable meeting with the anyone right now - tell them not to worry, that you are doing fine, you are just taking a brake from some things for a bit.

You might be surprised how understanding people are. It is not a big deal.
“You have learned something...That always feels at first as if you have lost something.” George Bernard Shaw
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Ho Lee Turtle
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Re: Advice please?

Post by Ho Lee Turtle »

In my professional work life, I won’t agree to any meeting invitations that do not come with either an agenda from the meeting organizer or a clearly stated purpose for why the meeting needs to occur (i.e. is there an answer/information needed from me, objective to achieve, desired action, etc.). I don’t like surprises and/or not being prepared for my role in the meeting. I find myself in fewer useless (and boring) meetings and my time efficiency is much improved for other tasks. I also find that meetings don’t take near as long either. I hate when someone tries to schedule me for a whole hour for what only needs a 15 minute meeting to discuss. Knowing the purpose ahead of time helps solve this.

I’ve recently implemented this in my church life as well. Seems to be working for now, though it has flustered a few folks.
Margarita
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Joined: Sat May 06, 2017 4:21 pm

Re: Advice please?

Post by Margarita »

FYI..should the calls keep coming and you just want to deal with it. Ask to do in your home on your terms. It really does make a difference.
Best to you!!
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IT_Veteran
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Re: Advice please?

Post by IT_Veteran »

FWIW, I wouldn’t tell them you can’t accept a calling right now so you don’t want to meet. While that’s likely true, it won’t stop them calling back to meet to discuss why you can’t have a calling or why you’re not showing up to church etc.

It’s okay to tell them you’re not available to meet but will let them know in the future if you change your mind.

As seen on Reddit: “‘No thank you’ is a complete sentence.”
Thoughtful
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Re: Advice please?

Post by Thoughtful »

No, thank you.

It's OK to send him a text and say, "I am unable to meet, I apologize for answering before I checked my other plans." It's also ok to not show up, but I think letting him know is more considerate. There's no obligation to be considerate here, if you don't want to.

I agree with the comments above about professionalism. In my work, there's an agenda OR the other person needs support from me regarding something confidential. No one would ever schedule a meeting to talk to me about my state of being, unless it's my boss and then there would be an agenda about problem solving or evaluations or similar.
Somegirl
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Re: Advice please?

Post by Somegirl »

Thanks all! These responses were very helpful to me. I find that I need the reminders that I don’t need to feel guilty, and it’s okay to say no. We were always taught that you don’t say no to meetings or callings. A few years ago, for the first time ever, I said no to a calling. I had so much anxiety over the whole ordeal! I thought it would feel so freeing, but it didn’t. I just felt anxious and guilty. Now that I no longer believe, I have felt a sense of freedom, but the guilty conscience still remains. I have always been one to follow rules, and not defy authority. I just need to remember that I don’t need to give the church authority over me. I’m going to email the exec secretary and tell him I’m not available to meet. Thanks again!
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Not Buying It
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Re: Advice please?

Post by Not Buying It »

Somegirl wrote: Mon Jun 04, 2018 1:32 pm Thanks all! These responses were very helpful to me. I find that I need the reminders that I don’t need to feel guilty, and it’s okay to say no. We were always taught that you don’t say no to meetings or callings. A few years ago, for the first time ever, I said no to a calling. I had so much anxiety over the whole ordeal! I thought it would feel so freeing, but it didn’t. I just felt anxious and guilty. Now that I no longer believe, I have felt a sense of freedom, but the guilty conscience still remains. I have always been one to follow rules, and not defy authority. I just need to remember that I don’t need to give the church authority over me. I’m going to email the exec secretary and tell him I’m not available to meet. Thanks again!
Always remember, the original source of your leaders’ “authority” was from a con man who claimed to translate golden plates using magic rocks and who sexually manipulated his female followers with stories about angels with drawn swords. Their whole claim to authority over you rests entirely on Joseph Smith, and it’s a pretty ridiculous claim when you look at it.

While I try and treat my leaders with the same respect I would give anyone else, their “authority” is completely imaginary.
"The truth is elegantly simple. The lie needs complex apologia. 4 simple words: Joe made it up. It answers everything with the perfect simplicity of Occam's Razor. Every convoluted excuse withers." - Some guy on Reddit called disposazelph
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IT_Veteran
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Re: Advice please?

Post by IT_Veteran »

Somegirl wrote: Mon Jun 04, 2018 1:32 pm Thanks all! These responses were very helpful to me. I find that I need the reminders that I don’t need to feel guilty, and it’s okay to say no. We were always taught that you don’t say no to meetings or callings. A few years ago, for the first time ever, I said no to a calling. I had so much anxiety over the whole ordeal! I thought it would feel so freeing, but it didn’t. I just felt anxious and guilty. Now that I no longer believe, I have felt a sense of freedom, but the guilty conscience still remains. I have always been one to follow rules, and not defy authority. I just need to remember that I don’t need to give the church authority over me. I’m going to email the exec secretary and tell him I’m not available to meet. Thanks again!
That's a difficult teaching to overcome for many of us. In January, before I came out to anyone about my decision to leave the church my bishop called me in to extend a new calling. I'd spent almost two years as the EQP, nine months of which my bishop knew I was an unbeliever. He grabbed me out of SS one day to extend a new calling - one that didn't require a testimony. I'd already made the decision to leave, but couldn't bring myself to tell anyone yet. So I didn't tell him no, I told him I couldn't right now. I listed off the work and school commitments that would keep me from it. He said he wouldn't consider it a refusal, but we would shelf it until I graduated in May.

I sent him an email the next month letting him know I wasn't coming back to church.
Somegirl
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Re: Advice please?

Post by Somegirl »

I did it. I sent the email. Here is what it said:

Hi (exec sec),

I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to meet with brother (counselor). If he would like to contact me, he’s welcome to email me.

Thanks,
Somegirl

Now I guess I wait to see if I hear back. I was nervous sending the email, but all of your words of encouragement helped me to remember that I don’t have to do what I don’t want to do, or what makes me feel uncomfortable.

One of you (maybe alas?) said that this would be more pile on the guilt, and I’m sure you’re right. Whether they would pile on the guilt, or I would take it that way, I’m sure I would feel guilty just being there. Thanks again friends!
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TestimonyLost
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Re: Advice please?

Post by TestimonyLost »

Awesome job! As someone who had to pull together all my courage and confidence to say "no" to a calling for the first time this past week, I know what you're going through. You're not alone! :)
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