I am out as far as my beliefs. I don't believe the church's claims, at all. Even when I don't have the exact explanation of how things may have happened in church history, there are a dozen much more plausible explanations for them then what the church is pushing.
However, from the few family and friends whom I have been "allowed" to tell of my disaffection, there is a CONSTANT push back to the church and to its priorities. Its then assumed that if I stay silent I have "come to my senses" and am back in the fold. I am really tired of defending myself. If I express my belief or disagree with a church doctrine or policy all HELL breaks loose! Then DW and I fight and then things are weird between us. I feel like EVERYTHING I do is hyper-scrutinized. I used the word "butt" the other day and that spiraled into a big argument! I am really, really tired of any and all things associated with Mormonism. Sometimes I feel like I am at my wit's end.
This is what I am doing to keep the peace:
- I attend church every Sunday
- I hold 2 callings
- I have a ministering assignment
- I pay tithing
- I support my child on a mission financially
- I keep my disaffection to myself as much as possible
- I wear my garments 24x7x365
- I keep the WoW
- I have to be aware of anything I say (more then ever)
- I say nice things about the church around kids and relatives
- I agree with everything the church does by my silence
- I pray with family in the Mormon way several times each day
- I study scriptures with the family
- I sing in the ward choir (DW is the choir director)
- I hold a temple recommend
- I attend weddings in the temple
- I feel guilty for missing the endowment session when an extended family member goes through for the first time
- I pay for subscriptions to the Ensign, Friend, and the New Era (I don't even have a "Friend" aged child!)
- I listen to most of Stake and General Conference
- I live in my own head most of the time, I try not to share my frustration or feelings of isolation