Help with outing myself?

[Somegirl]

I’m finally ready to out myself to my parents. It’s getting more and more difficult to dodge the questions, spiritual emails, and church speak. I may even be brave and out myself to my in-laws... but we will see. I’d also like to start wearing tank tops for the hot summer, and feel like I need to say something beforehand so my parents (mostly mom) don’t have an anxiety attack.

So, I’m looking for any and all suggestions. In person, snail mail, email, something else? What kinds of things would you say, or have said? I think I want to make it short. I’ve done a quick google search, and there was a very basic, generic letter that I can use and alter, but I would probably have to cut out most of that letter, so it’s not really helpful to me. Here are just a couple parts of the letter that I just don’t think would work (just as an example):

“I have no desire to change the good standards of living that we have been taught, and plan to nourish those in the kids as well.” ——— But I do want to wear tank tops, and drink coffee, or even a bit of alcohol, and I feel like my parents would be confused...

“Basically, I’d like to continue to grow in an environment which allows a less restrictive view of life”. ———— I could see my mom feeling like this is a slap in the face, as she probably doesn’t feel like it’s been a “restrictive life”.

So, can anyone offer some tips?

[moksha]

A good conversation starter might be: "Mom, I was mulling over that Shakespeare quote about 'To thine own self be true...' and it reminded me of a few things I should tell you."

[slavereeno]

Sorry, I got nothin'. When I outed myself to my very TBM parents it was a complete disaster. They feel hurt and betrayed and are convinced that I pray to Lucifer, eat babies and snort cocaine.

[Red Ryder]

Sorry, I got nothin'. When I outed myself to my very TBM parents it was a complete disaster. They feel hurt and betrayed and are convinced that I pray to Lucifer, eat babies and snort cocaine.

Two out of three are true!

When are we meeting up again to eat babies and snort cocaine?

[Red Ryder]

As to outing yourself I offer a different path.

Why bother? Did you tell your parents when you stopped your Readers Digest subscription?

Did you tell your parents when you switched to whole milk?

Did you tell your parents when you bought new socks?

Live your life as you want to and let them wonder what’s up.

Then when they ask, just tell them you don’t Mormon anymore. You’ve graduated and are still the same person as before other than you have more money, wear less underwear, and have broadened your taste for the finer things in life.

Then wink, nod, and smile and don’t worry about it.

Or just tell them you started snorting cocaine and praying to Lucifer with some random dude you met on the internet named Slavereeno!

[Brent]

Fan of letting it happen naturally. When asked a simple "I found that the church wasn't the path for me."

[RubinHighlander]

So my DW and I are in our 50s, youngest kid is 18; it was easier for us to make the exit than many here on NOM. We had been non-attending for a couple years before DW's mom found out or she told her. She took it pretty well because MIL is a full on TBM who attends the temple 2-3 times per week. Now my mom on the other hand has been inactive for many years, divorcing then running off to other parts of the country to find herself, then remarrying then divorce and back to Utah to a small town where she got active again. So I recently disclosed our resignation to her and I thought she took it well until she told one of my brothers she feared for us to be taken over by Satan and his minions.

You just don't know how people will take the news, it can be a total roll of the dice. Strong TBMs will look at you as broken, lost and deceived by the devil. If you want to try to give them a primer you might try the Faith Crisis Report. TSCC used that data to develop their apologetic essays a few years ago. I like the case studies because they provide examples of why people left in a way that reveals a lot of the historical and truth claim issues from a third party point of view. Give that to them then say, "So what do you think about all these people leaving for all these reasons and never got their questions answered?" That might give you some ideas as to how they would react. Then you could decide whether or not you want to reveal that you are in that same category.
https://faenrandir.github.io/a_careful_ ... s_R28e.pdf
https://faenrandir.github.io/a_careful_ ... nts_R3.pdf
https://faenrandir.github.io/a_careful_ ... ith_R5.pdf
Also, a blog post about it:
https://www.ldsdiscussions.com/blog-faith-crisis-report

But if you can float and fake your way through without too many folks knowing it, then why stir the pot? Eventually some event brings you to a crossroads with each person wherein you might be forced to come out. There's no easy answer here.

[crossmyheart]

I had a moment when I got through to my TBM mother early on in my faith transition. I shared some concerns with her and she confided she had the same concerns. It was so nice to know I wasn't crazy... but then she retrenched and I was already at the anger stage with a scorched earth attitude.

If I had it to do over, I wish that I had taken it slow and just kept an open dialogue of sharing my concerns and issues without getting angry.

Maybe just start with sharing a difficult subject, something you struggled with and let your parents know you are taking a step back to work through it.

[Kishkumen]

Put on your big girl panties and be upfront. Tell them how it is.

Tear off the bandaid.

A few weeks of open awkwardness is better than a few years of walking on eggshells.

Above all, be kind. They are human as well. Be bold and be kind.

[trophywife26.2]

what worked for me was my parents already knew I was pretty loud about having problems with the way LGBTQ people were looked at and treated in the church. They also knew I was a bit of a feminist. I just took that and expanded it.

I told my parents that there were things the church says is right or wrong, but my conscience says differently. If someday I'm accountable to a God I want to face that being, knowing I followed my conscience not what other people told me to do. I said because of that I'd be acting differently than I used to (like with church attendance and garments) and I didn't want them to think I was a hypocrite but it was a conscious choice to follow my conscience. Worked for me, but would not work for a lot of folks.

[Newme]

I drink coffee, tea (& rarely alcohol only when I’m not around my kids or husband & with someone who’s drinking & no driving - so rarely). We’ve paid our tithes to those in need - not the church - for a while. I don’t wear garments except occasionally as under shirt etc., & wear tank tops occasionally. And I go to church & serve in callings - just no temple stuff.

When I’ve been questioned, I justify it by logic &/or scripture.

Coffee’s healthy if black & in moderation.
Green tea is really good for us - Joseph smith suggested we use herbs and plants.
Christ made wine.
Tithes belong to the poor (Deut 14:28-29 & the greatest commandment is to love God & love others - “inasmuch as we love the poor, we love God.”
Temples are used to make money - Jesus whipped people for that.
Garments have freemasonry symbols (& Temple rituals are based on them) & master freemasons have said higher levels of Freemasonry must deny Christ.

If you want to overwhelm them & maybe ruin your relationship, tell all the above in one shot. Otherwise, “line upon line.”

Good luck.

[græy]

Sorry, I got nothin'. When I outed myself to my very TBM parents it was a complete disaster. They feel hurt and betrayed and are convinced that I pray to Lucifer, eat babies and snort cocaine.

Two out of three are true!

When are we meeting up again to eat babies and snort cocaine?

I pray to Lucifer that you're only joking!

[Somegirl]

Thanks everyone. This is helpful. My husband suggested just not saying anything also, but it’s hard to just not say anything. I have a sibling that got married, and was married for 6 months before any of us knew. My mom was the last to know. It caused a lot of stress and heartache for my mom, and I saw it all.

Ultimately, I realize that I’m not responsible for anyone else’s feelings or reactions. However, if I can do this as gently as possible, that’s what I’d like to do. I am the halfway point if my siblings being done with church, but the others had never been through the temple, so I am sure that will be hard on my parents (mother).

I really like (I think it was) Trophywifes way of doing things. I think I will lean more to something like that.

I didn’t see a lot of answers for this, so I want to put it out there again. Does anyone have any ideas on if writing a letter/email is better, or doing this in person?

[Red Ryder]

Thanks everyone. This is helpful. My husband suggested just not saying anything also, but it’s hard to just not say anything. I have a sibling that got married, and was married for 6 months before any of us knew. My mom was the last to know. It caused a lot of stress and heartache for my mom, and I saw it all.

Ultimately, I realize that I’m not responsible for anyone else’s feelings or reactions. However, if I can do this as gently as possible, that’s what I’d like to do. I am the halfway point if my siblings being done with church, but the others had never been through the temple, so I am sure that will be hard on my parents (mother).

I really like (I think it was) Trophywifes way of doing things. I think I will lean more to something like that.

I didn’t see a lot of answers for this, so I want to put it out there again. Does anyone have any ideas on if writing a letter/email is better, or doing this in person?

My brother wrote an email that coincided with a baptism that was going to be missed that family was trying to make to plans for.

Letter or email has pros and cons. The main problem is intent and context doesn’t always come through. You may intend to say or mean one thing and the reader has different thoughts.

This also happens with verbal communication so it will just have to depend on what works best for you. If you don’t like confrontation or having to explain yourself and risk a detoured conversation then send an email.

Hermey usually posts a great you tube video that is a great resource and example for having good conversations. I’ll see if I can find it in his list history.

Edit here it is:

Re: TBM in laws in my ward..
Report this post Quote
Unread post Mon Apr 16, 2018 9:46 pm

Watch this video. Just substitute coming out gay with leaving the church.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxAa2Hd7q8k

In the end, only you can decide what’s best for your family situation. It’s difficult when you have to have tough conversations with your parents.

Sort of like sex education conversations with teenagers but in reverse.

[Somegirl]

Thank you Red Ryder. I will watch that video. I am not afraid of confrontation, so much as a detoured conversation/extra questions that I may not want to answer. I appreciate your thoughts.

[Newme]

If you are going to discuss with them, I’d suggest in-person rather than by letter or phone. People tend to be more empathic (& can see nonverbal feelings etc) in person - so in my experience, it generally goes better.

[2bizE]

I had a dream recently where I went to the temple with All of my TBM family. Everyone was watching the computer screen when they scanned my temple recommend. It said: No longer a member.” Everyone, including myself was confused. I remember thinking that at least now everyone knows I don’t believe...

[trophywife26.2]

Thanks everyone. This is helpful. My husband suggested just not saying anything also, but it’s hard to just not say anything. I have a sibling that got married, and was married for 6 months before any of us knew. My mom was the last to know. It caused a lot of stress and heartache for my mom, and I saw it all.

Ultimately, I realize that I’m not responsible for anyone else’s feelings or reactions. However, if I can do this as gently as possible, that’s what I’d like to do. I am the halfway point if my siblings being done with church, but the others had never been through the temple, so I am sure that will be hard on my parents (mother).

I really like (I think it was) Trophywifes way of doing things. I think I will lean more to something like that.

I didn’t see a lot of answers for this, so I want to put it out there again. Does anyone have any ideas on if writing a letter/email is better, or doing this in person?

Well let us know how it goes. I invited my parents to brunch just myself and them and we talked about it. i told them I didn't really want to go into specifics and split hairs about doctrine.

I often tell people I'm willing to discuss anything, but they shouldn't ask questions of me they don't want to hear the answer to or want to hear a certain answer to the question or they could be disappointed or hurt.

I don't give this example, but for example do you believe in God? When people ask that they often know they want you to say yes. I've told people I don't want to hurt anyone's testimony or put down their beliefs because I know the church works for many people and it's not my place to say they are right or wrong. The not going into details is something someone said to me about 2 years before I left. The woman I knew just said she studied the church a lot and it wasn't for her and she found problems in church history she couldn't reconcile. She said something like: the information is out there for people who want to find it. Piqued my interest haha. Took a few years, but it got to me.

[moksha]

I had a dream recently where I went to the temple with All of my TBM family. Everyone was watching the computer screen when they scanned my temple recommend.

Suddenly Mick Jagger appeared on the screen dressed in a white suit, with a white shirt and white tie. He smiles and we see dazzling white teeth. He starts singing:

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm an Elder of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Baptized many a soul and sealed their fate.

Since you've got this recommend
You already know my name
Bring your family on in my friend
And we can get started on the game.

[Somegirl]

So I haven’t been able to talk with my parents at all, but I have spoken with my mother in law a bit. She outright asked me if I ever get to go to church anymore (she knows DH doesn’t go). I said “not really, but that’s ok”. She said it wasn’t ok. I told her I “have a hard time with some of the stuff the church teaches”. She asked me for specifics. I told her for one thing, polygamy has always bothered me. She asked if there was any of that in my family line, and I told her yes (and reminded her who). She suggested that she has a book that is supposed to explain all of that, and asked if I’d like to borrow it. I said sure, but then she forgot to get it for me before we left. She hasn’t asked anymore questions since, and I haven’t volunteered any more info. So, I guess I will see if anything comes of that. As for my parents, I haven’t seen them since I posted this. Maybe in the next few weeks. We will see.