Creative Mormon Mythology

[RubinHighlander]

How about a game of "Hide the Salami" in the scriptures?

God sitting upon his throne?

boa-fac2-nophallus.png (2.16 KiB) Viewed 26665 times

boa-fac2-phallus.png (2.58 KiB) Viewed 26665 times

The original erect penis was removed in past editions of the Pearl of Great Price, and put back in the 1981 Triple Combo.

That's pretty mythical.

[moksha]

Getting Adamites to the Old World

One of the postulates of LDS apologetics is that Adam and Eve lived outside Independence, Missouri. When asked how they got to the Old World for their descendant's biblical adventures, apologists point to the time when there was the super-continent of Pangea.

One problem with that is this was before the age of mammals. How do we get around that? The answer is with attenuated LDS apologetics. Consider this: There were proto-mammals called the Synapsids. They weren't quite mammals, but they were getting there and after the great Permian extinction event, the small surviving ancestors took the great leap of faith and Darwinism enabling them to make it past the Age of the Dinosaurs and righteously enduring until they could begin the Dispensation of Mammals.

So how does this relate to attenuated LDS apologetics and getting the descendants of Adam and Eve to another continent? Easy, for Adam and Eve were both Synapsids.

And now you have evidence of the rest of the story.


Synapsid - both first Adamite and proto-tapir

[moksha]

More History of BYU - The Wilkinson Years

The history of the Brigham Young University can be very instructive. When you see how they got from point A to point B, it is helpful in calculating the trajectory of when they will go over the edge at 3.10 centimeters per hours.

Back in the year 1971, there was a bit of controversy on the BYU Campus when President Ernest L. Wilkinson was apprised about a book in the J. Reuben Clark, Jr. Library titled Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss.

Professors in the BYU Department of Religion had alerted President Wilkinson to a particular quote in the book:

I know up on top you are seeing great sights, but down here on the bottom, we too should have rights.

The professors in the religion department were concerned that such a quote could undermine the authority of the Brethren. Dr. Wilkinson concurred but felt he should run such a matter by President Joseph Fielding Smith. Upon hearing the quote, President Smith was livid and immediately ordered that the book Yertle the Turtle be removed from the library and forever be banned from BYU. President Wilkinson swiftly made those changes.

Later on, in 1974, the name of the library was changed to the Harold B. Lee Library and the matter was forgotten. Finally, the rest of the story can be told once again.

[moksha]

They lived longer back then



You will note by the 16th Century collar that President Spencer W. Kimball
was far older than previously thought.

[nibbler]

One problem with that is this was before the age of mammals.

Might wanna leave that theory in the oven a few more minutes.
1) Pretty sure there were mammals 6000 years ago.
2) Adam and Eve were created after the mammals.

[moksha]

For most Utah bakeries, you are limited in the number of bride statuettes by the surface area on top of the wedding cake.

[moksha]

LDS save Rainforest Sloths


Waiting patiently for LDS Missionaries

The rainforest is dwindling. Can anything be done to save its creatures?

The LDS Church has heard the call and is now responding. LDS missionaries have been sent forth to provide exaltation for those willing to join the Church.


Contemplating life under the Restored Gospel, Inc.


Happiness can be yours for only 10% of your gross leaves. Pray about it.

[moksha]

Joseph, my son, we have a work for you to do after we finish prancing in the woods .....


Courtesy of Exiled from Mormon Discussions

[moksha]

The exact incantation for LDS Necromancing

In brightest day, in blackest night,
Resting spirits shall serve me right,
Rise from graves, be in my sight
Heed my power... Melchizedek Priesthood might!

Hope this is not giving away too much advanced Temple ceremony stuff.

[moksha]

Bras in Pioneer History

Utah pioneer women were first introduced to wearing bras, when they were forced into a corral and then cut from the herd by means of Elders wielding silver crosses and braids of garlic into individual bra stands. The bras were hooked into place by fellow Relief Society inmates. These women were subsequently covered with garments and other clothing then released into their husband's custody.

Now you know the rest of the story.

[moksha]

Family Shunning for Disbelief

Thank goodness the LDS Ceremony of Discommendation is becoming less frequent. It was regrettable when disaffected family members were forced to run the gauntlet and jabbed repeatedly with pain sticks by TBM family members. Sometimes the pain was so intense that the disaffected were forced to scream out, "I believe, I believe. Just don't hurt me no more, please!" The fallen member was then taken to LDS Hospital for a blessing and released into the custody of the ward.

[moksha]

Story from the lost 116 pages of the original Book of Mormon

Senator Mike Lee (M-Utah) wanted to acquaint his fellow Senators with some of the stories found in the Book of Mormon. Here he presents a painting showing Ronald Reagan shooting a machine gun while the Utah Velociraptor he is riding carries the American flag. The painting was from one of those Book of Mormon stories in the original 116 pages which unfortunately was lost.

[moksha]

Preach My Gospel

In case you teach in the nursery, you can still include the lesson on the Book of Mormon translation with a song:

Baby Shark
do do do do do do
Baby Shark

Baby Seer Stone
do do do do do do
Baby Seer Stone

Baby Hat
do do do do do do
Baby Hat

Repeat this through Mommy and Daddy hats, then positively reinforce the lesson with a snack. The toddlers will be glowing with the gospel.

[Corsair]

There is a cartoonist on Reddit who has been creating some "Rick and Morty" crossovers with Mormonism:



His username is BookOfMorty and he has a few others. I mean, who wouldn't want Mormon Rick as their bishop?

[moksha]

Major Forms of Magic Practiced by 33rd Degree Mormons

• Alteration - water and bread into tokens of remembrance
• Conjuration - summoning a memory of Bruce R. McConkie
• Destruction - a dusting of boots
• Enchanting - consecrating olive oil
• Illusion - Brigham taking on the countenance of Joseph
• Restoration - priesthood blessings
• Alchemy - blending fry sauce

[moksha]

PROVO - The Royal Lipizzaner Tapir Team has signed a multiyear contract with Busch Gardens thanks to their association with Dr. Daniel C. Peterson. The Tapir Team might even be pulling the Orem City float during the Daze of '47 Parade in July.

[moksha]

Pinocchio couldn't be a real boy until he got the Aaronic priesthood so he could pass a tray of bread with God's sanction.

This could be a perennial Church favorite if they can secure production rights from Disney Studios. Gepetto sounds a bit too ethnic for Utah, so perhaps the woodcarver's name will be changed to Eric. Being Mormon, Eric will be married to Emily and they will already have seven children before Pinocchio is assembled at Eric's engineering design company in American Fork.

Once Aaronicized, Pinocchio's circuits will be closer to God than Emily.

[moksha]

In August of 1991, a Third Stage Authority was wheeled into the Grand Hall of the President of BYU. All the attendants were dismissed, so there was just the BYU President and the entourage of the Third Stage Authority. The President began his salutations and adulations when the Authority cut him short. "We have detected a problem. Some non-member named Tim Berners-Lee has created the World Wide Web. There are plans in motion to create a vast connection of computers that will allow data to eventually be shared all over the world. Most of it will be benign, but we have also perceived..."

Ah, here it is thought the BYU President, the reason I have been summoned to this important meeting.

"We need some means of fighting this internet, lest it deliver information that could damage the faith of the members. We need their continued tithing. Nothing must interfere with that. The Tithing must flow."

The BYU President bowed low to the vehicle containing the Authority. "I will do everything in my power to squash this so-called "information". To that end, I pledge fifty legions of my best apologists. That should be enough to banish all thoughts of this information from the minds of the members. The Tithing will flow."

[moksha]

I was just thinking of that movie, you know, the one where the famed Mt. Olympian Neil A. Maxwell stands on the watchtower looking out to sea for enemy ships. I was especially fond of that scene where Maxwell spots a ship, but cannot make out the flag it is flying. One of the younger acolytes is able to discern the markings.

"Oh, great and powerful Maxwell, it is a ship from the Academics. [Some naughty words are spoken which will later need 16th Century translators to interpret]. "Academics!", shouted Maxwell, "they must not be allowed to reach our sacred shore; no uncontested landings today!"

"What are your orders, Sire?" The Olympian drew himself up to full measure and shouted the order:

Release the Kraken! Let us see how these so-called "Academics" deal with our Midgley.

The huge metal cage door swung open and the monstrous Kraken swam forth. One of the soldiers nudged his comrade and whispered, "it may look puny for a monster, but I doubt there has ever been one so ferocious. It can spit acidic venom over a hundred feet". The creature turned to face the Olympian. With a stern look, the Olympian shouted his orders, "Destroy the Academic's vessel and devour the Academics".

The Kraken turned and swam straight to the vessel. It was quite a battle. The Academics raised the shield of valid information, while the Kraken spewed its acidic venom. The Academics fired a volley of reason at the Kraken-Midgley and it visibly weakened.

"Sire", Praetorian Peterson said to the Olympian Maxwell, "the Kraken cannot long survive out of its protective cage. Shall we release the junior Kraken, the ones the keepers call Kiwi?" "No, it too will founder in unprotected water."

"Keepers, recall the Kraken. Make sure you feed it several sacrificial lambs tonight so that it may regain its strength in the navel and toxic sludge in its bones. Those Academics will think twice before they engage with the likes of us."

[A New Name]

How about a game of "Hide the Salami" in the scriptures?

God sitting upon his throne?

boa-fac2-nophallus.png

boa-fac2-phallus.png

The original erect penis was removed in past editions of the Pearl of Great Price, and put back in the 1981 Triple Combo.

That's pretty mythical.

Nope, the penis was always there, it just went limp. Then in 1981 Viagra "popped" on the scene!