Out of the frying pan, into the fire :(

[Angel]

So.... I was a convert to the church, in with DH 20 yrs, now out, and the Mormon side is fine that I am out - silent, polite... but my never-mo family is now trying to get me into their ... I won't call it a "cult", but it is another one of these "we're the true church" small groups... JW offshoot... I am getting looong emails... and books about how the bible is the only real scripture etc. argh... love my parents, but, how to let them know I am happy with "not affiliated"?

[2bizE]

Ouch, luckily your eyes have been opened.

[Reuben]

Hoo, boy.

You can set boundaries and plant seeds. I doubt much else would help you or them.

"I'm not going to join another Mormonism. The costs far outweigh the benefits for me."

Maybe ask them to find out what that church teaches about members who leave. If it's still enough like the JWs, it teaches and practices formal shunning. If so, ask them if they would shun you if you left it.

[alas]

How to let your parents know that you are happy with unaffiliated? “Mom & Dad, I am happy being unaffiliated. I don’t want or need another church. I love you.”

Repeat as necessary.

I know, I know, it sounds so easy. But in reality, it is really hard to set up and maintain boundaries especially with parents.

[Angel]

Thank you for your sympathies and replies...

ok, how is this for a reply - not strong enough? not clear enough? I'm going for the 'thanks-but-no-thanks" trying to be as polite as possible...but most definitely NOT interested in joining another religious group (at least not a "we have the truth" type group).

Dear mom,
Thank you for your card and email, the book is interesting too. Please know that we are all doing well and finding much peace in taking a simpler non-dogmatic non-affiliated path. While religious communities have many positive aspects, I now think spiritual growth is best accomplished through service and striving to live with a pure conscience. "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of God..." I see too much contention coming between faith groups who all claim to hold 'the truth' over irrelevant issues, and am very much embracing, as many are, the "spiritual but not affiliated" view. Non-affiliation has opened doors for service and discussion that before remained closed - allowing all to be done "good for goodness sake" and not as a salesman trying to promote any one group, or criticize another. The only way for me to believe in a just, merciful, and loving God is to believe all humanity are given equal guidance and direction through their conscience. It would be unjust and unloving to provide some with a book, or provide some with spiritual leaders and not others, so I will keep it simple and believe no organisation, no book, no human leader is needed. To me, the only thing needed is the only thing we are all equally given, which is our own conscience... and the only thing to do is become a more loving person, serve all, learn from from all (no respecter of persons), keep conversations simple -'yea yea, nay nay', no ceremonies or dogma needed. Hope that at its core that is what you believe too.

Love you guys so much!

[Hagoth]

"I appreciate your concern but I have already exceeded my one-cult-per-lifetime limit."

[Palerider]

Thank you for your sympathies and replies...

ok, how is this for a reply - not strong enough? not clear enough? I'm going for the 'thanks-but-no-thanks" trying to be as polite as possible...but most definitely NOT interested in joining another religious group (at least not a "we have the truth" type group).

Dear mom,
Thank you for your card and email, the book is interesting too. Please know that we are all doing well and finding much peace in taking a simpler non-dogmatic non-affiliated path. While religious communities have many positive aspects, I now think spiritual growth is best accomplished through service and striving to live with a pure conscience. "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of God..." I see too much contention coming between faith groups who all claim to hold 'the truth' over irrelevant issues, and am very much embracing, as many are, the "spiritual but not affiliated" view. Non-affiliation has opened doors for service and discussion that before remained closed - allowing all to be done "good for goodness sake" and not as a salesman trying to promote any one group, or criticize another. The only way for me to believe in a just, merciful, and loving God is to believe all humanity are given equal guidance and direction through their conscience. It would be unjust and unloving to provide some with a book, or provide some with spiritual leaders and not others, so I will keep it simple and believe no organisation, no book, no human leader is needed. To me, the only thing needed is the only thing we are all equally given, which is our own conscience... and the only thing to do is become a more loving person, serve all, learn from from all (no respecter of persons), keep conversations simple -'yea yea, nay nay', no ceremonies or dogma needed. Hope that at its core that is what you believe too.

Love you guys so much!

This sounds great. Be nice but stick by your guns.

[Reuben]

That's pretty good. I would consider changing "salesman" to "missionary" or some other emotionally neutral word.

Send it! You've got this.

[græy]

I agree with Reuban on neutral wording. Overall, this is a thoughtful and fair response. Well said!

[Angel]

I chickened out and did not reply at all which makes me such a hypocrite! When TBM's become silent, and refuse to talk - the silent treatment is such a harmful thing ... I'm not silent, I'm just not participating in religious discussions with anyone on any more than a superficial "that is nice" kind of level. ... let your conversations be "yea yea, nay nay for whatsoever comes more than this...." - haha, words of wisdom? silence is golden? at least I can vent here, you guys are the best!

[Just This Guy]

Set up some e-mail rules.

Maybe something like any message from select e-mail address that contains the word "Bible" is to be considered spam and automatically deleted. Something along those lines could solve the problem for you.

And if they wonder why you don't respond, then you can say that they must be getting lost in the spam filter with perfect honesty.

[Random]

Set up some e-mail rules.

Maybe something like any message from select e-mail address that contains the word "Bible" is to be considered spam and automatically deleted.

You can set up email accounts to do that?

[Just This Guy]

Set up some e-mail rules.

Maybe something like any message from select e-mail address that contains the word "Bible" is to be considered spam and automatically deleted.

You can set up email accounts to do that?

Most can, yes. What do you use for your e-mail? I can walk you though it for some providers. I'm sure as a group we can figure it out.

[Random]

Set up some e-mail rules.

Maybe something like any message from select e-mail address that contains the word "Bible" is to be considered spam and automatically deleted.

You can set up email accounts to do that?

Most can, yes. What do you use for your e-mail? I can walk you though it for some providers. I'm sure as a group we can figure it out.

I have gmail.

[Random]

I think most or all of us would love to be able to do this.

[Angel]

Set up some e-mail rules.

Maybe something like any message from select e-mail address that contains the word "Bible" is to be considered spam and automatically deleted. Something along those lines could solve the problem for you.

And if they wonder why you don't respond, then you can say that they must be getting lost in the spam filter with perfect honesty.

Haha - but it's my parents!! They mean well... I have Hindu friends who have gently carried ants out of my kitchen, and Jewish friends who try to explain what Kosher is, and politically diverse friends... I'm treating this in the same way, "yea yea, nay nay ..." smile ... "that's interesting" haha - try not to laugh at them when they are being serious... it keeps life interesting, right?

There's some great stuff in the Bible if you don't get fanatical over it.... I'm carefully learning how to diversify religious conversations when they start - to quote out of more religious texts than the KJ Bible. For some reason if I can say "yes, that is what the Taoists believe too" or "my Muslim students have taught me so much about serving others", and my atheist colleagues have taught me to appreciate our current life without living for a future heaven, or xyz - that makes the conversation so much better it seems. The comments just need to be completely authentic though, not said in anger, or with any kind of attack - but in agreement. Everything said in agreement with the intent to respect everyone, and pull everyone together... at least that is the theory.

[Just This Guy]

How to selectively block e-mails in G-mail

1. Log into G-mail. Duh. Gotta start somewhere.
2. At the top, on the right of the search bar, there is a downward pointing triangle, click there.
3. This brings up a search menu. Here is how we define what the rules will be. we want to setup a mini program that can sort out headache inducing e-mails but leave good ones. There are two options.
a. Person sends you churchy e-mails and nothing else. You have no read reason to e-mail them. In this can we want to block them all together. Enter their e-mail address in the FROM line, go to step 4.
b. Person sends you church e-mails but reasonable ones as well. Here we have to get a bit more creative. Enter their e-mail address in the FROM line. then enter common words that are in their church e-mails but not in a normal one. Maybe try "bible" or "Jehovah" in the HAS THE WORDS line. It is best to keep your terms as simple as you can here. Go to step 4.
4. Click on CREATE FILTER at the bottom. This menu let you set what happens to it. In this case you want to DELETE IT, check that option. I would also check MARK AS READ as well, so you don't think you have a unread message.
5. You can click ALSO APPLY THIS FILTER TO X MATCHING CONVERSATIONS to clean out your inbox of similar junk messages. That is optional.
6. Click CREATE FILTER and you are done.

That's it, pretty simple. You can create as many filters as you want. Mayne have different terms in different filters. Usually it takes a bit to develop enough to meet your needs.

Now that you have basic ones setup, when you do have a message slip through, you can add more filters to catch ones that slip through.

[Just This Guy]

And the nice thing is that once your rules are setup, they are automatic. You never even see those messages unless you go looking through your e-mail trash.

[Random]

Haha - but it's my parents!! They mean well... I have Hindu friends who have gently carried ants out of my kitchen, and Jewish friends who try to explain what Kosher is, and politically diverse friends... I'm treating this in the same way, "yea yea, nay nay ..." smile ... "that's interesting" haha - try not to laugh at them when they are being serious... it keeps life interesting, right?

There's some great stuff in the Bible if you don't get fanatical over it.... I'm carefully learning how to diversify religious conversations when they start - to quote out of more religious texts than the KJ Bible. For some reason if I can say "yes, that is what the Taoists believe too" or "my Muslim students have taught me so much about serving others", and my atheist colleagues have taught me to appreciate our current life without living for a future heaven, or xyz - that makes the conversation so much better it seems. The comments just need to be completely authentic though, not said in anger, or with any kind of attack - but in agreement. Everything said in agreement with the intent to respect everyone, and pull everyone together... at least that is the theory.

I love your attitude. And I'm sure it makes for a more peaceful, accepting life.

[Random]

How to selectively block e-mails in G-mail

1. Log into G-mail. Duh. Gotta start somewhere.
2. At the top, on the right of the search bar, there is a downward pointing triangle, click there.
3. This brings up a search menu. Here is how we define what the rules will be. we want to setup a mini program that can sort out headache inducing e-mails but leave good ones. There are two options.
a. Person sends you churchy e-mails and nothing else. You have no read reason to e-mail them. In this can we want to block them all together. Enter their e-mail address in the FROM line, go to step 4.
b. Person sends you church e-mails but reasonable ones as well. Here we have to get a bit more creative. Enter their e-mail address in the FROM line. then enter common words that are in their church e-mails but not in a normal one. Maybe try "bible" or "Jehovah" in the HAS THE WORDS line. It is best to keep your terms as simple as you can here. Go to step 4.
4. Click on CREATE FILTER at the bottom. This menu let you set what happens to it. In this case you want to DELETE IT, check that option. I would also check MARK AS READ as well, so you don't think you have a unread message.
5. You can click ALSO APPLY THIS FILTER TO X MATCHING CONVERSATIONS to clean out your inbox of similar junk messages. That is optional.
6. Click CREATE FILTER and you are done.

That's it, pretty simple. You can create as many filters as you want. Mayne have different terms in different filters. Usually it takes a bit to develop enough to meet your needs.

Now that you have basic ones setup, when you do have a message slip through, you can add more filters to catch ones that slip through.

And the nice thing is that once your rules are setup, they are automatic. You never even see those messages unless you go looking through your e-mail trash.

That's cool! I'm going to be sharing this. Thanks.