After 10+ years inactive, I decided to return for good

[BlackMormon]

I was LDS, served a mission, got married, had kids, got divorced, my family fell away, then I fell away. For the last 10 years, I was LDS just by virtue of having been baptized, ordained, etc. but I practically stopped going to church for over a decade. Didn't go smoking, drinking, or being promiscuous but I had a few flings. Now I am older, but not so old. What I learned is that I went through phases. One phase was being bored with the meetings. I felt like I wasn't really learning anything new or going anywhere.

In the second phase, I was starting to lose faith in the leaders and then I started to read a lot about anti-Mormon topics from soft to hard topics. Then I started to believe that the Church was some big corporation, preying on the faith of the gullible with no proof of anything divine. I quickly forgot all the blessings I had received before and after my conversion.

Now I thought I was wise and I knew more than those TBMs. They were being fooled but I was right. Then I began feeling like oh, maybe this is a Masonic offshoot, a fraternal order and these members are blind followers. Another phase was, well, I was just indifferent, forgetting all about the covenants and promises I had once made, so faithfully. I am an analyst by profession. I began to analyze my LDS life more honestly. I realized that the lowest points in my life were always when I was doubting my faith, having doubts about the Church, its leaders, and even the entire Gospel altogether. I thought scriptures were just things written to control people and that there was always some devious motive behind everything. The highest points in my life in terms of health, financial success, good friendships, and good feelings were always when I was one of those TBMs.

The lowest points in my life were when I started getting offended by some dimwit in the ward that did or said something about me or my family. Today I see that, by being back in the fold, I am actually feeling much better about myself. I began to see very good people. I began to see beauty in the missionaries, and other faithful members and I realize that those ARE good people. In the outside world, I often ran into a lot of crap, crappy people, backstabbers, liars, and even stupid. Now that I have become active again, my life has more meaning, it's full. I no longer care about whether there was this or that contradiction in history or if Joseph Smith used a hat or whatever.

I began to see God in the faithful members' eyes and souls. I began to find forgiveness to myself and others. I think I began to see the light, so to speak. I would hate to arrive at my death bed ( I am very healthy) with my previous life, full of doubts, regrets, and bitterness against this or that leader or this or that. My contacts and associations now offer much higher quality and I decided that for me, let God judge everything and everyone. As for me, I want to serve the God that brought me out of obscurity into the light and I decided to stop trying to find fault with the Church, with Church history, with this or that scripture or this or that personality. In the end, what I am enjoying is a new form of peace that I had only experienced long ago when I was a missionary.

This is MY experience and obviously, everyone has their own. I judge no one. I respected everyone but for me and my family now, we will serve the Lord as we know Him. I believe that my doubts didn't help me grow. All they did is damage my soul. If I continued, I would probably just end up dying and whoever I was meant to be would be lost like tears in the rain ( quote from a movie). I want to feel the rain. To live. Not be lost in it. I feel much better now. God bless you all.

[dogbite]

I'm glad you are happy.

But keep this in mind. You don't actually know what your future self wants.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=dtfaccGmCCs&feature=share9

[Red Ryder]

I’m glad you’re happy too!

But keep this mind. Paragraphs man, paragraphs!

[Conman52]

I am happy for you. I left the church in 2017 came back in 2019 and I am still in the trying to figure it all out phase. Listening to Rob Terry (churchistrue) has helped a great deal with finding new mormonism where you shelve or disregard the faulty truth claims and anything else you don't like and do mormonism your own way. Perhaps this is my way for the future , we will see. God Bless.

[nibbler]

I'll echo others, I'm glad you found your niche.

I began to see very good people. I began to see beauty in the missionaries, and other faithful members and I realize that those ARE good people. In the outside world, I often ran into a lot of crap, crappy people, backstabbers, liars, and even stupid.

I've found that there are a lot of very good and beautiful people in and out of the church. I've also found that there are a lot of crappy people, backstabbers, liars, and even stupid in and out of the church.

We often find what we spend all our time looking for.

[Hagoth]

I began to see very good people. I began to see beauty in the missionaries, and other faithful members and I realize that those ARE good people.

People are great. Authority figures often only appear to be. Love the people, be suspicious of men who claim to speak for God and manage His bank account.

Best of luck to you BlackMormon! I'm sure you will do a lot of good.

[lostinmiddlemormonism]

Happy that you found something that works for you. We afford all the same privileges. Let them worship how, what, or where they may.

[moksha]

I began to see very good people. I began to see beauty in the missionaries, and other faithful members and I realize that those ARE good people.

I think the truth in Mormonism resides in its members. Don't let the stories detract from the kindness of its members.

[BlackMormon]

Thanks for all the great comments!
Now I find myself trying to fix the things I feel got damaged or broken inside, after years struggling with my own feelings, my faith or lack thereof, my sins and doubts. Honestly, I dread the idea of being on my death bed, having denied God because I got doubtful about church money, controversies, contradictions, church history, while denying all the good blessings I had received as a believer. I wish there was more transparency but the lawyers say that transparency is a recipe for nefarious lawsuits.

[Angel]

Thanks for all the great comments!
Now I find myself trying to fix the things I feel got damaged or broken inside, after years struggling with my own feelings, my faith or lack thereof, my sins and doubts. Honestly, I dread the idea of being on my death bed, having denied God because I got doubtful about church money, controversies, contradictions, church history, while denying all the good blessings I had received as a believer. I wish there was more transparency but the lawyers say that transparency is a recipe for nefarious lawsuits.

My grandmother who is nearing the end tells everyone she's going to purgatory (Catholic) - cuz she did some shiz - but it's ok cuz she'll only be there for a little bit, it's only temporary.

Judas was an apostle - so yes, take the good and bad in any/every group. Shadow work for yourself increases empathy to others.

We're all human. Part of the trip. The prodigal kids- I personally find them to be more authentic, more approachable.

Kintsugi.
Wabi-sabi.

[Zeezrom]

Thanks for all the great comments!
Now I find myself trying to fix the things I feel got damaged or broken inside, after years struggling with my own feelings, my faith or lack thereof, my sins and doubts. Honestly, I dread the idea of being on my death bed, having denied God because I got doubtful about church money, controversies, contradictions, church history, while denying all the good blessings I had received as a believer. I wish there was more transparency but the lawyers say that transparency is a recipe for nefarious lawsuits.

Wasn’t going to say anything since everyone is being so nice in this thread but the logical fallacy is so stark in this last comment it rings of the worst FAIR apologetics.

Whether you want to believe in or deny the Abrahamic God before your death bed has nothing to do with the reasoning that follows.

If the God of Abraham exists that the world’s 3 monotheistic religious groups believe in (Christians, Jews, Muslims); then He would not have set up His one and only true church (where all others are false) and only bearer of His authority to be a church full of controversies, contradictions, money laundering, forced child brides, polygamy, lies etc…

You’ve set up the exact false dichotomy that the church constantly hammers down on people: either pay your 10% and submit to everything TSCC asks of you OR you are denying God and damming your soul and perhaps headed to Outer Darkness.

It’s not an either or proposition. That was the whole purpose for NOM: to find a safe grey space in the black and white world painted by the church and reinforced by TBM’s in authority.

If you truly understand all the issues and still choose to follow the LDS approved covenant path then I wish you well and may your shelf be ever supported by the strongest Nephite steel.

I’m not an angry apostate and don’t want to look like a foul mouthed Redditor but that’s my opinion. People are free to worship and believe and do what they want. But when you post you’re reasoning on a forum then I think it’s fair to be critical of the reasoning given.

[Red Ryder]

Geez Zeez!

He didn’t say which God.

And that’s the problem.

We all have our own definition of God.

Fluffy to insert his famous “which God are you referring too?” meme here:

He simply states he found peace again in the LDS context which has improved his relationship with the church enough that he wishes to go back to participation.

Now, I’m with you man! My shelf and the remnants within have fallen, broke, and have been tossed out.

My new found peace can’t be replicated by going back.

So be it.

[Angel]

It's a choice between:

a) The nomad life. Travel explore, adventure, migrate, free, not tied down.

b) homebody - settled down, home-sweet home, group life.

Pros and cons to each. For those who are prone to groupies - flock - any group has its Judas. Most groups it's a heirarchy - pecking order kind of thing. Have to be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove. A comfortable middle ground in the group seems best, no stress of leadership, not walked on either (you don't have to clean the church).

Ducks all of us - unruffled cool and collected above water. Padding like mad underneath. Everyone is kicking away the sharks. No perfect group or life. Seasons of both - time as a nomad, time settled at home.

yin yang.

[wtfluff]

...
Fluffy to insert his famous “which God are you referring too?” meme here:
....

Zeus willing, with teeth gritted, I shall continue to resist commenting or meme-ing on this thread.

[moksha]

Kintsugi.
Wabi-sabi.

I want somebody to kintsugi me.

[nibbler]

Honestly, I dread the idea of being on my death bed, having denied God because I got doubtful about church money, controversies, contradictions, church history, while denying all the good blessings I had received as a believer.

Maybe denying god is closer to not getting upset by financial misdeeds, controversies, contradictions, and false narratives than it is finding a way to rationalize those things away.

[Hagoth]

I guess my only question would be, have you tried Unitarianism? Great people there too.

[Just This Guy]

Honestly, I dread the idea of being on my death bed, having denied God because I got doubtful about church money, controversies, contradictions, church history, while denying all the good blessings I had received as a believer.

I don't know who originally said this, but I find it truthful.

There are three possibilities when it comes to God.
1. God is loving and forgiving. This God would still want the best for you even if you didn't fully believe and judge you based on how well you live your convictions.
2. God is spiteful and not forgiving. This God will condemn a person if they do not fulfill every last demand and is not worthy of our worship.
3. God does not exist. Then it only matters how you are to your fellow man.

If someone can give the the original quote, I would be grateful.

So BlackMormon, if you are concerned that god will condemn you for not following a church that has so many problems that go directly against what a God says they are all about, what does that say about your God? Does that God live up to what they says they are in the scripture?

[alas]

Honestly, I dread the idea of being on my death bed, having denied God because I got doubtful about church money, controversies, contradictions, church history, while denying all the good blessings I had received as a believer.

I don't know who originally said this, but I find it truthful.

There are three possibilities when it comes to God.
1. God is loving and forgiving. This God would still want the best for you even if you didn't fully believe and judge you based on how well you live your convictions.
2. God is spiteful and not forgiving. This God will condemn a person if they do not fulfill every last demand and is not worthy of our worship.
3. God does not exist. Then it only matters how you are to your fellow man.

If someone can give the the original quote, I would be grateful.

So BlackMormon, if you are concerned that god will condemn you for not following a church that has so many problems that go directly against what a God says they are all about, what does that say about your God? Does that God live up to what they says they are in the scripture?

While I totally agree with this and just cannot worship God#2, I do totally understand wanting to go back to Mormonism. The people are good people, and it is familiar in all its faults, and if one wants a community to worship in, then it is good enough. I stayed active as a serious doubter for years. I could not accept Joseph Smith as anything except a conman, didn’t like the Pharisees who led the church, but wanted a community where I could worship my concept of God and ignore the jerks. And my husband pretty much would not allow a different church if I had decided to find a community I liked better. So why not stay with the problems I know stead of jumping from the frying pan into the fire by discovering the problems in other denominations.

Probably, if I was male instead of female I would have stayed active. First of all, I wouldn’t have been a sexual abuse survivor if I had been a boy in my family, and also a lot of the emotional abuse I got from family of origin was because girls were worth less. But staying active, I really got tired of fighting to be a second class nobody, while fighting all the “not good enough” messages that Mormonism passes out, while fighting to get over an abusive childhood that taught me some of the same crap Mormonism piled on.

I still miss having a community to worship with, but for me there isn’t an available option that is better than toxic, sexist Mormonism. So, I do understand wanting to go back if the biggest problem with Mormonism is that it is just a human led organization started by a conman.

[Emower]

I think Just This Guy's response is a very valid one. When I was exiting I spent many hours on my knees trying to get an answer. I eventually came to the conclusion that if I took life seriously God would not fault me for following my truth. At least the kind of God most would want to believe in would not fault me. That is what finally gave me permission to leave fully in my mind. With that being said, the biggest lesson I learned talking to others about the reasons they left or stayed was that no one person is involved in Mormonism for the same reason. Everyone has a different understanding of what the church is and what is/isn't important. There are also very valid reasons for wanting a return. I know this board feels like we dont beleive it, but the church does make some people better. And as we all know, there is a vast difference between church and The Church, and even between units. So Black Mormon I would say good on you for following what you want and recognizing what you need.