Update abt TBM in laws in my ward

[whatififly]

I posted awhile ago about having my ultra-TBM in-laws living in my ward. DH and I still haven't verbally outed ourselves to them but we also haven't attended church in months now. MIL has noticed and is getting angry. She verbally attacked me at a family dinner and told me that I needed to be doing better for her grandkids. I said nothing and left. That's the biggest confrontation we've had. DH later told her that if she wants to talk then we will but that we don't want another outburst like that. So far she hasn't taken him up on it and doesn't know why we don't go anymore.

FIL said something to us recently about how we need to be improving our church attendance because we need the blessing of it in our lives. DH skirted the comment and I decided to be bold. I said that I wished a more accurate version of church history was taught at church and gave the example of the several versions of the first vision. He hadn't heard of it and was convinced it was anti-Mormon. I brought it up on LDS.org. He hasn't broached the subject since.

I've gotten some coldness from family but so far things are going better then I expected. I originally wanted to out ourselves via a letter, but DH is uncomfortable with that so this is our compromise. I don't say anything about church around them and smile and nod when they talk about it (it seems 50-60% of their conversations revolve around Mormonism...) and then come on here when necessary to vent. It has helped a lot! Thanks you guys!

[Corsair]

I'm reading your ongoing drama with some trepidation because it sounds exactly like my family if my wife were to have a faith crisis. My MIL would unleash the powers of passive aggression largely like your MIL has done. Good luck finding a happy equilibrium with your in-laws.

[Zack Tacorin Dos]

WhatIfIFly,

Your in-laws are seriously acting like immature brats. I read stories of devout Mormons acting like this all the time--having absolutely no clue when it comes to someone's lack of belief and healthy social boundaries.

Reading these stories I get the impression that this is the norm for devout Mormons, but my Mormons have behaved much better with me (devout wife excluded, 'cause my disbelief hit her so hard, and yeah, our relationship is much different than my relationship with all my other Mormons). So what's the deal? Do you think bad boundary behavior is the norm for devout Mormons, or is it just that the NOM, PostMo, ExMo communities tend to write about the bad behavior because that's what they need to vent about and get support for?

At any rate, I'm sorry you're dealing with in-laws acting like little children. Makes you wonder why they think that kind of behavior is going to help in any way. Does their Christ model this kind of behavior? If so, not a god I would find worthy of worship.

My best,
Zack

[Red Ryder]

Whatififly,

I think your strategy is working. With your MIL consider using a "problem" or two that you nor her can resolve. Then whenever she brings up church in conversation and climbs up on her high horse, all you ever have to do is pull out your problem card. You can preface your problem with the essays as your source and point back to LDS.org (as you did with your FIL).

Here's two examples:

Joseph married a mother and her daughter – Patty Bartlett Sessions and Sylvia Sessions Lyon.
Your confused because God said in Leviticus 20:14, “If a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burned with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you.” (Also see Lev. 18:17.)

Ask your MIL to help you reconcile this.

Joseph married several sets of sisters (Huntingtons, Partridges, Johnsons, Lawrences). Your confused because God said in Leviticus 18:18: “Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister… to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her lifetime” Leviticus 18:18.

Ask your MIL to help you reconcile this. If she starts to parrot the excuse that these women must have been widows or “old maids” and their prophet was doing a favor to them by marrying them point out the idea that Joseph Smith somehow rescued his plural wives from being single is just not accurate. The fact of the matter is that Smith met the majority of his wives when they were just preteens or teenagers. In fact, about a quarter of Smith’s eventual wives (nine of them) were 12 or younger when Smith met them, even as young as 5 (Sarah Ann Whitney) or 6 (Nancy Winchester). Over the years, Smith nurtured these relationships until he married them.

Finally, loop all of these issues back to the church essays as the source of your "problems". Ask them to help you reconcile with belief.

This strategy works really well with the temple too. If asked why you don't go, explain that you keep getting weird vibes whenever you do endowments and that you find the whole thing weird and disturbing. The solution offered to you will be to GO MORE! Then you can tell everyone you prayed about it and felt that God answered your prayers by telling you he was fine with your limited participation.

Mormons can't solve problems when the church is the problem. It just creates an infinite loop of Sunday school answers. After time they will just stop starting the loop thus leaving you alone!

[Reuben]

Reading these stories I get the impression that this is the norm for devout Mormons, but my Mormons have behaved much better with me (devout wife excluded, 'cause my disbelief hit her so hard, and yeah, our relationship is much different than my relationship with all my other Mormons). So what's the deal? Do you think bad boundary behavior is the norm for devout Mormons, or is it just that the NOM, PostMo, ExMo communities tend to write about the bad behavior because that's what they need to vent about and get support for?

Overall, I'd say bad responses are the minority, and support groups select for them.

I think most believing Mormons just don't (or can't) know what to do. If your unbelief doesn't make them afraid, they tend to either avoid you, avoid the subject, or fall back on short scripts that only work on believers and the "elect." The closer the relationship, though, the more fear, and the more likely you'll get a desperate response. But the closeness of those relationships often provides ways to mitigate that fear.

In-laws are tricky. They're close enough to be afraid, but not close enough for you to do much to assuage it. My wife handled her parents for me.

[deacon blues]

WhatIfIFly,

Your in-laws are seriously acting like immature brats. I read stories of devout Mormons acting like this all the time--having absolutely no clue when it comes to someone's lack of belief and healthy social boundaries.

Reading these stories I get the impression that this is the norm for devout Mormons, but my Mormons have behaved much better with me (devout wife excluded, 'cause my disbelief hit her so hard, and yeah, our relationship is much different than my relationship with all my other Mormons). So what's the deal? Do you think bad boundary behavior is the norm for devout Mormons, or is it just that the NOM, PostMo, ExMo communities tend to write about the bad behavior because that's what they need to vent about and get support for?

At any rate, I'm sorry you're dealing with in-laws acting like little children. Makes you wonder why they think that kind of behavior is going to help in any way. Does their Christ model this kind of behavior? If so, not a god I would find worthy of worship.

My best,
Zack

My wife and family treated me quite well when I came out. The minor exceptions included a daughter who got a little upset at first, but got over it quickly, and is as loving as ever, and a sister who, when I came out to her said something like, OK, but I never want to talk about it again. A couple of years later, after 2 of her kids became NOM's we had one discussion about them, which was a bit ironic. Members of the ward have been OK. There are occasional people pestering about attendance, but overall cool TBM's seem to stay cool; uncool TBM's get a little uncool. My NOM daughter gets a little pressure from her TBM in-laws.

[slk]

So sorry you have to deal with in-laws in your ward. I used the same comment with my dad about the seven differing first vision accounts. And don't forget that JS didn't tell anyone about this for 10 years. Subtle tidbits of info like this gives people enough to chew on and later on might give them curiosity to look it up. Sounds like you're letting the in-laws know that you stand for truth and you're not going to be involved in weekly 3 hr sessions that perpetuate lies but unfortunately TBMs don't see it this way.