Exwife requesting our sealing cancellation...the First Presidency asked for my input

[Deepthinker]

Brief context: I've been divorced 18 months and my exwife remarried (civil wedding) last month. I received a letter from my Bishop last week saying that she is requesting a cancellation of our temple sealing because she wants to be sealed to her new husband. The Bishop in the letter says the First Presidency has asked me to send them a letter. Here's what they asked to be addressed in the letter:

Your feelings about this application and whether you approve or disapprove of this action and why.
Whether your former wife is current in all financial obligations related to the divorce, including child support and alimony. If
there was any period since the divorce when she did not fulfill court-ordered financial obligations, indicate the amount that
accumulated during that period and is still unpaid.

I've been feeling upset by this...not even wanting to send anything. I don't really care who she is sealed to and I shouldn't be involved in this. I don't like that they think they have some power over me and I've seriously been considering removing my name from the records. Then my exwife wouldn't even need to request the cancellation, it would save her the trouble and show they don't have power over the situation. I don't want to upset my parents and my daughter that are all still very believing members, though. I feel for my exwife actually, that she knows the church has given me some level of say about whether she gets sealed to someone else, whereas if she were a man she wouldn't have to go through this process.

What I feel like doing is just sending the Bishop an email that my feelings on her requesting a cancellation are that it doesn't matter to me and it shouldn't matter to them. I also don't understand why they need me to provide verification that she's fulfilled her obligations from the divorce decree. Do they believe she might be lying in her temple recommend interviews? Has anyone else dealt with this or have thoughts about it?

[Linked]

This is tough Deepthinker, it sounds like one of those things that your mind tells you not to be bothered by, but it's still deeply upsetting. It's tied to so many huge feelings that it would be impossible not to have it bother you. But there is little opportunity for you to accomplish anything here.

If I were advising myself I would say to just take care of it ASAP to put it behind me. Do exactly as you suggest in your last paragraph and move on, letting time separate you from this unwanted intrusion.

[Deepthinker]

This is tough Deepthinker, it sounds like one of those things that your mind tells you not to be bothered by, but it's still deeply upsetting. It's tied to so many huge feelings that it would be impossible not to have it bother you. But there is little opportunity for you to accomplish anything here.

If I were advising myself I would say to just take care of it ASAP to put it behind me. Do exactly as you suggest in your last paragraph and move on, letting time separate you from this unwanted intrusion.

Thanks Linked! I've been somewhat upset with myself because of my reaction. I get maybe 2 or 3 text messages over one year about the Bishop wanting to come meet with me and I just say I'm not available. That's something I've been able to manage fine and it hasn't mattered that I'm still a member.

Sending a short email to the Bishop, I feel better about doing, instead of a full signed letter.

[Red Ryder]

Hey stranger! Long time no see.

First… congrats on the divorce. Hope it all went well considering it’s a major life change.

Second…. Ignore the letter. Their treehouse, their rules!

From my experience as a ward clerk, I’ve seen a few cases where the other spouse was honest and positive and gave a great recommendation that all was well in the divorce. First Presidency denied the cancellation.

I’ve seen where the other spouse was against and gave a “bad review” and the FP denied. Also same example but FP approved. In each case, it seemed the FP office kept coming back for more info. The bishop and SP were baffled. No rule or reason just the decision of the FP.

I’d suggest you ignore it. Or at a minimum response with “all is well. She deserves a husband in the next life!”

Then forget about it!

So, how about an update? You’re divorced. Dating anyone? Still living in the same place?

Remember Kishkuman? His divorce is still causing some problems with custody issues etc. if you need someone to chat with reach out. I can pass along his number. Or mine. I’d love to catch up.

[Deepthinker]

Hey stranger! Long time no see.

First… congrats on the divorce. Hope it all went well considering it’s a major life change.

Second…. Ignore the letter. Their treehouse, their rules!

From my experience as a ward clerk, I’ve seen a few cases where the other spouse was honest and positive and gave a great recommendation that all was well in the divorce. First Presidency denied the cancellation.

I’ve seen where the other spouse was against and gave a “bad review” and the FP denied. Also same example but FP approved. In each case, it seemed the FP office kept coming back for more info. The bishop and SP were baffled. No rule or reason just the decision of the FP.

I’d suggest you ignore it. Or at a minimum response with “all is well. She deserves a husband in the next life!”

Then forget about it!

So, how about an update? You’re divorced. Dating anyone? Still living in the same place?

Remember Kishkuman? His divorce is still causing some problems with custody issues etc. if you need someone to chat with reach out. I can pass along his number. Or mine. I’d love to catch up.

Hey RR! Yes, it's been too long!

Thanks! It went as well as could be expected. I'm really happy that she's with someone else now and I've been doing plenty of healing for myself.

I'm doing amateur photography, hiking often, and even started a podcast! I also started dating someone last year, and it's going really well! The only hurdle is that she's in California and I'm in Utah, but we see each other for one week each month, trading off who travels. Yes, I'm still in southern Utah, at least until my 16 year old son graduates high school. My relationship with him and all my kids has only strengthened! I will become a grandpa next year! And I get to officiate my son's wedding in January! Things have been busy!

I really want to just ignore the letter. They don't really need it. I was ward clerk and executive secretary, so I saw the same thing sometimes. It comes down to how they're feeling that day, I guess. I like your response to the letter!

Yes, of course I remember him! I think I still have his number, but I don't have yours. Feel free to DM me your number and I'd love to call and catch up with you (actually, I'll DM you mine). I know he was going through it pretty rough when I last called Kish...I feel for him. I have a friend from high school that's going through a really long divorce battle too. The only thing they've settled and have complete is that they're no longer legally married, and he filed for divorce over a year ago. I have azflyer's number as well and we're friends on Facebook.

[Cnsl1]

Interesting situation and I have known others in similar spots.

Based on my understanding, it's the doctrinal stance that kids sealed to you and your ex, once that sealing is canceled, are no longer sealed to anyone, but could be resealed to your ex and her new husband. That could be an issue for your kids.

Again, I might have this wrong, but if the situation were reversed and it was you seeking a sealing cancelation, the kids would still be sealed to you, which makes little sense but is consistent with the patriarchal nature of this church. Men can be sealed to multiple women, of course, but only if just one is them is alive at that particular time.

I'm also of the opinion that nobody in the church really really knows how to do these things because it's just been policy that could change, depending on who you ask or how they interpret the "never changing" doctrine.

If it were me, I'd do nothing or I'd defer to whatever my kids preferred. She's already married to the guy. They could not get sealed and blissfully proceed along with their lives believing that "it will all be worked out later". You could text the guy her new name, lol. Make it an accident.. "I wish you and Mary the best!! Oops, that's her new name"

[Cnsl1]

When I was in the bpric several years ago, e had a situation where a couple had gone through a messy divorce and the guy had later remarried. He had been inactive, but then they activated and his new wife was baptized. He tried very hard to get his sealing canceled with his ex, but she insisted he owed her money. He insisted he didn't and the civil courts agreed with him. She really had no recourse except through the church. It was the opinion of the bishop that the guy had fulfilled all of his obligations, was up to date and consistent with alimony payments, and that the ex wife was just pissed at him and didn't want to let him get sealed to the gal he'd cheated on her with. It was a conundrum. They were never allowed to get sealed. It ended with the guy and his new wife finally getting fed up with trying and they went inactive but as far as I know they're still very happy together. Probably happier than they'd been when trying to get sealed.

[Gatorbait]

First of all, sorry that you have to go through this. Those who have gone through this sort of thing know that it is difficult to be objective and rational in your thinking.

Someone else's advise not to write a letter is the best response, but if you must write, for closer, it doesn't do any good to be negative because they don't care what you think in any case. If your former wife thinks she's going to live happily ever after with someone, fine. The stats say that the marriage won't last, so the temple sealing will be voided again....and again. You need to take care of you.

I'm not keen on having your name removed from church records. Can't see anything gained by doing that. What difference does it make anyway? Give it time, and you will just not care like you do now. You probably have friends and family in the church and there's no point giving the church the heave-ho that way, just fade out. Your kids will not benefit from this.

Things will work out, but it takes time, the great healer. Things seem awful now, and they are, but the hurt will go away and you will be whole again.